Tuesday

VarunaTT

Working from home again today.  The last time I worked from home, the remote workstation was fine.  Yesterday and today it is slooooow.  I know cold weather can make a difference, but this is annoying.  Also, it does kinda suck just not having a snow day.  BUT, I'm in PJs and getting ready to start working, so that's a decent enough trade off.  We're supposed to have more weather incoming this afternoon, so I just decided it wasn't worth all the effort to go in, rolled out of bed, made coffee, and came upstairs to work.  

Otherwise, nothing too much going on.  Waiting rather impatiently for my Liteboxer to get here, I'm hoping in the next week.  People are starting to ask what I want to do for my birthday.  I'm not feeling my birthday; I know it's b/c in the last few years I've had traumatic things happen around my birthday and 46 is hitting me hard for some reason.  

mrsconn23

It is freezing here this morning.  The cold snap came on quickly and will leave just as fast. 

I am trying to clear the deck because I should start doing interviews next week and I need to be caught up so I am not making myself crazy.  My director is out of the office on a business trip, so that helps.    I put together a pretty spiffy hiring flier that I sent out to my whole dept., so we'll see what kind of response we get from that.  

DH starts traveling again for work next week.  I'm not ready.  This almost 2-month break has been glorious.  

SSDD otherwise.  

climbingsingle

Woke up to about an inch of snow this morning, which I was not expecting at all! Didn't really stick but it snowed my whole drive in and caused stupid traffic. 

N started painting the bedroom last night and it already looks so good. White on the trim and doors is making a huge difference. Hopefully it will all be done and put back together by the weekend. 

CharmedPam

Motivation level zero here too @VarunaTT.  SO glad it’s a wfh day anyway.  I had goals to get up and get my workout done, but between this damn headache and cramps, it’s a do nothing day today. 
I have a really really low key week coming up, and I like it that way. But I’ll be bored on Saturday, I know it.

Casadena

I'm frustrated trying to get into my work systems. We have like 5 things that are different, but related, and it seems like there's a certain order you need to access things in and i'm losing my mind trying to get IT to give me access to everything so i can actually attend a training this afternoon. 

It's super cold here today, but at least it's sunny! 

I'm sitting at the dealership waiting for my oil change and service to be done and I need a million coffees today. 

charlotte989875

It’s sunny here in Buffalo which also means it is really cold. I’ll take it given we’ve had 3 days of sun this entire month. 

H and I had another thing last night- he gets stressed/overwhelmed with the house being in disarray and snapped at me last night. He did say that like when he drives home from work or in downtime he gets “bombarded” by lists of things that he “has to do” at home and honestly- a lot of time these are things that are necessary to be done. I know he’s stressed and hates clutter but like- that doesn’t feel like a “normal” reaction to me. I think he would really benefit from talking to someone (he’s said in the past he thinks he has ADHD) but I don’t know that he would be willing. Has anyone else dealt with this before? 

ei34

@charlotte989875 I experienced similar with stbxh, but it didn't end well (and his frustration at having to be an adult after work wasn't the only reason it didn't end well!), so unfortunately I don't have advice, but sympathy- that's *really* annoying for you to have to deal with!  
Good luck / sending vibes for all the birthday feels you're having @VarunaTT

Annoyed by a couple different small things at work, that are adding up to major annoyance.  And just feeling a bit blah.

Casadena

charlotte989875 said:

It’s sunny here in Buffalo which also means it is really cold. I’ll take it given we’ve had 3 days of sun this entire month. 

H and I had another thing last night- he gets stressed/overwhelmed with the house being in disarray and snapped at me last night. He did say that like when he drives home from work or in downtime he gets “bombarded” by lists of things that he “has to do” at home and honestly- a lot of time these are things that are necessary to be done. I know he’s stressed and hates clutter but like- that doesn’t feel like a “normal” reaction to me. I think he would really benefit from talking to someone (he’s said in the past he thinks he has ADHD) but I don’t know that he would be willing. Has anyone else dealt with this before? 

SIB somehow:

Charlotte, this sounds SO much like my H. He started seeing a therapist about 18 months ago and i dont' know how much it has helped, honestly. Our issue is similar, except that when he gets in those moods he blames me (even though it's OUR house/mess/etc - it's something we're working on). It's really hard to deal with and i really really feel for you. 

