Dear Prudence,
Our son is getting married this fall. He and his fiancé are mad about each other, as you would hope for your child. Our family is close, sentimental, and demonstrative, and so is hers. We’ve begun a friendship with her parents, with whom we have much in common, in our values and our social personalities. I’ve told them that I am so glad he’ll have them for in-laws, and I mean it. As for our future daughter-in-law, she’s smart and cute and delightful—when she feels like it. As far as we can tell, she contributes nothing to the work of any relationship, with us or with our son. She won’t work, cook, clean, shop, manage the bills; all practical and emotional labor falls to him. My husband and I feel like she avoids any casual contact with us unless forced, and she makes no effort at developing personal bonds with either of us. It feels sort of like we’re the parents at a teenager’s party: We provide the house and the snacks but we’re not on the invite list.
For example, we threw a shower, and I wrapped in a keepsake box of mementos from his childhood; art and trinkets that I have held over the years. It was, for me, a deeply sentimental gift, and I looked forward to giving it. She opened it, made a comment about making her hold on to all this stuff so I didn’t have to anymore, and put it aside. She showed no curiosity at all about the treasures inside. She moved on to other gifts. The shower was lovely, everyone had a good time, and only this morning I allowed myself to acknowledge the hurt and the disappointment. I’ll be seeing them in a couple of hours, and as has happened many, many times through this relationship, I’m preparing myself to put the worry and the hurt aside so that I can be the open, supportive person I want to be for them.
I don’t know how to keep this up for the years to come. I worry for my son, that he’ll carry all of the burdens until he breaks someday, and I don’t know how to keep managing the feeling of being slighted. I want a loving relationship with my daughter-in-law, and I fear that it will always be pretend. I don’t know what to do. Even after hours discussing it with my therapist, I feel like I must be missing some real way I can improve our relationship, at least. Is there anything besides just keeping up the brave face?
—Still Swimming