Too much for hotel room and other expectations?

knottie9723

Invited to a DW.  Bride is close relative. They have chosen a venue that includes hotel rooms and they have contracted to pay a few thousand for the hotel building.  The bride and groom to be are now asking guests to stay there and make payment to them for a room.  They are charging per person for the rooms?  Never heard of that.  We will bring our child and they expect us to pay them $375 for one night.  There are some hotel about 30 miles away that we can get for about $130 per night.  In order to be considerate of their budget planning, I informed them we would likely be able to attend, but will stay at one of the less expensive hotels due to financial strain.  Since we have to fly in long distance, we will stay overnight a few extra days.  TBH, this is a vacation we don’t really want to take and total hotel bill for 3-4 nights at inexpensive hotel will be around $600.  

This is second wedding for the bride and we gave generous gift for the first wedding.  Now we are expected to do it all over again, except pay for travel, hotel, and restaurants for the DW.  She decided to book the wedding for a Thursday, so we will have to use lots of PTO.  There is ski resort close by, but we can’t do that because the wedding is in September before they will have snow fall.  Our family has gone through a job loss that involved a 20k reduction in salary and serious health issue that cost 26K out of pocket. And now, this part of the family thinks it is OK to pay $400 for an ordinary hotel room in addition to the other travel expenses.
As I said, bride is close family and I really wanted to be there for the bride, but this is really making me angry with the lack of consideration.  TBH, I wonder how many will attend from her hometown because of these details, so I wanted to be there for that reason.  Now, I am reconsidering.  I was told, in other words, that the $375 is no big deal because it is only for one night.  If it is no big deal, they could cut us a break on the room rate.  I really think this is just a way to help them pay for the wedding as I expect they may be in over their heads on the financials of the wedding.
Of note is that nothing we do will be good enough for them if we don’t stay at their hotel. My husband almost died of his health condition and I am just exasperated by this situation.  We have had a tough year and I really don’t need this branch of the family to put exacting expectations on us.
Any advice would be appreciated.

maine7mob

To give the bride the benefit of the doubt it, it may be that their hotel required them to pay up front to reserve a block of rooms, and now the couple has to ask their guests to pay them back if they stay at the hotel. I personally hate this practice and would absolutely not reserve a block at any hotel like this. But it's also possible the bride and groom are overcharging and hoping to make money off of the deal. 

In either case, I would decline. It's a shame they fell for this, but it's not your fault.

MyNameIsNot

This would be an easy decline for me. Couples who plan a DW, especially expensive or inconvenient ones, understand (or should understand) that it often means people won't make it. I would just decline and not give it another thought. 

On top of that, it sounds like this couple is either trying to upcharge and make money off of you or use hotel expenses to pay for the rest of the wedding. Hell no. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

This would be an easy decline for me. Couples who plan a DW, especially expensive or inconvenient ones, understand (or should understand) that it often means people won't make it. I would just decline and not give it another thought. 

On top of that, it sounds like this couple is either trying to upcharge and make money off of you or use hotel expenses to pay for the rest of the wedding. Hell no. 

Agreed.  It would be a hard pass for me.  If they'll be upset that you're not staying at their hotel of choice and the cheaper one is still outside your budget then just have one argument that doesn't need to be in person and don't go. 

MobKaz

knottie9723ada7df3336d4 said:

Invited to a DW.  Bride is close relative. They have chosen a venue that includes hotel rooms and they have contracted to pay a few thousand for the hotel building.  The bride and groom to be are now asking guests to stay there and make payment to them for a room.  They are charging per person for the rooms?  Never heard of that.  We will bring our child and they expect us to pay them $375 for one night.  There are some hotel about 30 miles away that we can get for about $130 per night.  In order to be considerate of their budget planning, I informed them we would likely be able to attend, but will stay at one of the less expensive hotels due to financial strain.  Since we have to fly in long distance, we will stay overnight a few extra days.  TBH, this is a vacation we don’t really want to take and total hotel bill for 3-4 nights at inexpensive hotel will be around $600.  

This is second wedding for the bride and we gave generous gift for the first wedding.  Now we are expected to do it all over again, except pay for travel, hotel, and restaurants for the DW.  She decided to book the wedding for a Thursday, so we will have to use lots of PTO.  There is ski resort close by, but we can’t do that because the wedding is in September before they will have snow fall.  Our family has gone through a job loss that involved a 20k reduction in salary and serious health issue that cost 26K out of pocket. And now, this part of the family thinks it is OK to pay $400 for an ordinary hotel room in addition to the other travel expenses.
As I said, bride is close family and I really wanted to be there for the bride, but this is really making me angry with the lack of consideration.  TBH, I wonder how many will attend from her hometown because of these details, so I wanted to be there for that reason.  Now, I am reconsidering.  I was told, in other words, that the $375 is no big deal because it is only for one night.  If it is no big deal, they could cut us a break on the room rate.  I really think this is just a way to help them pay for the wedding as I expect they may be in over their heads on the financials of the wedding.
Of note is that nothing we do will be good enough for them if we don’t stay at their hotel. My husband almost died of his health condition and I am just exasperated by this situation.  We have had a tough year and I really don’t need this branch of the family to put exacting expectations on us.
Any advice would be appreciated.

There is no reason an invited guest should or needs to be considerate of a couples wedding budget.  The couple hosts the wedding THEY can afford and invites guests accordingly. 

If I were to attend, I would do so based on what I could afford and be comfortable spending. 

If you think you will experience unpleasantness or a poor attitude from the couple if you attend on YOUR terms, I would encourage you to decline the invitation.

Jen4948

I would decline simply based on my own inability to afford the hotel. If I could afford to go, I would consider it. But if I can't, there's nothing for me to consider. Hard pass.

climbingsingle

I'd absolutely skip this wedding. 

charlotte989875

If you do want to attend stay at the cheaper hotel that you feel comfortable spending on. Don’t stay somewhere else, more expensive just because they asked you to. I’d also just book your room and make your arrangements without telling anyone- they don’t need that information. Just RSVP as your otherwise would. 

That said - I’d probably also consider not going. A weekday DW in a resort that’s not in season, taking my kid out of school and taking PTO just seems like such a big ask. I’d likely decline and send a gift. But if this is someone who is close I’d stay where I want. 

knottie9723

I agree.  It's too bad they made these arrangements.  I think she will not have many attend on her side because of scheduling a DW on a week day.  I wish her the best and hope it works out for her.