Wedding Woes

Give him the +2 and stop concerning yourself with optics.

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend and I are getting married in April, and all of our guests not in relationships are getting a plus-one. We’re not concerned about someone inviting a plus-one who may not end up in our lives long-term. As long as they’re significant enough for the person to want to bring them to our wedding now (or if bringing someone makes them more likely to come), we’re all for it.

However, we did not anticipate my cousin, who is getting married to his long-time boyfriend next summer, being in a throuple. My cousin and long-time boyfriend are still getting married, but the third partner has moved in with them and is a significant part of their lives (it’s a true throuple from where we’re sitting). And while we have questions (I think I’m hung up on the logistics, my partner is fascinated by the mental load of three people), we’re trying to be stewards to the whole “In this house, we believe…” sign that we don’t have up in our yard because we don’t have a house with a yard, but are the type of people who would have that sign in their yard if they did have a yard. Anyway, we’d love your advice on what to do about a plus one. Does the third person get an invite? Does my cousin get a plus-two? Do my cousin and partner each get a plus 0.5? Do we care about Aunt Karen?

— Three’s a Crowd

Re: Give him the +2 and stop concerning yourself with optics.

  • Invite the other person.  

    If you're looking to make people more comfortable and honor the mutual relationships of their choosing then this isn't a plus one.  You're addressing the invitation to the 3 people of the home.  

    What other people think isn't a concern. 
    VarunaTT
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Why does it matter if it's a "plus two"? You're making it too complicated. Invite the other partner. Put all 3 names on the invite. 
    banana468VarunaTT
  • Invite all three by name. 
    VarunaTTMesmrEwe
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't think everyone with the "in this house..." sign is performative, but jeez. Invite them all and ignore Aunt Karen. 
    VarunaTT
  • I think LW just wants some support and validation in the decision they want to make, which is inviting all 3.  I get that it can be hard when there might be family or other people who might be pearl-clutchy.  At the same time, I really can't imagine how this might come up in conversation unless they have name tags that announce they're a throuple.  And if it does, have someone to bean-dip the naysayer and move on with your day.
    mrsconn23Casadena
  • The LW, "Oh, we want to be so open, loving, and non-judgmental..."

    While they use a micro-aggression term (Aunt Karen) that's derogatory to women.  Maybe it is one very specific female person they are referring to.  But it seemed to me more like a blanket negative to include guests of both genders.  So, of course, negative=feminine term. 
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  • The only thing wrong with the "Karen" jokes is that is is a joke about an incredibly real and dangerous behavior.  It is not sexist, it is not racist, is is not a micro agression, and the objections against it started in white TERF circles.  There was a moment in time when my name was bandied about as the "new Karen".  I didn't like it, but I dealt, because it doesn't actually do a damn thing to me as a white woman except irritate me.
    mrsconn23charlotte989875Casadena
  • VarunaTT said:
    The only thing wrong with the "Karen" jokes is that is is a joke about an incredibly real and dangerous behavior.  It is not sexist, it is not racist, is is not a micro agression, and the objections against it started in white TERF circles.  There was a moment in time when my name was bandied about as the "new Karen".  I didn't like it, but I dealt, because it doesn't actually do a damn thing to me as a white woman except irritate me.
    To me, it's fine to and people should call out the behavior*.  And if the specific perpetrator is actually a woman, calling them a "Karen" is fine also.

    But it's nothing but sexist when the "default" term is feminine.  Even when the perpetrator is a man or if someone is talking about a group of both genders.

    It could just as easily have been a man's name for the default term.  But of course it wasn't.  Because throughout the annals of human history, including very much to the present day, "positive attributes=male" and "negative attributes=female".

    *To add to this, I've also become alarmed at how the "behavior" that now gets called out as being a "Karen" has evolved.

    Women are already less likely than men to speak up for themselves when they have been wronged.  They should speak up...professionally and politely...if they are being overcharged, or baited and switched, or being treated shitty by staff/someone.  But now I've heard so many times where someone just meekly gave up because they were worried they would be viewed as a "Karen". 
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  • But that is not the same thing.

    Is there misogyny present in men enjoying calling any woman they want to piss off a "Karen"?  Sure.  While Chad and (there's one other) have never taken off like they should as well, that doesn't suddenly make "Karen" sexist or a microaggression in of itself.  In your example, woman have changed their behavior to keep from being called a bitch, a non-team player, and all sorts of other things, Karen just being a newer version.  That doesn't make it okay to call the term Karen racist, sexist, or anything else.  There is no power being distributed downward by the word Karen...the critique goes up, not down.  That is also related to the fact that the Karen behavior has evolved into a joking matter rather than "white lady playing victime with white lady tears calls police on black people which can get them killed."

    The best example I can give is if a white woman is really upset by how Karen is perceived, she can by her middle name and avoid the issue.  Tamieka or Laquisha or any other number of black woman names that have absolutely been used to push black woman down, can go by another name entirely but her skin is still black and she is still oppressed by the racism.  Karens really suffer nothing at all and eventually the "joke" will go out of vogue and we'll all be called bitches again instead.  Not only that, but honestly, the only people I've seen worried about being called a Karen?  Were bigots who didn't want to be called out, not progressive women who are doing anti-racism work.
    Casadenacharlotte989875
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