AITA? The ‘shut up’ necklace

knottie93ddc96823870e8d

My BF and I have been dating for two years, talking about marriage for a year, lived together for just shy of a year. We’ve known each other for a decade. We are both older, I am 34 and he is 37, and we definitely want to have kids. I’m feeling the biological time crunch as far as having children, I know that it could take quite a while (years) to get pregnant but he doesn’t feel the crunch at all. I’d be content with a long engagement, but I don’t want to start having kids until we are at least engaged but preferably married. We’ve talked about that together. 

We talk about kids and marriage from time to time, he always just says ‘not tonight’. I have been trying really hard not to pressure him and careful not to bring it up, but it’s beginning to build resentment so I thought I should have a conversation with him about it to alleviate that resentment. 

I asked what he needed in order to feel ready. He just says ‘I don’t know’. I said, well then what are you waiting for? ‘I don’t know’. Ok, I’m not going to be the forever live-in girlfriend and I feel like my time is running out to have children. 

I feel like, at our age, he should know by now whether he wants to marry me or not. 

I want a family, and I’m scared that he is going to string me along and never take us to the next step and then I will be out of time to restart this whole dang process with someone else. I do NOT want to do that, I love and adore this man with my whole heart, but I’m kind of feeling like ‘shi* or get off the pot’. Ya know? Value me or move on. 

I cried. Then he goes into the other room and comes back with a small jewelry box… I froze and just stared at it like ‘omg please do NOT do it like this!!’. He caught on to that and quickly said ‘it’s not what you think’ and opened it to reveal a ‘My Future Wife’ necklace. He said he got it almost a year ago and was waiting for the right time to give it to me. I feel like this was the absolute worst time to give it to me. I can think of a million opportunities he would have had to romantically give it to me over the last year. We’ve gone on vacations, nice dinners, hunting on mountain tops, a plethora of instances where it would have been a time that I remembered fondly. It would have been such an exciting gift to give me when he first got it. Instead, giving it to me in the living on a random week night with mascara running down my face after trying to express how I’m feeling… It feels like a ‘shut up’ gift so I quit bringing the subject up. And why did he wait so long to give it to me? Is he unsure about even marrying me? He says he is sure, that he does want to. I’ve told him if he’s not then please just tell me.
Am I the a**hole? Am I being impatient? I’m just sad 😭😭😭

charlotte989875

knottie93ddc96823870e8d said:

My BF and I have been dating for two years, talking about marriage for a year, lived together for just shy of a year. We’ve known each other for a decade. We are both older, I am 34 and he is 37, and we definitely want to have kids. I’m feeling the biological time crunch as far as having children, I know that it could take quite a while (years) to get pregnant but he doesn’t feel the crunch at all. I’d be content with a long engagement, but I don’t want to start having kids until we are at least engaged but preferably married. We’ve talked about that together. 

We talk about kids and marriage from time to time, he always just says ‘not tonight’. I have been trying really hard not to pressure him and careful not to bring it up, but it’s beginning to build resentment so I thought I should have a conversation with him about it to alleviate that resentment. 

I asked what he needed in order to feel ready. He just says ‘I don’t know’. I said, well then what are you waiting for? ‘I don’t know’. Ok, I’m not going to be the forever live-in girlfriend and I feel like my time is running out to have children. 

I feel like, at our age, he should know by now whether he wants to marry me or not. 

I want a family, and I’m scared that he is going to string me along and never take us to the next step and then I will be out of time to restart this whole dang process with someone else. I do NOT want to do that, I love and adore this man with my whole heart, but I’m kind of feeling like ‘shi* or get off the pot’. Ya know? Value me or move on. 

