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Wedding Woes
ei34
member
WWWWD?
ei34
member
in Wedding Woes
In lieu of Prudie, a what would you do, featuring me, I guess the villain in the Prudie letters?
I can handle if you call me a huge AH, maybe I am one. Let me know.
In late Sept a local mom was diagnosed with cancer. I know her vaguely and signed up for her family's meal train, I've been dropping off dinner once each week. Her oldest two kids are the same ages as mine, they've never been in the same classes but know of each other casually through things like soccer clinics, grade-wide field trips, etc. A few weeks ago the mom texted me saying an appointment was running late, could her oldest daughter ride the bus home with my kids and stay with us for a couple of hours, I said yes of course.
Since then she's sent her daughter home with my kids eight times, most recently yesterday. There's always a text, "tag ur it!" late in the day, around when I am getting home from work, and poof, I've acquired an extra kid. We're fairly busy after school, so far the daughter has accompanied us to boy scouts, the waiting room in the counseling office, the pool for swim team tryouts, soccer, softball, the grocery store for a quick last minute item. Mom acquaintance says that's fine, her daughter can go along for the ride, but it can't be a ton of fun? My kids just fit in the back of my car (Honda CRV) with their booster seats and three seat belts, when she’s with us I take out the boosters and they go two to a seatbelt, which isn’t ideal.
Making it trickier (and maybe it makes me an even bigger AH than you already thought^) is the daughter is autistic. My kids have gotten to the age where they don't need me facilitating play dates or watching them play. The daughter does require adult supervision at all times. She has a lot of food sensitivities that I'm often not prepared for since her visits are last minute, so she kind of just runs around when we sit for dinner. She tore the house apart 3x during the time of day when the kids are sitting at the kitchen table doing their homework while I help them/make dinner and kids were annoyed at me for making them help clean up.
What is irksome is the mom acquaintance has taken to texting me saying that her daughter says my younger DD is her best friend, this is so great, lets foster this friendship, they're inseparable at school, they should be inseparable outside of school, etc. I don't doubt that the daughter feels like DD is her best friend, but I know for a fact that they are in different classes and have different lunch and recess periods and don't spend time together at school, so I don't love the exaggerations. Mom acquaintance has a husband with good FMLA, a retired-but-in-good-health mother who lives locally, and a baby-sitter (all things she has told me). If she didn't have help I would be more willing but at this point it’s play dates and socialization she’s wanting. My kids don’t even get play dates with their chosen friends as often as they’d like, much less three weekdays per week.
In late Sept a local mom was diagnosed with cancer. I know her vaguely and signed up for her family's meal train, I've been dropping off dinner once each week. Her oldest two kids are the same ages as mine, they've never been in the same classes but know of each other casually through things like soccer clinics, grade-wide field trips, etc. A few weeks ago the mom texted me saying an appointment was running late, could her oldest daughter ride the bus home with my kids and stay with us for a couple of hours, I said yes of course.
Since then she's sent her daughter home with my kids eight times, most recently yesterday. There's always a text, "tag ur it!" late in the day, around when I am getting home from work, and poof, I've acquired an extra kid. We're fairly busy after school, so far the daughter has accompanied us to boy scouts, the waiting room in the counseling office, the pool for swim team tryouts, soccer, softball, the grocery store for a quick last minute item. Mom acquaintance says that's fine, her daughter can go along for the ride, but it can't be a ton of fun? My kids just fit in the back of my car (Honda CRV) with their booster seats and three seat belts, when she’s with us I take out the boosters and they go two to a seatbelt, which isn’t ideal.
Making it trickier (and maybe it makes me an even bigger AH than you already thought^) is the daughter is autistic. My kids have gotten to the age where they don't need me facilitating play dates or watching them play. The daughter does require adult supervision at all times. She has a lot of food sensitivities that I'm often not prepared for since her visits are last minute, so she kind of just runs around when we sit for dinner. She tore the house apart 3x during the time of day when the kids are sitting at the kitchen table doing their homework while I help them/make dinner and kids were annoyed at me for making them help clean up.
