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Casadena

Dear Prudence,

Could you please give me a script for kindly and lovingly rebuffing alarmist messages sent by anxious parents? I’ve lived in New York City for the past decade and love it. My parents, however, worry constantly and express their fear by sending me alarming and triggering messages on a weekly basis. These can be all-caps emails with red text like “STAY INSIDE. IMPORTANT. TENSIONS ESCALATING” and or a check-in phone call that starts with my parents asking if I’ve heard about some horrible crime that occurred in the city. This has gotten worse in the past couple of years as a result of global events and an uptick in heavily biased news coverage. When this happens, I want to scream about how overwhelmed I already am and that I live in the city, so am fully aware of various risks, but I also want to respect that they’re just scared and may feel helpless and maybe even want to feel more connected. It could also be controlling and infantilizing. Ha!

As background, I’m struggling with my own mental health, but I don’t share much of this with my (divorced) parents since any vulnerability usually results in a well-intentioned onslaught of unsolicited advice. It’s exhausting, but I really do love them and hate knowing how much energy this takes from them, which is then passed on to me. In the past, I’ve alternated between telling them that this type of information is stressful and that I already know since I live here, but it continues. I’ve also tried not replying or replying nonchalantly, saying that XYZ is horrible but that I am grateful to be safe and will continue to do my best to stay safe. And still, it continues. I don’t want to make them feel stupid or misled for worrying, and I’d even be open to receiving their fear in a less intense way, but I don’t know where to go from here. Boundaries are not their strong suit.

—The World Is Beautiful

banana468

Boundaries may not be strong but you can also assert yourself that you've been OK for the last 10 years, will take their concerns into consideration but you do not intend to change because they're worried. 

I'm the child of a worrier.  My mom has a stack of clippings of covid articles and deaths.  She called me before we went to Disney in 2021, gets nervous when I fly for work and now does not drive and rarely wants to leave the house.  I have to tell her that I appreciate her concern but I'm not basing my decisions on whether or not she worries about them because if I did - I, too, would not leave my home. 

charlotte989875

Is ignoring it not an option? If they’re not going to change and they’re not responsive to feedback, just ignore the texts and live your life. 

VarunaTT

This is my mother.  She called me on Monday of this week to tell me about the weather were I was going, was it inside/outside, etc.  She was absolutely trying to subtly pressure me into canceling my plans.  This is nothing new, she does this all the time.  I learned a long time ago that I couldn't give into her.  I just tell her that I'm not worried and I bean dip her.  I do agree to text her when I leave on a trip, when I get where I'm going, and vice versa on the way home (one reason I do like her being able to text).  Otherwise, I just ignore it the best I can and remind her I'm an adult when it becomes overwhelming.

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

Is ignoring it not an option? If they’re not going to change and they’re not responsive to feedback, just ignore the texts and live your life. 

That should be the new rule they pass along to their parents.  If there is any alarming news in the text, they will just delete it without reading it or reading any further.

My mom was a huge worry wart when I was growing up.  But she calmed down considerably when I was in my early 20s.  Thank goodness!  Because there is a lot she could freak out about, including where I live.