Start removing yourself from the disrespect.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

The relationship I have with my stepmother is a complicated one, and I feel like it’s starting to compromise my relationship with my father. For context: My biological mother is alive and we are very close, and my stepmother has been in my life since I was 6 years old. I have no siblings or stepsiblings, and my parents divorced when I was quite young. In my childhood, my stepmother and I were very close, and I thought of her as a second mother. Once I reached my teenage years, I had a very difficult time and struggled with depression, self-esteem, and risk-taking behaviors, often to the detriment of my parents, who had to deal with my sneaking out, lying, etc. My stepmother was particularly wounded by this behavior, and our relationship has not been the same since. I’ve apologized and made amends several times over, but every couple of years, her resentment crops up and she ignores me, lashes out at me, or starts fights with me. She reads malice into all of my words and actions, and seems convinced that I always have an ulterior motive. I’m 27 now, and I’m tired of being punished for the sins of my youth. My father stands passively by, and maintains that our relationship is between us, and has nothing to do with him. I’m growing very frustrated with both of them, and tired of being treated this way. How should I navigate this situation?

— Evil Stepdaughter

climbingsingle

Your dad sucks, as does your step mother. I'd ask to speak with them both and lay it out out there. Yes, you made mistakes, but you apologized and are an adult now, and you should all be able to move on. And if they don't agree, distance yourself and set boundaries. 

Shit, I put my parents through hell when I was a teenager, as did my brother. I can't imagine them still holding on to to a grudge from that. How ridiculous and immature. 

mrsconn23

I struggle with this letter because I'm *sure* the kiddo can identify with this LW a little.  One huge difference between LW's stepmom and me is that I'm hyper-aware when I'm getting anxious about the kiddo being up to his 'old shit'.  But he's 22 and improving every day and I do try to have that perspective when I start down a negative path and want to be critical of his decisions.  I also 'release' myself from feeling guilt or responsibility.  Also, I make DH deal with the kiddo and be our 'mouthpiece' to him instead of me since it can be a source of tension based on our history.  That's not saying I never talk to the kiddo or we don't have a good relationship, but I've just learned when it's easier for stuff to come from DH rather than me. I love the kiddo and am super proud of him and the amazing strides he's made especially in the last year or so.  However, when someone burns you over and over, it's hard to let go of the betrayal and fully trust them. 

Anyway, I do talk about this in therapy a lot and I've learned where to place my boundaries. And I hope (and think) the kiddo sees the improvement in our relationship.  I'm sure he has trust issues with me because we had a rough ride for many years. I hope it continues to improve between us and by the time he's 27 that the issues we encountered in his teen years are just a whisper. 

In the situation LW describes, I think they do need to remove themselves when stepmom starts winding up on the past.  LW should say something like, "I know I put you through a lot about a decade ago, however we have talked about this many times and I've apologized for my poor choices/behavior.  I have made strides to improve myself and repair relationships.  If I have wronged you recently, please let me know, but I am done with litigating the past and being disrespected."  And then leave.  Everytime it happens.