I'm not down with my wife's WFH workout buddy.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife has been working from home since the pandemic and now that the kids have all left for college, she has a lot of time alone at home. She used to go on daily walks with a female neighbor who moved out about six months ago. The new tenant is a recently divorced man who also works from home. The two of them have started a daily walk together, which I didn’t have an issue with, but now she’s started to bring him a plate for dinner once or twice a week and stay while he eats it. What brought matters to a head happened the other day, when she brought home a bag of new workout clothes so she’d have something new to wear on their walks. When I mentioned I wasn’t comfortable with her going over to his house anymore because I thought it gave the wrong signs to him, she got angry and told me I didn’t understand because I wasn’t home all day as they were. I’ve seen nothing specific that they are having an affair, but it’s making me wonder. He’s a nice guy, he’ll wave when he sees me, but is not someone I have a lot in common with nor really want to hang out with. Should I say something more to her? Am I wrong to be concerned?

—More Than Friends

banana468

I think you can express that it isn't a lack of trust but that your feelings are that your wife is putting a lot of new energy towards the dude and while you appreciate the new relationship you miss her.

You also need to show her how you appreciate her too.  She's likely getting something exciting out of this because it's a new arrangement and that can be OK but you're crossing into a lack of trust territory.  So you need to talk about your insecurities rather than put your foot down. 

CharmedPam

Ask to be invited when she brings him dinner. Maybe you will have a lot in common and maybe you can all be friends? 

short+sassy

CharmedPam said:

Ask to be invited when she brings him dinner. Maybe you will have a lot in common and maybe you can all be friends? 

This is what is driving me nuts about the letter!  It's the obvious answer, so why hasn't it happened.  It is weird the wife brings over a plate of food 1-2x/week and hangs out with the him while he eats it.  I don't necessarily think anything nefarious is going on.  But if they are friends and she thinks he is lonely, then why not invite him over for dinner.

The guy is their neighbor.  He's good friends with the LW's wife.  Yet it sounds like the three of them have never hung out together.  Why not?  Why, why, why?

STARMOON44

Yoh do have evidence of an affair. It’s your wife having dinner alone in a man’s house twice a week and pretending that’s totes normal when it very obviously isn’t. Idk if its physical, but it’s def emotional. 

charlotte989875

The dinner alone thing is definitely weird. I think you should be able to ask about it and get a real answer. 

MissKittyDanger

STARMOON44 said:

Yoh do have evidence of an affair. It’s your wife having dinner alone in a man’s house twice a week and pretending that’s totes normal when it very obviously isn’t. Idk if its physical, but it’s def emotional. 

It may not be intended on the wife's part though.

I've known people who had an emotional affair but didn't realize it. Thought they were just being nice.

MyNameIsNot

The plate of food thing is just weird to me. I could certainly see taking a plate to my elderly neighbor or a sick friend, but not like this. It has such a 1950s vibe. Why not invite the dude over for dinner? 

levioosa

This is weird. 

mrsconn23

I find the oddest part of this taking the food to him and staying while he eats. On top of the daily walks. 

The new workout clothes are not the red flags LW thinks they are.  I had an athleisure addiction when I WFH full-time.  It's the WFH uniform.  LOL

But seriously, LW needs to be vulnerable with their wife vs. 'telling' her how to conduct the relationship with this guy.  I give it the hairy eyeball for sure, but there's not enough information IMO. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I find the oddest part of this taking the food to him and staying while he eats. On top of the daily walks. 

The new workout clothes are not the red flags LW thinks they are.  I had an athleisure addiction when I WFH full-time.  It's the WFH uniform.  LOL

But seriously, LW needs to be vulnerable with their wife vs. 'telling' her how to conduct the relationship with this guy.  I give it the hairy eyeball for sure, but there's not enough information IMO. 

This is also where I am.

Dude needs to be honest vs. act like he can control her.

This looks like it's at least an emotional affair and frankly I think it's not a great way for her to spend meal times if she's going there at least 2 x / week but if this is his attitude maybe it's why the wife is going there in the first place.  It doesn't make any improprieties acceptable but it can explain why she may feel less than fulfilled at home. 

