But did you give your daughters other money?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I told our three children that they had each set aside for them. We preferred they use it for their education but at 25, it would be theirs free and clear. And that was it, short of extraordinary circumstances. Our son used his money to go to college and the remainder to pay for his wedding. Our daughters both went into the military and had their college covered. One used her money to live abroad while the other recently used hers to buy a house. Our son and his wife have been struggling to conceive for a few years and have been very private about their attempts. We didn’t know about the amount of debt they have gone into trying for a child. They took out a second mortgage and maxed out credit cards. Right now, they are in a massive amount of debt. They asked us for more money to try IVF with a surrogate and stated that if we could “help” our daughters get a house and live overseas, we could do this one small thing for them.

We aren’t rich and given our family history, we are concerned about our quality of care as we age so retirement is our number one priority now. My wife and I declined and reminded our son that he got the same amount of money as his sisters. We had no control over what any of them did with it. Our daughter-in-law started to cry and berate us for how selfish we were and said that when they had a child we would never see them. Our daughter-in-law has already held us at arm’s length but has never been hostile toward us. We chalked it to her introverted nature. It was a shock and even worse, our son backed her up, saying how we never helped him and insulted his sisters as the “golden girls who got everything.” Now there is a rift between us and we have no idea what to do.

—Hurt in Houston

STARMOON44

“Son, as you know, we have you and your sisters the same generous amount of financial support. We have to take care of ourselves as well and cannot afford additional financial gifts to any of you.”

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

“Son, as you know, we have you and your sisters the same generous amount of financial support. We have to take care of ourselves as well and cannot afford additional financial gifts to any of you.”

All of this. 

I cannot for the life of me imagine the gall of the son who is forgetting that things were equal.  And it likely wouldn't end there.  First it would be IVF but then if/when there's a child what then? 

Asking people to invest in something with such a limited likelihood of success is so bad and if the rift continues it's where I'd consider advising at least the siblings why there is bad blood.  

I'm a big believer that you shouldn't have to dip into limited retirement funds ever - especially not for something that has limited success. 

STARMOON44

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

“Son, as you know, we have you and your sisters the same generous amount of financial support. We have to take care of ourselves as well and cannot afford additional financial gifts to any of you.”

All of this. 

I cannot for the life of me imagine the gall of the son who is forgetting that things were equal.  And it likely wouldn't end there.  First it would be IVF but then if/when there's a child what then? 

Asking people to invest in something with such a limited likelihood of success is so bad and if the rift continues it's where I'd consider advising at least the siblings why there is bad blood.  

I'm a big believer that you shouldn't have to dip into limited retirement funds ever - especially not for something that has limited success. 

IVF with a surrogate isn’t necessarily something unlikely to succeed. I don’t think judgment about likelihood of success needs to come into the decision making. Even if it guaranteed a child, they don’t have the money. 

levioosa

It’s a lose lose situation. Both H and I have siblings who swear up and down that we were the golden children who were given everything, despite having the same opportunities. There’s literally no amount of logic or outright proof that can right the wrongs they feel. Parents gave everyone the same amount. What the kids did with it was their prerogative. This is very sad, but the outcome would have been the same if son decided to buy a Ferrari instead and now was having financial troubles with something else. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

“Son, as you know, we have you and your sisters the same generous amount of financial support. We have to take care of ourselves as well and cannot afford additional financial gifts to any of you.”

All of this. 

I cannot for the life of me imagine the gall of the son who is forgetting that things were equal.  And it likely wouldn't end there.  First it would be IVF but then if/when there's a child what then? 

Asking people to invest in something with such a limited likelihood of success is so bad and if the rift continues it's where I'd consider advising at least the siblings why there is bad blood.  

I'm a big believer that you shouldn't have to dip into limited retirement funds ever - especially not for something that has limited success. 

IVF with a surrogate isn’t necessarily something unlikely to succeed. I don’t think judgment about likelihood of success needs to come into the decision making. Even if it guaranteed a child, they don’t have the money. 

My point is that there can be issues of the viability/strength of the embryos in addition to the very real situation that is just the unpredictability of pregnancy.    That said, the couple are already united in their decision on this so my feelings aren't really part of the point - it's that they have been fair w/ their son and the well is dry. 

short+sassy

I know the son and DIL are going through some heartbreaking times, but that isn't an excuse to treat the parents this badly.

I don't know how someone "forgets" their parents paid for their college and wedding.  That's a huge step up in life.

I was initially thinking it would be nice if the LW can contribute something, to show support.  But not with the attitude this couple has.

That's really the bottom line.  They already don't have as much as they would like saved for retirement.  Some of that because they chose to help their children when they became young adults.  They need the rest of their savings for their retirement.

banana468

It makes me wonder if the son is forgetting how much was previously given to him is he also over-spending to fulfill this desire that is starting to diverge towards fantasy.  

Sometimes people just can't have kids.  It's absolutely devastating and something to grieve but it doesn't become a charity or a need for everyone to put their own finances behind this desire.   

STARMOON44

Pursing surrogacy isn’t a fantasy/ it’s a legitimate medical treatment for infertility and depending on the reasons for infertility can be very successful. I agree that parents don’t need to help I just don’t think judging their choice to try and pursue it makes sense. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

Pursing surrogacy isn’t a fantasy/ it’s a legitimate medical treatment for infertility and depending on the reasons for infertility can be very successful. I agree that parents don’t need to help I just don’t think judging their choice to try and pursue it makes sense. 

In this specific instance, the son and DIL have a 2nd mortgage on their home and they maxed out credit cards.  I think they're living a financial fantasy that will catch up with them quickly while they pursue this because should all of this work they are still starting off in a deep financial hole.  That's the fantasy part.