Couples therapy was helpful for us for the short time we were able to schedule it. 

VarunaTT

charlotte989875 said:

It’s sunny here in Buffalo which also means it is really cold. I’ll take it given we’ve had 3 days of sun this entire month. 

H and I had another thing last night- he gets stressed/overwhelmed with the house being in disarray and snapped at me last night. He did say that like when he drives home from work or in downtime he gets “bombarded” by lists of things that he “has to do” at home and honestly- a lot of time these are things that are necessary to be done. I know he’s stressed and hates clutter but like- that doesn’t feel like a “normal” reaction to me. I think he would really benefit from talking to someone (he’s said in the past he thinks he has ADHD) but I don’t know that he would be willing. Has anyone else dealt with this before? 

I'm trying not to fly off the handle here, but is this the same man that goes galvanting off every effin' weekend?  B/c YEAH THE GD HOUSE IS IN DISSARAY WHEN YOU'RE THE ONLY EFFIN' ADULT TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING. 

I'm trying not to armchair project here.  I think you both need to get into couples and individual therapy.  Just from prior experience, it is really hard to tell a line between support and enable...I think you're sliding into enabling, recognizing it, pushing back, and he doesn't like it.  I mean, yeah, this is adulthood, he's married and has a kid, there's stuff that has to be done and it sucks, but you figure out a way to deal with it.  If he needs help figuring the "way" out, that's not shameful, but refusing that help sure AF is.

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

It’s sunny here in Buffalo which also means it is really cold. I’ll take it given we’ve had 3 days of sun this entire month. 

H and I had another thing last night- he gets stressed/overwhelmed with the house being in disarray and snapped at me last night. He did say that like when he drives home from work or in downtime he gets “bombarded” by lists of things that he “has to do” at home and honestly- a lot of time these are things that are necessary to be done. I know he’s stressed and hates clutter but like- that doesn’t feel like a “normal” reaction to me. I think he would really benefit from talking to someone (he’s said in the past he thinks he has ADHD) but I don’t know that he would be willing. Has anyone else dealt with this before? 

The snippy side of me says, "Well if you were home more often you'd be using your weekends to get home projects done instead of hunting." 

The compassionate side of me says that I think he'd likely benefit from seeing a psychologist and maybe even a couple's counselor so he can hear about the division of labor.

And the reality of a house with a toddler is that IMO you have to accept a level of chaos and you'll likely not be Marie Kondo without throwing out a ton.

But in all of this as a grown adult you have to control your behavior.  So while you can feel tired and overwhelmed what you need to do is manage your frustration in a way that allows you to be a decent human being.  For DH that means he needs time to decompress when he gets home and often retreats to his dungeon in the basement a few days a week to be left alone.  It also means that tasks that are not with a required deadline like taking out the garbage wait til the weekend.  It also means that I don't nag him about getting things done and start to ask questions like, "is there a time that you'll be open to discussing this?"  which gives him an opportunity to respond. 

climbingsingle

I don't want to pile on but...he's gone how much of the time and he's blowing up at you for the house being messy? Or not as organized as he thinks it should be? Or that he needs to do things when he gets home? Uh, welcome to being an adult and a parent? That is some grade A bullshit, and I'm angry for you. 

And you don't need to answer this, but what he does do around the house? How much of the labor is he actually taking on? 

charlotte989875

The snippy side of me did say “who do you think takes care of the kid, and the dog, and the house and the construction drama when youve been gone for 4 weeks since September” last night. 

I do individual therapy (and thankfully tonight is therapy night!) and I think he would benefit from individual and we’d probably both benefit from couples therapy. 

He does a lot of cleaning around the house (more than I do) and I do most of the cooking. He is doing a lot of the labor around the house but I do a lot more of the kid related stuff. So I feel like it’s pretty balanced but I guess he doesnt?

He’s not blowing up as much as just being rude (which isn’t much better). The problem isn’t that he doesn’t do anything and expects a lot, it’s more— he comes up with a list of all the things that need to be done, he gets overwhelmed but the amount of things, and then rather communicate that he’s feeling frustrated with something, he gets snippy. I did (gently) tell him that’s a him problem and something he needs to work on and he acknowledged that. But I struggle with what’s the balance of being compassionate here but also being so damn tired. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

The snippy side of me did say “who do you think takes care of the kid, and the dog, and the house and the construction drama when youve been gone for 4 weeks since September” last night. 

