I'm team your wife, sorry LW.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I are in our late 40s. Our two children are in middle school. My mom is elderly and divorced, and her health is declining. I think it would be best for her to move in with our family. That will be a much easier sell with my mother than hiring a stranger to help her or moving into an assisted living facility, and both those options are very expensive.

When I brought the topic up with my wife, she said absolutely not. I was surprised, because my mom and wife have always gotten along great. She told me she loves my mom but she’s not up for it. How can I convince my wife that I should take on my fair share of the caregiving for my mother?

–I’ll Do My Part

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I are in our late 40s. Our two children are in middle school. My mom is elderly and divorced, and her health is declining. I think it would be best for her to move in with our family. That will be a much easier sell with my mother than hiring a stranger to help her or moving into an assisted living facility, and both those options are very expensive.

When I brought the topic up with my wife, she said absolutely not. I was surprised, because my mom and wife have always gotten along great. She told me she loves my mom but she’s not up for it. How can I convince my wife that I should take on my fair share of the caregiving for my mother?

–I’ll Do My Part

What?? 

Have you talked to a care giver to see what is needed to have your mom in the house?  Have you talked to your wife about what that means to LIVE with someone vs. see them?  It's a major change.

Are you equipped with this?  If her health is declining to the point that she can't live alone what makes you think that you're a night time caregiver?

levioosa

LW is living in a fantasy land. Being a caregiver is life altering, and usually it’s life altering in a really bad way. If you do this without her okay just prepare yourself for divorce now. 

MyNameIsNot

Having an aging relative live with you is one of those things where if it's not an enthusiastic yes from all parties, it's a no. 

Stop trying to convince your wife and look for other options. Having mom live with you is not one. 

banana468

Also, after watching this in grand parents and now seeing our parents age, I can't think of a worse idea.   It's one thing if the thought was mutual and bring the older relative in who was in good condition.   But once you start to be in a position where you aren't able to live on your own you're telling me that you need extra care.  And I'm feeling like LW just has no clue.

short+sassy

There's a vast difference between "his wife loves his mom" and "bring an adult who needs care" into the house.

VarunaTT

**snort** wife said no b/c she doesn't want to be the caretaker for your mom, LW.  Read the room, even if you're "doing your part", your wife is going to get stuck doing some and she doesn't want to and that's okay.

mrsconn23

DH and I talk openly about how we are not ever moving our dads in with us because it would be like throwing a bomb into our marriage.  Hell, BIL was pretty easy to live with and fully functional and it was still stressful AF because it was another adult in our house all of the time.  

ANDPLUSALSO, y'all got kids that still need you.  I'd argue the highest needs time for kids to have present parents is in the middle school/HS years.  You need to know WTF your kids are up to and you won't if your mom is living with you and your marriage is imploding. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

DH and I talk openly about how we are not ever moving our dads in with us because it would be like throwing a bomb into our marriage.  Hell, BIL was pretty easy to live with and fully functional and it was still stressful AF because it was another adult in our house all of the time.  

ANDPLUSALSO, y'all got kids that still need you.  I'd argue the highest needs time for kids to have present parents is in the middle school/HS years.  You need to know WTF your kids are up to and you won't if your mom is living with you and your marriage is imploding. 

Yup.  I am not optimistic about just living in town with MIL and FIL as I see how MIL's health is changing to the point that she never felt up to attending one of Chiquita's soccer games in the last year.   Deteriorating health is fraught with frequent doctor appointments, hospitalizations, tests, etc.  And those then compete with the high activity level of the average teenager.  It would CRUSH my kids if the answer was that we weren't doing something because we had to stay home to take care of their grandmother or worse - I'm missing major events in their lives for it. 

charlotte989875

If by “doing your part” you mean quitting your job to be a full time caregiver then that’s one thing. But if you’re expecting to move your mom in and occasionally help out, while your wife takes on the burden of caring for an aging adult ALONG WITH your children then of course she’s saying no. This is so much work. 

Talk with your mom, her doctors, and any other family about the level of care she needs now and will likely need going forward. Get all the information you can and make a realistic plan because this isn’t it.