You have to come from a place of concern, not judgment.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend has been going through a slow-moving train crash at work, a crisis drawn out over more than a year that has left her jittery, weepy, and on edge. It’s really hard to encapsulate just how awful this period of her life has been, but she has been working more than 100 hours per week for months, bursts into tears spontaneously, is clearly burned out, and just keeps grinding on to “save” her team (most of whom have already been fired), her projects (all but one has been shelved), and to try deliver on commitments she has made to customers and businesses she has partnered with. I have begged her to ease back and get some help, but she has shut me down completely and instead decided that what she really needed was “a new challenge,” which translates into a course and a literal team coding challenge event over several weeks, adding an extra 30 hours of course and teamwork to an already impossible week. I’m at my wit’s end: How do you persuade somebody who can never take their foot off the pedal to just stop the insanity? In full disclosure, I went through something similar more than a decade ago and it only ended with a suicide attempt that very nearly succeeded and for which she has never quite forgiven me. I am terrified and she keeps insisting, “I am not you, I do not JUST GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET HARD!” It hurts.

—On the Edge

banana468

Be clear to her that you're concerned for her.  Her reaction may not be yours but also talk to her about how you SEE her and see how she's feeling rather than whether or not you're measuring her by some kind of professional success. 

charlotte989875

There’s a lot here- it sounds like she’s trying to hold on to a job that is rapidly moving toward elimination in an uncertain economic climate. That’s not unreasonable, even if her response might be. 

But it also sounds like you’re putting your own experience with burnout on her and that’s not fair either. Sit with your own feelings about what’s happening a bit and figure out if you’re truly, purely concerned for her well being- if so be able to explain why. And if there’s some part of you that is assuming what happened to you will happen to her figure out a way to recognize she’s her own person. 

Once you can do that- set up some time with her to talk. Plan it in advance, do not spring it on or try to talk when she’s coming off a 12 hour day. Sit down and ask her how she’s feeling, how you can support her. Explain why you’re concerned and give her space to think and respond. You’re all on edge but acting only on those emotions isn’t going to help. 

MyNameIsNot

Wait, is I am terrified and she keeps insisting, “I am not you, I do not JUST GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET HARD!” It hurts. how she is couching LW's suicide attempt?

To me, that's past the point of no return. 

levioosa

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, is I am terrified and she keeps insisting, “I am not you, I do not JUST GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET HARD!” It hurts. how she is couching LW's suicide attempt?

To me, that's past the point of no return. 

Yeahhhh…regardless of how stressed she is that is a shit partner and a shit thing to say. 

VarunaTT

I think LW was doing all the stuff other people have written about and then partner lashed out b/c they think LW is right and don't want to admit it or change in a healthy manner.  I don't have much advice for LW except they have to decide for themselves how long they want to live with this.

K did something really similar to me and honestly, that was probably the point of no return.  I spoke a bit about the heart wrenching journey with my community service.  When I finally resigned all of the positions, I was very literally lost in my life; I had no idea what to do with myself or really who I was anymore, if I wasn't those leadership positions anymore.  K was having some difficulty in roller derby.  I hadn't offered up anyting other than a shoulder to cry on, when they bust out with, "I can't quit it, b/c I don't want to end up like you."  I was just stunned and sat there.  I basically ignored the red flag after that, but it sticks in my mind as the close to the beginning of the end.

banana468

Comments like that gut me.  I lost a cousin to suicide.  He had long battled with depression and alcohol was the vice of choice.  After a particularly rough night his then fiance told him "why don't you finish what you started," and he did. 

levioosa

banana468 said:

Comments like that gut me.  I lost a cousin to suicide.  He had long battled with depression and alcohol was the vice of choice.  After a particularly rough night his then fiance told him "why don't you finish what you started," and he did. 

I’m so sorry banana.

banana468

levioosa said:

banana468 said:

Comments like that gut me.  I lost a cousin to suicide.  He had long battled with depression and alcohol was the vice of choice.  After a particularly rough night his then fiance told him "why don't you finish what you started," and he did. 

I’m so sorry banana.

It was a rough time for the family.  I only found out about what was said because my aunt elaborated at the table after the funeral.  

Suicide and any attempts aren't anything to trivialize or call "quitting".  

And thanks!  I think it's a wound in the family that may always be open but perhaps not nearly as new?  His son is about to be a dad and I think that's a ray of light.