I do individual therapy (and thankfully tonight is therapy night!) and I think he would benefit from individual and we’d probably both benefit from couples therapy. 

He does a lot of cleaning around the house (more than I do) and I do most of the cooking. He is doing a lot of the labor around the house but I do a lot more of the kid related stuff. So I feel like it’s pretty balanced but I guess he doesnt?

He’s not blowing up as much as just being rude (which isn’t much better). The problem isn’t that he doesn’t do anything and expects a lot, it’s more— he comes up with a list of all the things that need to be done, he gets overwhelmed but the amount of things, and then rather communicate that he’s feeling frustrated with something, he gets snippy. I did (gently) tell him that’s a him problem and something he needs to work on and he acknowledged that. But I struggle with what’s the balance of being compassionate here but also being so damn tired. 

I'm so sorry.  Toddlerhood with kids is no joke.  It's very rewarding but it's also tedious, dirty, and very hands on.   And add to the choking hazard with small kids and toddler stuff is just...big.  It takes up a lot of space and then if you're the first to have kids you accumulate more stuff.  It's a recipe for a clutter and time suck.  

And at times it is frustrating when you know that by having this small human who loves you with their whole heart you're also having to accept the current reality vs. what you were wanting. 

I say this as a person with a coffee table loaded in Scholastic fliers and school papers that I need to clean up after my next meeting.  

short+sassy

@VarunaTT, hopefully your Liteboxer comes soon!  I know you have been looking forward to it.  And that your WFH work system speeds up for you.

@climbingsingle, I'm always amazed at the huge difference just freshly painting the trim will do for a room.

@charlotte989875, speaking of housing projects, how are all of yours going?  Other than all the extra stress!

I assume you've already tried this but, especially since he's the one who's mentioned he thinks he has ADHD, some strong encouragement for him to get evaluated for it.  Maybe already have a few doctors and their phone numbers ready.  Offer to make the appointment for him since he has so much on his plate with the house (I know you do also).  But the goal is to get his tacit agreement, so you can tell him when/where to show up for his appointment.  You shouldn't have to do that, totally agree.  But sometimes it's the best way when someone is procrastinating.  And if he does have ADHD, I've heard there are good treatments nowadays that can make a big difference in managing that condition.  


Okay, phew!  The title company from the closing on Friday screwed up to the tune of $1500.  But they are admitting they did and will make it right.  I'll also eventually be reimbursed for the double property taxes that were paid.  Plus get 5 months of my property insurance back.  It also seems like my lender took too many days of interest, because they calculated it out to Feb. 12th.  I kid you not, all of that together should be about another $4K I'll be receiving.  Though in bits and pieces from different entities.

But the moral of the story my WW friends is, when buying or selling property, go over your HUD statement with a FINE TOOTH COMB!!!  Don't even trust the math.  Use your own calculator.  I find mistakes more than 50% of the time.

Quite frankly, it's pretty shocking.  Because a whole bunch of people...who supposedly know what they are doing (side-eye)...have to sign off on these.  The buyer/seller.  The lender.  The title company.  The RE agents see them.

STARMOON44

Idk why you’re looking to be compassionate towards an asshole who feels entitled to run off whenever he wants and then be rude to you because he’s stressed the house isn’t magically clean all the time. 

charlotte989875

STARMOON44 said:

Idk why you’re looking to be compassionate towards an asshole who feels entitled to run off whenever he wants and then be rude to you because he’s stressed the house isn’t magically clean all the time. 

Yup that’s a little out of line. I get that posting my personal life on here makes it open for anyone to comment however they see fit, but really how is this helpful?

CharmedPam

Yay @short+sassy! Glad it all worked out in the end.
i’m sorry you’re getting the brunt of it @charlotte989875. If H doesn’t think he wants to do couples or individual for himself, maybe he can be a “guest” to one or two of yours? Ironically enough that happened to me.  I was going to therapy… but exH was the topic of many of our convo’s so he eventually came with me, and then we ended up doing couples and individual sessions.

levioosa

charlotte989875 said:

The snippy side of me did say “who do you think takes care of the kid, and the dog, and the house and the construction drama when youve been gone for 4 weeks since September” last night. 

I do individual therapy (and thankfully tonight is therapy night!) and I think he would benefit from individual and we’d probably both benefit from couples therapy. 