What is irksome is the mom acquaintance has taken to texting me saying that her daughter says my younger DD is her best friend, this is so great, lets foster this friendship, they're inseparable at school, they should be inseparable outside of school, etc. I don't doubt that the daughter feels like DD is her best friend, but I know for a fact that they are in different classes and have different lunch and recess periods and don't spend time together at school, so I don't love the exaggerations. Mom acquaintance has a husband with good FMLA, a retired-but-in-good-health mother who lives locally, and a baby-sitter (all things she has told me). If she didn't have help I would be more willing but at this point it’s play dates and socialization she’s wanting. My kids don’t even get play dates with their chosen friends as often as they’d like, much less three weekdays per week.
I'm trying to raise my kids to be aware and accepting of neurodiversity / tolerant of all, so I obviously feel like a huge hypocrite. Do I suck up and let it continue? Set a boundary? If so, what kind of boundary? Maybe one playdate per month? Or even a set day each week where she can come back with us? The daughter does not get homework and isn’t in activities, so afternoons look different from my kids’, but I could work around that? Would love some outside perspective. And again, I can handle if you think I’m awful, as I don’t have cancer and am not putting myself in the mom acquaintance’s shoes.
Re: WWWWD?
I think I'd start at the friendship dynamic with your kids. How do they honestly feel about the girl? That's part of where I'd start.
From there I think you also need to advise if there's significant strain that you're facing. You have active kids with their own activities but also their own stuff going on. A child who needs to see a counselor needs that for her mental health. That's also something to keep in mind as well.
I guess my point is that I'd start off trying to peel back the layers of that onion with your own kids. Is this starting to feel more like they're watching her rather than her friend?
From there, I think you may need to push back and tell the mom that you need to limit the visits to a quantity that seems to work for you and the kids and ones that are also announced.
After the last few months I'm a big believer that you don't need to be going through cancer in order to have your own stressors, priorities or needs of your family to attend to. It obviously takes a village but that means that one household can't be the village.
FWIW, there's a not nearly as stressful situation that's come up with Chiquita's group and a girl who is very nice but her mom doesn't drive so they're constantly in need of a ride. That turned into the ride drivers being asked to do errands on the way, assumptions that they'd always drive to all the meetings and feeling like they were on call - all without the offer of any money or gift in return for these favors.
Point being: I think you can start to push back because you can also need to look out for yourself.
I think you know that she's taking advantage of you, but you feel too guilty because of the cancer, but that's not fair to you and it's not fair to your kids. Have you given any thought to what you're teaching your own kids about boundaries and how to balance their own needs? Especially with all the BS with their dad, it might be really good for them to see you prioritize your own needs.
As far as where to draw the line, this mom is absolutely a take a mile person, so I wouldn't give her any opening. I would tell her that you can't provide after school childcare for her anymore and she'll need to make other arrangements, and leave it there. But I am actually an asshole.
Then again, it sounds like she NEVER offers to pick up your daughter and have her go over to their house after school. Maybe I'm being unfair because I obviously don't know how severe/draining her cancer is, but still. Plus she has a spouse to help and make this a little more reciprocal. You may not even want any of that, lol. But she should at least offer.
Also, picking up can be an emergency, "oh no! I have a flat tire". But the daughter hanging out for a few hours is generally not.
You're NTA to need to set boundaries on this. Like you said, you first agreed to do this in an emergency. But now it's morphed into a regular expectation and that's not fair.
I don't have any children so take my opinion with that caveat, lol. But I would have a discussion with her that puts some boundaries in place. Something like, "I don't mind picking up (daughter) from school occasionally when it's truly an emergency. But lately it has become too frequent and I need to curb that. It makes some of my evenings a lot more difficult when I already have things scheduled and unexpectedly have to drag your daughter along to my kids' activities."
Then explain your boundaries. Whether that is your Wednesdays are freer when she needs help and/or planning for 1-2 days/month where the daughter will go home with you all.
I say this and...I rarely do it myself but I'm working on it.
Thanks everyone. You all had me pumped to text her today, offering one playdate per month and weekdays on a true emergency basis only. But I just received an update on the meal train email that she had a PET scan this morning, and the cancer has spread to her spine, liver and hip. So I might hold off a day or two to let her absorb the news. I definitely struggle with guilt feeling obligated, but have to put my kids' best interest first. Thanks again for weighing in, I really felt like a jerk.