Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, I asked my uncle to teach me how to whittle/carve over FaceTime. When I showed no aptitude for carving, it morphed into a weekly low-pressure, lovely catch up session we both enjoyed. This all changed when my uncle invited my father, his brother, to join us. I have a good but not-easy relationship with my dad that I navigate by carefully choosing what I share with him. He now attends every week, and what was a low-pressure outlet has become the opposite. I skip out a lot. When I do attend, I’m subjected to comments on my appearance, interrogations on my job situation, and my very favorite: My dad always working a celebrity I once loved who has since revealed devastatingly problematic beliefs, and who my dad still admires, into the conversation. My dad absolutely knows my feelings about this person are painful, but seems unable to help himself. I just smile and nod and give the least detailed answers I can.
I no longer enjoy these FaceTimes. I feel terrible for my uncle, who is very kind, very close to my dad, and who may or may not understand why I so often opt out of the weekly meetup. I call my dad every week or two to catch up outside of these FaceTimes, so it’s not like this is the only way we connect. My relationship with my father is at an equilibrium I can live with, and he’s at an age where I no longer really expect changes in his behavior, only in how I choose to deal with him. I’m not sure what to do here, though. Keep my appearances rare, as I’ve been doing? End the FaceTimes all together? Tell my uncle the truth in confidence—even though from history, I know he’ll still likely pass what I say on to his brother? I can’t think of a single good way to get my very sensitive dad to stop attending these FaceTimes. Honestly, even hinting that his behavior is difficult would damage our relationship. I hate attending, but I also hate hurting my uncle’s feelings by bailing so often. What should I do?
—My Father Who Art on Facetime