I think you may end up having to choose your family or your mental health. (hint:therapy)

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I feel really strongly about a family dynamic I’m experiencing, but I am starting to sense that I might be in the wrong. My brother and I (both adults) grew up in a complicated household with an alcoholic parent. During that time, I became the scapegoat for a lot of things I, only years later (and with considerable therapy), realized I didn’t deserve. My younger brother witnessed the anger my parents directed toward me, and began treating me similarly. This has continued into our adulthood.

Now, two decades later, I am struggling with how to maintain both a relationship with my family and my own mental well-being. My brother treats me with frequent condescension and rudeness, and when I bring this up to him, he tells me I’m being overly sensitive. My mom has witnessed some of these interactions and tells me “he’s in a dark place right now, we just need to give him grace,” or “that’s just his sense of humor.” As a concrete example, last year I invited my brother to spend a holiday with my family. He responded, “why on earth would I want to do that?” I shared that the response made me sad and that it was a missed opportunity to spend time with my kids, his nephews. My mom and aunt told me his response was a hilarious joke and that I was overreacting.

I’m feeling entirely unsupported by my family, but I also can’t define exactly what I’m asking of them. When I suggest that someone could step in when they witness my brother treating me unkindly, I’m told that we are adults and it’s between us … which is true! But when I say I’d rather not invite him to a family function I’m hosting, I’m told that I need to be more inclusive and more patient. Somehow, I’m coming off looking like the bad guy in either case, and I’m to the point where I fantasize about telling my entire family to hit the road and stop calling me. Can you point me in the right direction here? How can I avoid my brother’s meanness and—more importantly—how can I lessen the resentment I feel toward the rest of my family’s look-the-other-way attitude?

—Maybe I Missed the Joke

charlotte989875

More therapy to develop the skills to say “please don’t treat me like that” when he’s an asshole. Your parents have demonstrated they are not going to stand up for you so reset your expectations because it’s not going to happen. 

And yes, stop hanging out with them so much. Tell them you will see them but only when you’re treated with respect and follow through on that. 

climbingsingle

You need therapy. And sometimes, you need to cut off toxic relationships for your own mental health and sanity. and yes, that can include family too. 

VarunaTT

I'm not sure how LW is "sharing" with everyone in their concrete example.  So, for instance if LW told their brother, "This upset me" and then brother went off and told the rest of the family who felt a need to step up and make LW feel like crap, there's a lot of room for making boundaries around each of these people.  That might involve knowing you can't share X with person A and B, etc.  But whatever it is, LW needs to make it clear that this behavior will mean LW steps out.  And do it. Sometimes, you can't maintain a relationship.  It hurts BUT that hurt is something manageable and constant, vs. what LW is living through now.

short+sassy

Unfortunately, this has long been engrained behavior with the family.  If they don't see a problem and don't want to change, then they aren't going to no matter what the LW says.

If it were me, I'd go the LC route and stop hosting family functions.  Keep them at a distance and only spend time with them occasionally.  Nothing wrong with going NC either, if the LW feels they need that for their mental health.  But I don't think they are to that point yet.