He does a lot of cleaning around the house (more than I do) and I do most of the cooking. He is doing a lot of the labor around the house but I do a lot more of the kid related stuff. So I feel like it’s pretty balanced but I guess he doesnt?

He’s not blowing up as much as just being rude (which isn’t much better). The problem isn’t that he doesn’t do anything and expects a lot, it’s more— he comes up with a list of all the things that need to be done, he gets overwhelmed but the amount of things, and then rather communicate that he’s feeling frustrated with something, he gets snippy. I did (gently) tell him that’s a him problem and something he needs to work on and he acknowledged that. But I struggle with what’s the balance of being compassionate here but also being so damn tired. 

The bolded is H (who definitely also has ADHD that is undiagnosed). He makes these insane and impossible to attain lists of what needs to be done and then stresses out that it’s never close to being finished. It’s annoying because it adds more stress to what is already something that is somewhat stressful. 

That being said, it must be real nice to expect that everything will be magically done when you choose to go on vacation, I mean, on a hunting trip, almost every weekend. Wouldn’t we all love to check out every weekend and ignore all of the to do lists at home? 

I’d also be willing to be that if you sat down and truly made a division of labor list that it would starkly slant to your side. It isn’t just “put dishes in dishwasher and turn on. Put them away later when done. Pull out ladder for rain gutters. Clear these out. Return ladder to garage and bag leaves” It’s “make mental list of ingredients all meals including snacks for family. This week M hates apples and chicken nuggets. Last week he loved them. Change your go to food routine and plan. Go shopping and purchase, wake up early (or stay up late) and prep snacks and lunch for child, pack this. Then wake kid up, wrestle child into clothing (which they then hopefully keep on), bring downstairs and make breakfast. Hopefully child stays clean and/or out of mischief. Make mental note of time, is there snow? It’s an extra 10 minutes to daycare or grandma’s house then. Grab lunch and snacks for child, load the wrestle mania maniac into the car seat while fighting for your life, almost forgot, the dog needed fed breakfast too, throw this in a bowl while running out the door (you let the dog out to pee too while the morning was going), now that you’ve wrestled your child into the car seat he tells you he has to pee—NOW. So out of the car you go. Turns out he just didn’t want to leave the house. So you repeat the clothing and car seat wrestle. Now we’re good for take off.” That’s an entire exhausting amount of things that are an enormous mental load. That’s before you’ve even started your regular work day. So then you work all day and then get the reverse of that at night. 

Sometimes it’s hard for people *cough* mostly men *cough* to see how the division of labor and how mental load usually isn’t equal. That being said, a big part of being a good partner is about trying to understand your SO’s viewpoints and to work together for solutions. If H isn’t willing to do that then he’s being a shit person and partner. He has a responsibility to work WITH you, not just to accuse you and disagree. If he truly feels there is a mental health aspect, well, then he needs to be open and willing to work on that. You can’t just write off “I’m ADHD” and refuse to get help. I’m sorry charlotte. This is all so stressful and it’s so much to be going through. I’m glad you have a counseling session tonight. 

VarunaTT

After you added more, I have a little more sympathy.  I have started to say I have mild ADHD; b/c it's not noticed in women so much more (especially at the age I would've been tested)I probably do, but I've developed very strict habits/routine/lists of things to be done that if I have to deviate for any reason (no matter what the reason is, if it's big or small, fun or not), I can have a total meltdown.  I also have to have the list though, b/c if I don't, you'll see me running around my life, starting 1-503 projects up to about step 3 and then running off to the next one (I call it the ADHD squirrels being out of control), finishing and accomplishing absolutely nothing and sometimes making things worse.  And yeah, emotional regulation is a big part of the issue too, b/c I feel so frazzled that I'm irritated and it's easier to lash out.

He's also an adult, not a child.  Mental health issues are not an excuse for misbehaving, especially when I assume he doesn't believe he should be acting that way.  So, he needs to pull on resources to help make those things better.  The line is a hard act for you, b/c you can help, but he has to be the leader or he won't get better or learn the tools he needs.  I wouldn't mind researching a few doctors or reaching out to the primary to figure out the first few steps and even scheduling the first step, but there has to be a point where he manages this himself.  You're his partner and he is your partner; you are not each other's parental figures.  

