Dear Prudence,
I (35F) have a new roommate, “Chad” (28M). He has so far been very courteous about shared spaces, and coordinating use of said shared spaces, which I greatly appreciate. He has been communicative about having guests over and sensitive to keeping noise down. I hope we have a harmonious cohabitation relationship for a long time! We were acquaintances who’d hung out a few times before he moved in, and he’s a really nice person.
The problem is with conversations. Chad is extremely self-absorbed and not only constantly steers the conversation towards himself, but dominates it to boot. I might say one thing, like “I work tomorrow from 2-10” and his response will be, “Well it doesn’t matter, because I have a meeting at such and such time, then I’m having lunch with a friend, then I’m doing this, oh and then I have this thing, and after that…” on and on, telling me every single detail. And not just when it comes to scheduling or logistics; I might say something on a personal note like, “I don’t talk to my sister much” and he’ll take that as an opportunity to tell me not only that he’s really close with his sister, but also the nature of their relationship, some jokes and experiences they’ve shared, several facts about her … it is absolutely exhausting and decidedly NOT fun for this introvert who really values conversational and relational balance. To make matters worse, when I am able to get a word in, he tramples all over me then too. And he interrupts me All. The. Time. I am about to lose my mind. It’s only been two weeks.
The excuses he gives are “Oh that’s just my ADHD” or “Yeah, you know me, I’m a talker!” As a female, I am in general very sensitive to being interrupted and verbally bulldozed by men, and will assert myself strongly—“Please don’t interrupt me,” “I’m still speaking,” “Can I finish?” etc. Or sometimes I will even pointedly increase my volume and repeat one sentence until they get the hint and stop interrupting me before I go on. But I want my home to remain a harmonious place, and am not sure such an aggressive approach will serve me as well in this instance.
If he finds me totally uninteresting as a person, honestly, that’s fine. I don’t need his attention or interest to know that I am enough. What I do need is balance. How do I approach this? What should I say? I don’t want to sound mean or nagging or demanding (and thank you patriarchy, for teaching me that I am inherently those things just for asserting my needs … *eye roll* … the unlearning continues!), but I can’t keep being conversationally leeched either.
— It Doesn’t Have to Be 50/50