I cried. Then he goes into the other room and comes back with a small jewelry box… I froze and just stared at it like ‘omg please do NOT do it like this!!’. He caught on to that and quickly said ‘it’s not what you think’ and opened it to reveal a ‘My Future Wife’ necklace. He said he got it almost a year ago and was waiting for the right time to give it to me. I feel like this was the absolute worst time to give it to me. I can think of a million opportunities he would have had to romantically give it to me over the last year. We’ve gone on vacations, nice dinners, hunting on mountain tops, a plethora of instances where it would have been a time that I remembered fondly. It would have been such an exciting gift to give me when he first got it. Instead, giving it to me in the living on a random week night with mascara running down my face after trying to express how I’m feeling… It feels like a ‘shut up’ gift so I quit bringing the subject up. And why did he wait so long to give it to me? Is he unsure about even marrying me? He says he is sure, that he does want to. I’ve told him if he’s not then please just tell me.
Am I the a**hole? Am I being impatient? I’m just sad 😭😭😭

You’re not an asshole, you’re not impatient and your feeling sad is absolutely valid. 

It also seems like you’re dating someone who isn’t able or willing to communicate fully with you and who may not be on the same page with you about your future. 

You’re not wrong to want to talk about what your future looks like. If you’ve talked about marriage and children; and if his response to your really valid question about what he needs to feel ready for marriage/kids is basically shutting you down (because really “I don’t know” with no follow up or talk about how he will figure that out is shutting things down) then I think you need to decide what your break point is. 

Is it continuing in the space for another 6 months? A year? And if at the end of that his answer is still the same, that he “doesn’t know”- how will you feel about that? I would take some time and figure out what is your boundary here and communicate that to him. Not as an ultimatum l, but as “we need to be able to talk about this stuff because we in relationship together. We need to be able to communicate about the type of future we see for ourselves together and as separate people. If you can’t talk about it now, I need to know when you will and what you’re doing to get yourself ready for that”. 

You don’t have to be on the same timeline as him, but it’s unfair to you for him to not have any input or share with what his timeline is. 

banana468

You're not the AH and I'll be honest that I think the gift is kitchy and terrible unless it went with the ring that immediately followed.  You are in your 30's and a necklace like that makes me cringe back to the days of when I was in HS and people were giving each other "promise" rings. 

That doesn't mean that he has to propose but I would be clear with your words and consider what your steps are.  Are you ready to end it?  Are you ready to end the relationship and move out if he's not ready?  That kind of necklace would only make me more confused unless he was really articulate with what he was wanting. 

I did go through this a few times with my now H but it wasn't for very long and we were engaged after 2.5 years and married a year after that.   When you're not feeling incredibly emotional (which is hard around the holidays anyway) can you be clear about what you're feeling and needing? 

And in the meantime know that people get pregnant all the time.  If you're wanting to be married due to your biology have you thought about talking to your doctor for a review so you can see if there are any concerns before you try?  

climbingsingle

banana468 said:

You're not the AH and I'll be honest that I think the gift is kitchy and terrible unless it went with the ring that immediately followed.  You are in your 30's and a necklace like that makes me cringe back to the days of when I was in HS and people were giving each other "promise" rings. 

That doesn't mean that he has to propose but I would be clear with your words and consider what your steps are.  Are you ready to end it?  Are you ready to end the relationship and move out if he's not ready?  That kind of necklace would only make me more confused unless he was really articulate with what he was wanting. 

I did go through this a few times with my now H but it wasn't for very long and we were engaged after 2.5 years and married a year after that.   When you're not feeling incredibly emotional (which is hard around the holidays anyway) can you be clear about what you're feeling and needing? 

And in the meantime know that people get pregnant all the time.  If you're wanting to be married due to your biology have you thought about talking to your doctor for a review so you can see if there are any concerns before you try?  

Ditto this. I don't think you're the asshole at all. I can totally see how and why you feel that the necklace is a "shut up" gift, and I'd probably feel the same. It's pretty shitty IMO to do that then, and the fact that he's had it for so long. And pretty ridiculous to give a partner any kind of "promise" jewelry when you're in your 30s and have been together a considerable amount of time. 

I also see it as a red flag that you're getting a lot of "I don't know"s when you're trying to discuss your future and see if you're on the same timeline. 

I dated and lived with a guy from the time I was 27 to 32. During our 5 years together, I'd asked many, many times about our future. I got a lot of the same answer "I don't know" "I'm not ready yet", "I'll do it when the time is right" etc. He actually proposed to me with a ring while I was breaking up with him. But it was too little too late at that point. 

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him - not to give him an ultimatum. But to express about what you want, and what he sees as your future/timeline.