CharmedPam

Yeah the workout clothes may be “I’ve walked so much, and lost some weight and DAMN I look good, I need to buy new clothes now”. And quite frankly I live in workout gear. They make yoga pants the most comfortable pants on the planet.

i’m reading this and going how oblivious is she to her H for him not to like this?  Like, I’d never put my SO in this spot because I got respect for whom I’m dating. 

MNNEBride

And why can't she invite the neighbor to share a meal in her home with her husband.  Something is off about that.  New workout clothes - no problem there.

MesmrEwe

He can come over for dinner, but not her go over there for dinner...  

downtondiva

The new workout clothes are not a big deal. The daily walks are perhaps a little unusual, but I get that they are both working from home full time and may just see it as a good opportunity to feel less isolated during the day. But the dinners are what's really raising an eyebrow for me. If she's concerned that he's lonely or not getting a decent meal very often, why not invite him over instead of going to his place? 

None of this is to say that men and women can't be friends, even if one or both is in a relationship. What I find concerning is that wife's friendship with this man very much seems to be to the exclusion of LW. And that's why I think LW has a right to be concerned that there's at least an emotional affair going on.

short+sassy

downtondiva said:

The new workout clothes are not a big deal. The daily walks are perhaps a little unusual, but I get that they are both working from home full time and may just see it as a good opportunity to feel less isolated during the day. But the dinners are what's really raising an eyebrow for me. If she's concerned that he's lonely or not getting a decent meal very often, why not invite him over instead of going to his place? 

None of this is to say that men and women can't be friends, even if one or both is in a relationship. What I find concerning is that wife's friendship with this man very much seems to be to the exclusion of LW. And that's why I think LW has a right to be concerned that there's at least an emotional affair going on.

I'm with you on this.  She already went on daily walks and it's great that's something the new neighbor likes also.  We all like to have some freshened up clothes sometimes, especially since that's her "work" uniform, lol.

However, bringing dinner over on a regular basis, as opposed to inviting the neighbor over for a meal, is strange.

But there could also be reasonable explanations for it.  Maybe the LW is always invited to walk over with her but doesn't want to go.  Maybe the wife has been trying to invite the neighbor over for dinner or a BBQ, but the LW is a curmudgeon who doesn't like hosting people at his house.

That's also what I find weird about this letter.  You'd think if the LW was being purposefully excluded, he would have mentioned that also.  But he didn't.  It's a big missing piece in the story.

VarunaTT

I think, from reading the letter, that LW is excluding himself.  LW says that he has nothing in common and doesn't want to hang out with the man.

IDK, I feel like LW is an unreliable narrator here.  From LW's description, yeah the dinners sound odd, but I'm not sure I believe his POV.  It's a lot about what he does/doesn't like about his wife's behavior and rather glosses over the link between new workout clothes to wear (which has myriad of reasons for happening that don't have anything to do with affair) into "I think you're giving him the wrong signs".  This smells of needing validation for assumptions and giving a skewed view to get it.

short+sassy

VarunaTT said:

I think, from reading the letter, that LW is excluding himself.  LW says that he has nothing in common and doesn't want to hang out with the man.

IDK, I feel like LW is an unreliable narrator here.  From LW's description, yeah the dinners sound odd, but I'm not sure I believe his POV.  It's a lot about what he does/doesn't like about his wife's behavior and rather glosses over the link between new workout clothes to wear (which has myriad of reasons for happening that don't have anything to do with affair) into "I think you're giving him the wrong signs".  This smells of needing validation for assumptions and giving a skewed view to get it.

SIB:
I glossed over this the first time, lol.  That does change things for me.  The situation is more like, she's hanging out with her friend.  The LW could come if he wanted to but doesn't because he doesn't enjoy his company.  Which is kinda crappy in itself, because that is their neighbor and his friend's wife.

SO's friends should be give and take in a relationship.  Maybe they aren't your friend but, unless you strongly dislike them, you hang out on occasion because it's your SO's friend.

I totally have the same thing going on in my own world, just without the jealousy.  One of my closest friends is my neighbor.  But she and my H don't like each other.  It's never been open animosity, they are polite to each other.  My H will make appearances when she invites us over to her house, especially if it is for a special occasion.  He only stays for 1-2 hours and then goes back home, while I stay much longer, which he doesn't mind at all.