I'm glad you're in therapy too.  Your therapist can definitely help with YOUR methods of dealing with this (please don't use your therapy time for helping him).

STARMOON44

charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Idk why you’re looking to be compassionate towards an asshole who feels entitled to run off whenever he wants and then be rude to you because he’s stressed the house isn’t magically clean all the time. 

Yup that’s a little out of line. I get that posting my personal life on here makes it open for anyone to comment however they see fit, but really how is this helpful?

Sorry! I didn’t mean it to be insulting. I saw in your post you trying really hard to be compassionate to him and I just don’t think that should be a priority. You deserve his compassion not the other way around, and you also deserve and have mine! Sorry I missed the mark on this comment!

climbingsingle

VarunaTT said:

After you added more, I have a little more sympathy.  I have started to say I have mild ADHD; b/c it's not noticed in women so much more (especially at the age I would've been tested)I probably do, but I've developed very strict habits/routine/lists of things to be done that if I have to deviate for any reason (no matter what the reason is, if it's big or small, fun or not), I can have a total meltdown.  I also have to have the list though, b/c if I don't, you'll see me running around my life, starting 1-503 projects up to about step 3 and then running off to the next one (I call it the ADHD squirrels being out of control), finished and accomplishing absolutely nothing and sometimes making things worse.  And yeah, emotional regulation is a big part of the issue too, b/c I feel so frazzled that I'm irritated and it's easier to lash out.

He's also an adult, not a child.  Mental health issues are not an excuse for misbehaving, especially when I assume he doesn't believe he should be acting that way.  So, he needs to pull on resources to help make those things better.  The line is a hard act for you, b/c you can help, but he has to be the leader or he won't get better or learn the tools he needs.  I wouldn't mind researching a few doctors or reaching out to the primary to figure out the first few steps and even scheduling the first step, but there has to be a point where he manages this himself.  You're his partner and he is your partner; you are not each other's parental figures.  

I'm glad you're in therapy too.  Your therapist can definitely help with YOUR methods of dealing with this (please don't use your therapy time for helping him).

Yes, to so much of this.

I don't like clutter, and N tends to be sort of a packrat, so things collect. And when he's got clothes all over the bedroom after doing his laundry, it makes me a little nutty. But I communicate it to him BEFORE I get to the point of even possibly lashing out. "Hey, think maybe you could get to your clothes on the floor in the bedroom?" and because we're partners, he makes it a priority to get it cleaned up. And vice versa when it comes to mail - I tend to just let it collect and not deal with it. When it gets to the point where it bothers him, he mentions it and I address it. 

So, he's making his whole list of things he thinks needs to be done, doesn't communicate it and then blows up at you. And yeah, that's being a really shitty partner. Are the things on his list even things you agree need to be handled? 

Add to that all his hunting trips where you're left handling everything while he's gone. When do you get to unplug from life? There's an unbalance here and it's completely unfair to you. 

AND if he feels he has ADHD and that's the root of his behavior, HE needs to get it dealt with. He doesn't get to just throw his hands up and say "Oh well, must be my ADHD" and then that's it and continue to be a shitty partner. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I know it is bad form to delete (and I've already been quoted) but realized I shouldn't have vented on here. I hope that no one knows DD and relays to her what I wrote.

STARMOON44

A 4 year old is not being sweet to manipulate! 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

A 4 year old is not being sweet to manipulate! 

Agreed!  They may be learning the concepts of positive reinforcement vs. punishment and may start to be at the point where they realize that positive behavior leads to positive outcomes. 

It can be really hard to get a kid to focus his behavior and at 4 they're still not able to control all the things.  There's a reason that 7 is considered the age of reason.  

Play is often used because a child does not understand the concept of therapy but they can work through situations with their therapist with an array of games.

