Dear Prudence,
Last year, my younger daughter graduated college and got married, and I drove cross country to attend both, which necessitated about a two-month stay. And it was pretty disastrous. I drove because I had to bring my very sweet dog with me, as a two-month board was out of the question, for both financial and humane reasons. I thought I’d be staying at least some of the time with a variety of family members, thereby not outstaying my welcome with any particular relative, but it didn’t work out like that. My sister has cats and couldn’t accommodate my dog, my older daughter got angry at me (still unsure why) and told me I wasn’t welcome to visit her. My younger daughter (the bride) decided it would be too much to have both her and my dog at their small house. Which left my elderly mother, who I love but who drives me nuts with her hovering and general interference in anything I do (she instructed me on how to cut tomatoes, how to stir soup, how to buy a metro ticket, how to hang a towel, etc., etc., all totally enraging). I stayed with my abusive and alcoholic elderly father while his wife was out of town, as he’d recently taken a couple of falls and I thought he wasn’t safe on his own. And I was in familial hell. My mother flipped out on me when I told her, exasperated, that I wasn’t going to whip out my phone and provide exact details on a train reservation just because she believed I would miss the train (I wouldn’t have). My father bought me a car and then demanded I give it to him days later (saw that one coming) while insisting I was some kind of loser because I retired early on a small fixed income. Add to this the financial stress of traveling, some drama with a short-term tenant I’d rented my house to, and a very good friend getting very ill and dying unexpectedly while I was away from home. Oh yeah, and I made the wedding cake for 150 people as well.
In short, the trip was emotionally harrowing. I lost 15 pounds, and nearly lost my sanity, but the wedding went off without a hitch. It was a beautiful day, everything my daughter and her husband hoped for. Here’s the problem. I wasn’t acknowledged at all at the wedding. And I mean at all. No dance with my son-in-law, no acknowledgement of the cake, no mention in the toasts. I spent so much time setting up and dressing the dinner tables that I didn’t get to spend more than a few minutes with my daughter as she got ready, and a guest walked up to my sister (who instead of helping me did hang out with the bridal party) to congratulate her on “her” daughter’s wedding. My sister didn’t correct her. I was standing a few feet away and introduced myself. My daughter later told me, in so many words, that she blamed me for being stressed out and for the difficulty of the stay. I didn’t defend myself because it was over, the wedding was perfect, and I just wanted to get home. But a year later I’m still quite hurt. I’m 3000 miles away, living a happy life, but every time I think of the wedding I feel sad and misunderstood and vilified. And I don’t know what to say to her about it, or even if I should say anything at all. Any advice?
—Invisible MOB