Big sister is a jerk

Casadena

My older sister can’t be on time to things we make plans for. That, or she changes the plans, like bringing other people along, or changing locales after we’ve made a decision. She’s always been like this. I’ve seen it from the other side, too—she changes plans when it’s convenient to her, and considers herself “very flexible.” She’s also a wonderful person. Thing is, I have an extremely different temperament. I’m not Type A, but I am focused and have OCD (diagnosed). I like to know plans (time, place, people), I like to be on time, and I like discussion to happen before things are set (instead of changing things on a whim after plans have been decided on). I know this seems like a boundary issue—it is—but it’s more than that, too.

Every time I bring it up to her, she has extremely valid reasons (we both struggle with depression, and had a major death in the family recently), but it’s just so frequent that I know it’s more than just the coincidence of major crises. She has called me “inflexible,” which is hurtful to me, since I try to be accommodating and understanding (to a point). It affects my kids, too—they get excited to see her, and I try not to get their hopes up, but every single time I think things are finally OK for a visit (I live in a city and she lives 50 miles south), something happens and lateness or plans-changing occurs. It’s just super-stressful, but I can’t end the relationship, and I can’t easily uphold boundaries. How do I maintain a reasonably close relationship with someone who can’t see past her own convenience and issues to meet the needs of a situation?

—My Boundaries Have Too Many Stretch Marks

charlotte989875

She’s not flexible she’s inconsiderate. 

You have to get more comfortable enforcing your boundaries. If you’re not filling to wait hours for her to show somewhere tell her that you’ll meet at the agreed upon time and if she’s not there you’ll do whatever without her. If she doesn’t show, or is late, stop waiting for her and do whatever you were going to do. 

Or sucks she’s bailing your kids maybe you stop telling them you’ll see her. Do a “we may see Aunt AH, we may not but we’re going to have fun at the park anyway”. 

You can’t change her, but you can change how you react to her behavior. 

banana468

Be clear, "Sis these are the requirements that I have.  I need you to respect this because you understand  what it is to struggle with mental health issues too."   If she can't respect that then start to maintain your distance. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

She’s not flexible she’s inconsiderate. 

You have to get more comfortable enforcing your boundaries. If you’re not filling to wait hours for her to show somewhere tell her that you’ll meet at the agreed upon time and if she’s not there you’ll do whatever without her. If she doesn’t show, or is late, stop waiting for her and do whatever you were going to do. 

Or sucks she’s bailing your kids maybe you stop telling them you’ll see her. Do a “we may see Aunt AH, we may not but we’re going to have fun at the park anyway”. 

You can’t change her, but you can change how you react to her behavior. 

I think that's really the key.

Or always keep the visits more casual.  Like the sister is going to come over to the house to hang out for the day at noon.  But then doesn't show up until 3:00.  Oh well.  But no loss for the LW, other than less time for them and the kids to spend with the sister.

It's sad the sister can't be...oh the irony...more flexible in how she handles her set plans considering the LW's medical condition.  But she's made it clear she won't, so the LW needs to do what they can so that the sister is more an add-on to plans, where it hopefully won't affect their condition as much.