MissKittyDanger

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Today was a busy day with the grandsons and it is cold AF in Chicago. We were out and about more today than we have been since I've been here! One of the twins is having major behavior problems and DD/SIL are having a hard time dealing with him. He is in therapy, but at this age it is mostly play. I'm not sure it is doing much good. He lashes out and becomes very physical. He is also very defiant. I don't have any suggestions for them because everything I would have done they don't do (time outs, a good swat sometimes). Please don't go off on me about corporal punishment. 
We didn't regularly spank but I remember a time or two when it was a dangerous situation and a child got a swat. I just don't know what to tell them other than the therapy (I did suggest that months ago). I personally think DD and SIL need therapy but between everything else that is going on, they can't find the time. Now I just keep my lips sealed because I have suggested it and it has fallen on deaf ears. He can also be very sweet at times but now I'm thinking the sweetness is being manipulative - not sure a 4 year old can do that though. I just hope they can figure it out and it doesn't damage the other two. The baby is already exhibiting aggressive behavior because he sees his older brother doing it. When I am around I try to remove the other two from the situation so they can have some calm time. I think it really bothers them when their brother is having a total meltdown. I'm here until Saturday so hopefully I can help out as much as possible.

idk if this is any help, but have them look into the insta "biglittlefeelings"

mrsconn23

Ugh @charlotte989875, I'm sorry.  There's been a lot of great advice put out in this post. Toddlerhood is great because you're not doing ev-er-y-thing to keep them alive (they can at least get food from hand to mouth and walk around and all the other things), but they're so much work because you're constantly having to communicate with them and the mental energy on top of the physical energy is a lot. 

One thing I can throw out as a starting point is that you both listen to Brene Brown's interviews with the Gottmans on "Unlocking Us" (I think it's only on Spoitfy).  Their, 'thing' is communication and how partners communicate with each other; and the advice is so simple and feels almost common sense, but the way they say it makes it feel easy to incorporate it almost immediately into your relationship.  It helps that Brene is also a really good interviewer. If you guys can listen to some or all of the episodes (I think there are 4 or 5), maybe it can help as the jumping-off point to a conversation where you both feel heard and doesn't feel as 'big' (to him) as committing to therapy.  Anyway, just my $0.02.   

And I'm sorry your daughter and SIL are struggling so hard with one kid, which turns into a struggle that touches the whole home  @ILoveBeachMusic.  It's good that they have him in therapy, but at 4 they just don't have the communication skills for it be a deep conversation, so a lot of it is observational and then making recommendations that the therapist can only hope are being followed through on at home.  I hope they can figure out the right wavelength for him so they feel like they can make headway on the behaviors.  And when your kid/grandkid is struggling and acting out so much, you do start to question everything and even when you're like, "there's no way he could be playing me...but 5 min ago he was screaming for a banana and now he's sweet-as-you please saying, "May I have some milk?", what the hell is going on?" is a normal thought process to go through.   And as the grandparent, watching them ALL struggle together and holding the line in your mind of what to do/say and not do/say is so very hard.  ((hugs)) 

MissKittyDanger

charlotte989875 said:

It’s sunny here in Buffalo which also means it is really cold. I’ll take it given we’ve had 3 days of sun this entire month. 

H and I had another thing last night- he gets stressed/overwhelmed with the house being in disarray and snapped at me last night. He did say that like when he drives home from work or in downtime he gets “bombarded” by lists of things that he “has to do” at home and honestly- a lot of time these are things that are necessary to be done. I know he’s stressed and hates clutter but like- that doesn’t feel like a “normal” reaction to me. I think he would really benefit from talking to someone (he’s said in the past he thinks he has ADHD) but I don’t know that he would be willing. Has anyone else dealt with this before? 

This could be an ADHD thing but it won't make things clean.

M has ADHD
I have ADHD, anxiety and depression and let me tell you how much of a fkn nightmare it is in our house.

Let's ignore the fact that your H is fucking off on weekend and literally expecting you to do everything - because that is an entire other situation.

Likely if your H got tested, they'd look at the anxiety portion of it. Because new studies are showing ADHD/anxiety are same scale and depends on each, depends on what you get treated for {some do both}

Yes clutter is stressful and yes it's overwhelming to come home to knowing you have 80,000 things to do and seeing it all can often just make people shut down.

That happens to me. Also fun adding in the down parts of depression and things pile up ... then the basically mild manic episode of "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS" happens ...

I think it would benefit your H talking to someone BUT yes this would be a situation I would call a marriage counselor about.

VarunaTT

Weirdly, TikTok would be helpful here.  There's lots of creators sharing their "hacks" for getting around things like (what it sounds like here) executive dysfunction.  Basically, you just can't make a decision; you may have done all of the work to make the decisions (i.e. his list), but now it's all overwhelming and that last little step is just not going to happen, no matter how much you want it to.

