Have you tried to help her at all or just been worried about your own feelings?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been with a wonderful woman for three years. We got engaged, she got pregnant, and we were planning a happy future together. But then many things happened in quick succession and now I’m left feeling adrift: Her father died from cancer, then she got into a car accident and had a miscarriage. The happy, bubbly person I fell in love with turned into an angry, bitter woman who lashes out at everyone and picks fights at the smallest provocation. I try my best to support her, but I’m feeling burned out and taken for granted. I understand she’s hurt and grieving, but I feel that it isn’t an excuse to scream and yell at someone just for breathing. I’m considering breaking off the engagement, but at the same time we’ve been together for three years, and up until recently, we were happy together. The other issue is that we moved in together shortly before our engagement, and we had just renewed our lease for another year. But every day I spend with her is crushing me, to the point where I dread coming home. Is it abandoning her if I break up with her?

—Sunk Cost

climbingsingle

Have you even tried suggesting therapy to her? People handle grief in all different ways, and she suffered two huge losses in what sounds like a very short period of time. 

STARMOON44

Yeah before dumping your grieving fiancée I think you at least say that you need for the two of you to go to therapy. 

VarunaTT

WOW.  I hope she gets into therapy and dumps you, LW.  WTF.  This can't even have been this long of a time period and you're ready to bounce?  WTF do you think life is going to be like all the time, just rainbows and puppy kisses and completely centered on you?  Also, "she had a miscarriage" and you don't seem to have any feels about that?

You need therapy too.

short+sassy

I'm not saying the LW needs to sit there silently and take the emotional abuse and unhappiness.  But it sounds like they haven't even tried to work things through with their FI during this difficult time.

They should talk to their FI, in a non-judgemental way, about the changes they have seen in her personality and that they are worried for her about it.  Suggest they get counseling, either couples or individually.  Maybe both.

mrsconn23

She lost her dad and then got into a car accident and the baby she clearly wanted didn't survive that.  It's no wonder she's having a hard time.  That could break the most confident, together, 'stable' person.  Watching someone die from cancer is no walk in the park. It's awful and traumatic and scarring.   I've never lost a child, but I can imagine it's an incredible hell to be in.  

I wonder if LW is also masking their own grief at the loss of their child by wanting her to return to 'normal'?  What LW is refusing to see is that 'normal' has changed drastically and there can be happiness, joy, companionship, etc. with their FI, but this has to be worked through and she may not be who she was before ever again.  Compounded tragedy is a lot and brings a lot of people to a breaking point.  

I don't love Prudie's response because it's really not good advice...for someone who's doing an 'advice' column.  

Dear Sunk Cost,

The only thing worse than being abandoned after a series of tragedies would be being married to a man who no longer loves the person you are after a series of tragedies. You aren’t doing her any favors by staying with her if you no longer like who she is. You should break up.

charlotte989875

Assuming leases are a year, in that time she got unexpectedly pregnant, lost her dad, got into a car accident, and lost the baby she wanted. That’s so much trauma in a short period of time. She needs therapy and support. 

But if you can’t or don’t want to be there with her through that you need to tell her that too. Lashing out isn’t okay but it’s also pretty common during trauma and grief. You don’t have to take it but there’s a lot you can do to support and encourage her to seek treatment. 

banana468

This is a TON of trauma and it's coupled not just with the actual events but the hormonal upheaval that is a human body that stopped carrying a child.  

She needs therapy and maybe even medication.  It's so much to go through and she needs support not a jerk wondering why someone took his sunshine away. 

flantastic

This is what it means to commit to a human person and not a lifestyle, LW. A person will change, because they grow, because tragedies happen to them, etc. Figure out now if that's something you can handle.

The loss of a kid often causes people to divorce, because you grieve differently, if you don't recognize and communicate about that. Like I'm sure it's very easy for the FI to read "we lost our baby and this AH doesn't care" into his behavior, when maybe it just affects him differently. They absolutely need to go to therapy separately and together.

I don't love the tone of this LW but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here.