Wedding Woes

Stop catering to Erin.

Dear Prudence,

I like to host gatherings at my house a few times a year—think, BBQs in the spring/summer and informal dinners in the colder months. My long-time friend “Erin” almost always attends. About one-and-a-half years ago, Erin, following a doctor’s advice, went on a slightly restrictive diet to see if it helped with some medical issues she was having. I had plans to host a dinner a few weeks after she began this, but I was happy to make accommodations. Then, in the weeks and months that followed, she began modifying this diet—adding back certain things and taking away others. I learned that this was not on the advice of the doctor, but rather, her own internet research.

I have had two more parties since, and for each one, I had to check with Erin to see what her latest “diet” was. Now, I plan to host again for a couple of weeks, and Erin, of course, has new restrictions—things like, she can’t eat certain vegetables because they cause inflammation. I’m about ready to tell Erin she has to bring her own food. This just seems absurd to me. She’s not getting actual medical advice anymore, she’s doing her own thing. I think I’ve already been more than understanding, but how much longer do I have to keep catering to Erin’s imaginary needs?

—What’s Next?

Re: Stop catering to Erin.

  • Well first off, I think it's completely fine for a person to figure out which foods work for them and which don't. That doesn't always need to be under the guidance of a doctor. I know which foods I can't tolerate but it took a lot of trial and error. 

    If you're that concerned, just tell her what's on the menu and suggest that she can bring something if the food you're serving doesn't work for her. 
  • Why can't you check in with Erin?  DH has done research at times to see what could and couldn't work and didn't always go to the doctor first because it's a great time when you have to go to the doctor to say, "Hey, what do you think of me cutting out this while maintaining a balanced diet?  All good?  Bill for $300 for your time?  Great!"  Or he can do research and cut out what may be an issue.  He did this in 2019 and went low FODMAP for 2 months and gradually phased food back in to see if the elimination made a difference.

    Why can't you just ask?  For people like DH it was an easy enough situation of knowing what veggies and spices to include or not include and he just ate around what wouldn't work. 
  • So you’d be fine adjusting the menu to her needs if they’re proscribed by a doctor but otherwise it’s too much? Sounds a little judgmental of how she’s managing her health rather than a frustration over the food. 

    That said- you can always send her a menu ahead of time and say you’re not offended if she needs to bring something else to dinner. Although unless her needs are SO SPECIFIC I feel like you should treat it like any other food sensitivity- be a gracious host and have something everyone can eat. 
  • LW, doctors don't know everything.  A LOT of people gain knowledge about conditions from online sources, websites, support groups, google, etc.  

    I need to know if Erin is asking LW to cater to their diet changes or if LW is being some sort of martyr.  Either way, LW doesn't have to cater to Erin.  But if I wanted someone to be comfortable coming to my home for my meal and I know they have dietary restrictions, I'd definitely try to have one or two things that were safe for them.  

    I get it, it's hard.  BIL is GF and navigating that has been interesting and educational. I use an app at the store to scan things if I'm unsure and BIL is totally in charge of his own limitations and will google if he's unsure.  I always joke that if I buy something that has hidden gluten that I wasn't trying to kill BIL 'today'.   
  • mrsconn23 said:

    I need to know if Erin is asking LW to cater to their diet changes or if LW is being some sort of martyr.  
    This is where I am.  If Erin is calling LW before parties and sharing the latest food restrictions, LW can welcome Erin to bring whatever food she likes that works for her.  However, if LW is choosing to accommodate every last need...maybe stop?  Erin can't be the only guest with an allergy or sensitivity, is LW truly catering to all of them?  
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2023
    mrsconn23 said:

    I need to know if Erin is asking LW to cater to their diet changes or if LW is being some sort of martyr.  
    100% this! Or making a mountain out of a molehill by taking matters into her own hands and its not even expected of her?
    edit; this is another “we would like a letter from the other perspective” situation.

  • If today's theme is letters from the other side, this sounds like the other side of every letter about "why do people assume my food sensitivities and restrictions are bullshit?" 
  • Eh I can kind of see both sides. I might live in an extra crunchy area but it is eye roll worthy how often people claim to be intolerant of something but then eat it somewhere else (once as a server I had someone yell at me that they were allergic to gluten and why would I bring bread to the table, then when I clarified no croutons on their salad they were upset and said they wanted them and croutons didn’t bother their stomach). If she’s phasing things out and doing elimination and gradually introducing that’s one thing, but if she’s claiming constantly that she’s deathly allergic followed by eating the thing the next week, that would get really old. I think LW can be kind and give her a heads up on what the menu will be. Constantly adjusting the menu must be exhausting. And basically everything else mrsconn said. 


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  • levioosa said:
    it is eye roll worthy how often people claim to be intolerant of something but then eat it somewhere else 
    LOL so we have someone at work who kept on telling us she couldn’t eat Mexican food because she was allergic to a spice they use. We never ordered Mexican food for a work lunch, despite it being a popular choice.
    Then I heard her on the phone telling someone she went to a Mexican place over the weekend with her friends.
    I swear she does it just to be difficult.

  • It sounds like LW won't even serve anything that Erin is avoiding at the moment. Honestly, i'd stop asking her. Just have a few options for ppl who are veg, GF, and you should be good. It's honestly not that hard to make sure there's SOMETHING everyone can eat even if they can't eat everything on the serving table. 
  • I do see the other side of it too and it can be really tiring to keep up with those on the next "Oh I am not eating this because I'm totally gluten intolerant and where are your waffle cones for the ice cream!?! "Can be really exhausting.  My gripe was towards the LW who was citing the doctor need when there are plenty of people who are just trying to figure out why they're constantly not feeling well 

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