The big thing is to try and work with the things, not against it.  One of the routines I saw that I liked was that someone took a big laundry basket and put their cleaning supplies in it.  Went into the room they wanted to clean.  If something is in that room that actually belongs in room B, they just throw it in the laundry basket.  Why?  B/c if someone with ADHD goes trotting to room B to put away that thing, they get distracted, will start doing something in Room B, realize they've left Room A half done, got trotting back to Room A, rinse and repeat until every room in the house is half cleaned and now it's all messy.  I do something similar, but I'm able to leave the thing at the door of the correct room...most of the time.  I recognize the pattern, so I just make myself leave it there and walk away, reminding myself I'll be back (which actually plays quite well into doom piling, but I'm ooookkkaaayyy at handling that...most of the time.  Just don't look at my dining room table right now.  I cleaned the one at the top of the stairs this weekend).

ILoveBeachMusic

mrsconn23 said:

Ugh @charlotte989875, I'm sorry.  There's been a lot of great advice put out in this post. Toddlerhood is great because you're not doing ev-er-y-thing to keep them alive (they can at least get food from hand to mouth and walk around and all the other things), but they're so much work because you're constantly having to communicate with them and the mental energy on top of the physical energy is a lot. 

One thing I can throw out as a starting point is that you both listen to Brene Brown's interviews with the Gottmans on "Unlocking Us" (I think it's only on Spoitfy).  Their, 'thing' is communication and how partners communicate with each other; and the advice is so simple and feels almost common sense, but the way they say it makes it feel easy to incorporate it almost immediately into your relationship.  It helps that Brene is also a really good interviewer. If you guys can listen to some or all of the episodes (I think there are 4 or 5), maybe it can help as the jumping-off point to a conversation where you both feel heard and doesn't feel as 'big' (to him) as committing to therapy.  Anyway, just my $0.02.   

And I'm sorry your daughter and SIL are struggling so hard with one kid, which turns into a struggle that touches the whole home  @ILoveBeachMusic.  It's good that they have him in therapy, but at 4 they just don't have the communication skills for it be a deep conversation, so a lot of it is observational and then making recommendations that the therapist can only hope are being followed through on at home.  I hope they can figure out the right wavelength for him so they feel like they can make headway on the behaviors.  And when your kid/grandkid is struggling and acting out so much, you do start to question everything and even when you're like, "there's no way he could be playing me...but 5 min ago he was screaming for a banana and now he's sweet-as-you please saying, "May I have some milk?", what the hell is going on?" is a normal thought process to go through.   And as the grandparent, watching them ALL struggle together and holding the line in your mind of what to do/say and not do/say is so very hard.  ((hugs)) 

Thank you. I really just needed to vent because I do see the parents struggling and the effect it is having on the younger ones. It is just hard.

ILoveBeachMusic

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

A 4 year old is not being sweet to manipulate! 

Agreed!  They may be learning the concepts of positive reinforcement vs. punishment and may start to be at the point where they realize that positive behavior leads to positive outcomes. 

It can be really hard to get a kid to focus his behavior and at 4 they're still not able to control all the things.  There's a reason that 7 is considered the age of reason.  

Play is often used because a child does not understand the concept of therapy but they can work through situations with their therapist with an array of games.

Yes I know play is therapy for the child but they (the adults) aren't getting anything out of that kind of therapy. That is why I think they need to go to separate therapy themselves - so they can learn how to deal with it. I also realize that he isn't really manipulative - it was just a really difficult day.

banana468

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

A 4 year old is not being sweet to manipulate! 

Agreed!  They may be learning the concepts of positive reinforcement vs. punishment and may start to be at the point where they realize that positive behavior leads to positive outcomes. 

It can be really hard to get a kid to focus his behavior and at 4 they're still not able to control all the things.  There's a reason that 7 is considered the age of reason.  

Play is often used because a child does not understand the concept of therapy but they can work through situations with their therapist with an array of games.

Yes I know play is therapy for the child but they (the adults) aren't getting anything out of that kind of therapy. That is why I think they need to go to separate therapy themselves - so they can learn how to deal with it. I also realize that he isn't really manipulative - it was just a really difficult day.

Oh I apologize and misunderstood that I thought that the belief was that the child wasn't getting anything out of the therapy.

I absolutely agree that it your assessment that therapy for the child and the adult is likely needed.

We have an appointment to assess Chiquita for ADHD next week and her pedi recommends therapy when there is that diagnosis.