Wedding Woes

Do not make this his problem.

Dear Prudence, 

I’m still pretty close with my first ever boyfriend. We dated at around age 13, then got together again at 18, ending when I left the country. We maintained contact through friendly-yet-distant letters every couple of months. At this time, I begin having more relationships with women and presenting more masculine. After university, I moved back home and we kept being friends, meeting occasionally to go to a museum or restaurant and catch up, swap books, etc. It’s been a really pleasant and stable friendship, but in the last few months I’ve found myself developing feelings for him again. I like the person he has become, I like how our tastes and ideas mix, and I find myself wishing we could do more things together. He hasn’t indicated interest in dating me, and I haven’t even indicated much interest in men! We don’t talk about our past, or what feelings we have about each other beyond being pleased to have such a good relationship.

It seems like what I’m experiencing right now is just an infatuation, but it’s getting in the way of my having real romances right now—it’s hard for people you see constantly to compare with some guy you see occasionally only for good times, even before factoring in our history. I wish I could talk to him about this to give him a chance to react, or help choose what to do about it, but he has a girlfriend he seems serious about! It’d be a huge overstep, and unkind to her, even if it’s only to confirm he isn’t interested. All in all, I’m a bit frightened and confused. I don’t know whether to distance myself immediately (I don’t want to!) or write some sort of letter or call for a special meeting or what.

— Oh No, Am I Microdosing?

Re: Do not make this his problem.

  • Do not tell someone with a girlfriend that you have feelings for him especially when you're not even sure what those feelings mean. 
  • Do not tell him you have feelings for him if he’s in a serious relationship. If he did share your feelings he should be the one to end it with her and come to you, ESPECIALLY if you don’t even know if these feelings are real/ what they mean. 
  • Yeah, firmly on team "don't tell him". You have a nice friendship and dated 5+ years ago when you were children. I totally understand having "what if" thoughts and reminiscing to yourself about how good things were and how that could get you to this place. But he's happy with a serious partner and you're a jerk if you tell him, especially when you're not sure yourself. 
  • Come on, LW, haven't you seen a single shitty 90's RomCom? Clearly you need to tell him, in the most embarrassing and inconvenient way for him. Make sure you also get a sassy gay BFF to feed you chocolate and blow smoke up your ass. 
    This is best when he's already at the altar, about to marry the other woman.

    There were various transportation/misc. difficulties getting to the church.  Her hair is a mess.  Her clothes have various tears and dirt streaks.

    But none of that matters because they have loved each other all along, but were too stubborn to admit it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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