Is the friendship worth giving the gift, or not?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

“Julia” and I have been friends and neighbors for over 30 years. We have celebrated each other highs and lows—I just don’t know how to handle this. Julia’s daughter recently got married. It was a surprise to everyone. We didn’t even know she was engaged and there was no wedding.

This hasn’t stopped Julia’s daughter from spamming us all with her bridal gift registry. It is all luxury items and the cheapest is $50. All in all, the whole thing is just tacky and tasteless. Julia has now been complaining and campaigning for her daughter’s gifts. It is a very uncomfortable topic for me. Julia has given my children gifts when they got married, but she was actually invited to the weddings. I sent a congratulations card, but I am not sending anything else. How do I talk to Julia about this when she brings it up?

—No Invite, No Gift

climbingsingle

It's definitely tacky that they're essentially begging for gifts. But if there was no wedding, it's not like you were left off of the invite list? If she's a good friend, send her daughter the cheapest give she registered for. 

banana468

I feel like this is a bit of an ESH and LW is looking for a reason to be spiteful.  You've been friends with this person for 30 years and her kid celebrated a major milestone to which you weren't invited.  Look at it this way - if you WERE invited and couldn't attend would you have sent a gift?  Then do it and throw out the rickety soap box that hardly supports your cause.

banana468

climbingsingle said:

It's definitely tacky that they're essentially begging for gifts. But if there was no wedding, it's not like you were left off of the invite list? If she's a good friend, send her daughter the cheapest give she registered for. 

Or just float a gift card to the place!  I'll also be honest that while we don't know everyone's budgets a $50 item isn't now what it used to be.  Find the $50 that's a good value at that budget or just throw a $50 GC to them. 

charlotte989875

Why not give her a gift card or cash? You’re weren’t excluded from the wedding because there wasn’t one! And while gifts are never expected, and something you forgo by not having anyone at a ceremony, but this is a close friend. Send the daughter a gift card and ignore anything else that they send. 

mrsconn23

I'm just baffled as to why LW seems to hold Julia's daughter and this whole wedding mishegoss against them when she's been in their lives for 30 years.  She probably watched Julia's daughter grow up.

Julia may want her daughter to have gifts to hide her disappointment that there was no engagement or wedding lead-up, parties, etc.  You would think LW would know her friend better than this BS letter.  

'Etiquette' or things being 'proper' is the worst hill to die on LW.  Give the happy couple a few bucks and move the hell on. 

STARMOON44

I think you should just send a gift. Your kids got gifts so should hers, and move on. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I'm just baffled as to why LW seems to hold Julia's daughter and this whole wedding mishegoss against them when she's been in their lives for 30 years.  She probably watched Julia's daughter grow up.

Julia may want her daughter to have gifts to hide her disappointment that there was no engagement or wedding lead-up, parties, etc.  You would think LW would know her friend better than this BS letter.  

'Etiquette' or things being 'proper' is the worst hill to die on LW.  Give the happy couple a few bucks and move the hell on. 

Exactly!  

Side note: this is a conversation type I have with my 12 yo.  It's not about being "right" if you piss everyone off in the process.