Straight women at the gay bar

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

Lately, my friends and I notice that our local gay bar has been getting more and more straight women showing up. They’re not coming in for us, they’re coming in because they want a fun night out but without the pestilence of unsolicited attention by straight men. It would be fine if they kept to themselves, but when they come in with friends, they get drunk, and then they get loud, and then they get handsy, and suddenly us gays are the ones dealing with the pestilence of unsolicited attention. The gay bar is the one and only gay safe space in my neighborhood. It’s the only one we have. It’s the only place we can go where we know we can safely flirt with other guys and not end up getting stabbed to death in the alley a couple hours later, like happened to my friend John, or beat with a baseball bat like my friend Chris, or set upon by a truckload of homophobes like happened to my friend Michael. It’s our only safe space, and it’s now being invaded by straight women, and the men pursuing them will surely be soon to follow. What’s your advice for how to deal with them?

—Afraid of Losing My Space

CharmedPam

Excuse me because I live in a bubble, and not attractive enough to ever get “solicited” lol - but is being hit on by men THAT big of a problem?

banana468

I think you need to bring this to the attention of the management at the club to see if they can put out things like a PSA on social media and also ensure that there's enforcement.  I've had very limited experience going to gay bars (I've only been to one each for men and women) but it would be a huge turn off if a safe space felt invaded.   

charlotte989875

If you’re there often enough talk to the bartender or manager when it’s not super busy. They likely can’t keep all straight women out, but if they’re unruly, they’re bothering other patrons they can absolutely tell them their behavior is unacceptable and have them leave. Word will eventually spread that it’s not a place drunken bachelorette shenanigans are welcome. 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

I think you need to bring this to the attention of the management at the club to see if they can put out things like a PSA on social media and also ensure that there's enforcement.  I've had very limited experience going to gay bars (I've only been to one each for men and women) but it would be a huge turn off if a safe space felt invaded.   

A problem with that is the club really can't enforce only allowing one gender to come in.  Though they can certainly enforce asking drunk people causing a ruckus to leave or people repeatedly touching others without their permission to leave (I'm assuming this is what you mean).  But for the latter, the person being offended would need to complain to management and I doubt that is usually happening.

The club might even get in hot water for blatantly discouraging women to go on their official social media pages.  But men who go to the club could certainly complain about it on social media and respectfully ask women to leave the club alone.

My experience with gay clubs is relatively limited for obvious reasons.  I don't want to say that his worry about straight men starting to come to the club is unfounded, because maybe it isn't.  But that has never been my experience.  Straight guys generally speaking don't want to go to gay clubs.  Especially the kind of psychopath scum who would hurt a gay man.  And there are still plenty of women to hit on at all the other clubs.

For some NOLA party tips.  If you walk down Bourbon St. coming from the Canal St. direction, it is many clubs and bars on both sides.  Keep walking and at the very end of the "party zone", there are two gay clubs.  They have been gay clubs for decades.  Women go to them also.  Especially when they used to have male strippers on Fri.-Sat. nights.  If it's a night of club-hopping, you often just end up there because they're at the end.  I can't say nowadays.  But back in my clubbing days, it was always 10-20% women and 80-90% men who I assume were gay.  The guys were friendly and I never felt unwelcome.  And it most definitely has never morphed into a club where straight guys go to meet women.

STARMOON44

CharmedPam said:

Excuse me because I live in a bubble, and not attractive enough to ever get “solicited” lol - but is being hit on by men THAT big of a problem?

In a club or bar sure!

our local gay bar’s bouncer explains to groups of straights that this is a gay space designed for gays and you must be respectful if you come in, and then zero tolerance if you’re groping people or causing problems you are out. I also firmly believe the bartenders deliberately serve gay people first.  It’s not perfect but you can make a space less welcoming. 

MyNameIsNot

CharmedPam said:

Excuse me because I live in a bubble, and not attractive enough to ever get “solicited” lol - but is being hit on by men THAT big of a problem?

Yes, it can be. There are tons of examples of women who reject advances from men at bars and clubs who are later assaulted. Sure, not every guy who hits on you is going to turn out to be dangerous, but you can't tell which ones are. There's a reason there are a whole slew of things that women who go out a lot do to protect themselves, from "angel shots" to ruffie detecting nail polish. 

But that doesn't give these women the right to invade and destroy anyone else's safe space. Agree with the suggestion that LW and their friends start approaching club management about this. Some gay clubs do ban bachelorette parties, and they can certainly start cutting off drunks and ejecting people who get handsy. 

VarunaTT

I am incredibly rude to straight women at the gay bar who step outside their lane.  I've escorted a few out and my local favorite bar has banned bachelorette parties because of their behavior.  I was at a drag show one time where the host said something to a table of women, found out it was a bachelorette party and was floored, b/c they'd been behaving appropriately all night.  That's how bad the behavior is. (don't #notallwomen me, please). 

I don't think straight women should be coming en masse to gay bars, at all.  I'm fine if they're coming with another queer person, b/c then they have someone who can nudge them back into their lane or deal with them, but otherwise, they need to be taking care of their own spaces to make them safe, rather than invading ours and making them unsafe for us.  I also feel the same way about straight men who make scenes and that is terrifying.

banana468

Re: bachelorette parties I hated them.  DH and I used to love going to one of the local casinos to us pre-kids and they were a frequent destination for bachelorette parties.  As soon as we'd see the penis necklaces, light up tiara and head to tow white with platform shoes I'd hang my head and want to GTFO because they'd ruin the dynamic of our night out for drinks and live entertainment. 

levioosa

I absolutely love gay bars and they really feel like a safe space (minus the bartenders who try to kill me with triples as a normal pour, lol), but unfortunately as the queer in our group I’m the one who has to reign people in and sometimes make us leave if I think people are behaving badly. Tbh I know we appear to be in a heteronormative relationship, but I have way more fun when H and I go together because he’s respectful and isn’t a homophobic or inappropriate dickwad. Going with straight women is always just such a headache. One time I was with a group at a drag show and one of the women (not my friend, tbh she actually kind of crashed the bachelorette party and wasn’t even the bride’s friend) got up onto the stage and adjusted the queen’s corset mid act. I still don’t know how she (or the rest of the group by proxy) didn’t get kicked out. I felt sick to my stomach I was so embarrassed. We pulled her off the stage with a “what the ever loving fuck” and the rest of the night was awkward having her around. So sure, it’s a stereotype, but straight women have kind of earned it.