Dear Prudence,
It’s taken me 30 years of life to realize I view all relationships as transactional by nature.
Maybe I’m mistaking what is an expected rubber banding between give and take, but even as a child, I always kept a counter on what I had done for loved ones because I feared if I didn’t consciously keep it in balance, I would “use up” someone’s reserves and turn their opinion against me. I used to employ gifts and other external motivations to feel socially secure (many a birthday party in my teens involved cash giveaways), but when I realized that could come across as tacky, I moved on to taking the role of rainy-day friend and avoided being emotionally indebted as much as possible. Few of my friendships have survived this imbalance; I’ve been nearly begging to rely on others, but I only trust the sentiment, not the follow through. Experience suggests people allow others to lean on them to have someone to lean on in return, and if they didn’t fear losing that support, they wouldn’t offer their own. It is a burden, in the end. How do I get out of this mindset, that relationships are all just exchanges of obligations to fulfill needs? I don’t know how to even begin.
—Cynical