When you focus on behavior, you miss the feelings behind it.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My ex and I divorced when my daughter “Kira” was 5. I remarried when she was 11. My new wife and I have a 4-year-old, a toddler, and a newborn. It is a struggle to keep everything fair and balanced, but I try my best to do right by all my children. The problem is Kira keeps running hot and cold with me.

My ex and I share equal custody, but we let Kira decide where she wants to stay most of the time as we live only a few blocks away from each other. Kira keeps fighting with her mom and comes over here, only to fight with her stepmom and me. Sometimes she is good with her siblings and the next she acts like she is Cinderella (we never ask Kira to babysit but we do occasionally ask her to entertain the older two kids while we make dinner). When upset, Kira will hurl the most hurtful statements possible, saying how much she hates her half-siblings and calling them the shiny new replacement children. She has done this in front of our 4-year-old. Kira always says she doesn’t mean it afterward.

My wife, my ex, and I have sat down with Kira and explained how much we love her but she can’t keep acting this way and trying to play her mom and me off each other. Kira accused us of ganging up on her and refused to go to counseling. My ex says that Kira will be off to college in two years so we shouldn’t press her. My wife is exhausted and tells me I need to deal with Kira. I love my daughter but short of marching her to therapy, I don’t know what to do.

—Doubtful Dad

banana468

I think if Kira is going off to college AND there's the potential that she wants your financial assistance you can put up hard stops.  Tell her that the behavior needs to change and you will have family therapy together.

That said, your kid is a typical teen and therapy for YOU may help so you can navigate dealing with the emotional roller coaster that is an adolescent. 

VarunaTT

Some times, parents have to step in and be parents and TELL their children what is going to happen.  I'm 100% sure that therapists who deal with teens are absolutely prepared for a teen that is refusing to go and is being brought by their parents b/c it's necessary.  Family counseling is in order too. She's acting out; this isn't uncommon behavior, though it's a lot.

charlotte989875

You’re the parent and you can attach consequences to behavior- but that’s probably not getting at what’s driving this. If she’s apologizing later for what she says, talk to her about what’s going on. How she’s feeling; what’s upsetting her. Offer to go to counseling with her not just sending her. Kids often feel like counseling is punishment for something they don’t see as their fault. You need to help her understand that it’s something you all need to do together (and honestly should have started doing a long time ago). Letting this be for the next 2 years is only going to make whatever is going on in her feel worse. 

levioosa

VarunaTT said:

Some times, parents have to step in and be parents and TELL their children what is going to happen.  I'm 100% sure that therapists who deal with teens are absolutely prepared for a teen that is refusing to go and is being brought by their parents b/c it's necessary.  Family counseling is in order too. She's acting out; this isn't uncommon behavior, though it's a lot.

She’s not an adult. If you want her to go to therapy…then you sign her up for therapy. 

STARMOON44

levioosa said:

VarunaTT said:

Some times, parents have to step in and be parents and TELL their children what is going to happen.  I'm 100% sure that therapists who deal with teens are absolutely prepared for a teen that is refusing to go and is being brought by their parents b/c it's necessary.  Family counseling is in order too. She's acting out; this isn't uncommon behavior, though it's a lot.

She’s not an adult. If you want her to go to therapy…then you sign her up for therapy. 

And with the therapist you revisit whether it makes sense to let her choose where to live in the moment. She might benefit from being told nope, you need to live with each parent some of the time on a set schedule, and let’s work together on what that schedule is. 

charlotte989875

STARMOON44 said:

levioosa said:

VarunaTT said:

Some times, parents have to step in and be parents and TELL their children what is going to happen.  I'm 100% sure that therapists who deal with teens are absolutely prepared for a teen that is refusing to go and is being brought by their parents b/c it's necessary.  Family counseling is in order too. She's acting out; this isn't uncommon behavior, though it's a lot.

She’s not an adult. If you want her to go to therapy…then you sign her up for therapy. 

And with the therapist you revisit whether it makes sense to let her choose where to live in the moment. She might benefit from being told nope, you need to live with each parent some of the time on a set schedule, and let’s work together on what that schedule is. 

This makes me think… is the daughter looking for one parent to say “we love you, we want you to be with us full time, here’s the schedule and we’re so excited to have you”. Look teenagers can jump to all kinds of convulsions I wonder if she’s thinking “they say I can stay anywhere that must mean they don’t care where I am and don’t care about me” where the parents look at it as giving her what she wants. 

VarunaTT

charlotte989875 said:

STARMOON44 said:

levioosa said:

VarunaTT said:

Some times, parents have to step in and be parents and TELL their children what is going to happen.  I'm 100% sure that therapists who deal with teens are absolutely prepared for a teen that is refusing to go and is being brought by their parents b/c it's necessary.  Family counseling is in order too. She's acting out; this isn't uncommon behavior, though it's a lot.

She’s not an adult. If you want her to go to therapy…then you sign her up for therapy. 

And with the therapist you revisit whether it makes sense to let her choose where to live in the moment. She might benefit from being told nope, you need to live with each parent some of the time on a set schedule, and let’s work together on what that schedule is. 

This makes me think… is the daughter looking for one parent to say “we love you, we want you to be with us full time, here’s the schedule and we’re so excited to have you”. Look teenagers can jump to all kinds of convulsions I wonder if she’s thinking “they say I can stay anywhere that must mean they don’t care where I am and don’t care about me” where the parents look at it as giving her what she wants. 

That's interesting, b/c I immediately went to...she's playing both parents against each other (which they seem to think as well).  It's fairly normal behavior in a teen with divorced parents, so I wasn't surprised.  But not having a "set" schedule is definitely making that behavior worse.

banana468

I think she's not only playing both parents but pulling the "i'm the OTHER kid when I'm at Dad's" feeling.   And she's allowed to have her feelings but not to dictate the terms.