Dear Prudence,I’ve been friends with Darrel for a decade. In that time he’s made what I consider bad choices—dating the worst people (married, abusive, actual criminals), quitting every stable full-time job (he’s really smart and has no problem getting jobs in his field) because he prefers to work revolving part-time jobs (fine, but he has health problems and needs health insurance, which he can’t afford). He’s alienated the rest of our friends, and his family is dead. I try to be patient but honest if he asks for my opinion or advice. I have been trying to slowly step back from the friendship. The issue is holidays.
For years, I invited him to join my family dinners. It always goes…poorly. Think: He talked about sexual things with my elderly grandparents, he took a phone call from a hookup in the middle of dinner, he wouldn’t leave until 3 A.M., he got drunk and threw up on my lawn. Last year I sent him home with tons of leftovers because I knew he can’t always afford food, and he returned my containers unwashed and moldy months later. But he always raves about being invited and seems so grateful to have a family to share the holidays with. This year he is asking what time dinner is. I made an excuse for Thanksgiving, but I feel cornered about Christmas. It’s the spirit of the season, right? I should invite him because he’s a good person, and even if he wasn’t, he still deserves a meal, a little present, and to not be alone, right? If I don’t invite him, how can I not feel guilty about it? I’m afraid if I try to talk to him about being a bad guest he’ll feel attacked.
—Give Me Permission to Say No