Leave.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My 12-year-old stepson is scaring me. He has violent outbursts over minor instances like losing a video game or being asked to clean his room. He has already wrecked his TV and Switch and left a dent in the wall when it wasn’t magically replaced. His mother can’t handle him anymore so he is with us 24/7. I am pregnant and a stay at home mom to a 3-year-old meaning, I am often left alone with my stepson while my husband is at work. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and waiting for his next outburst. Counseling isn’t helping, and last week he screamed in my face while I was holding my toddler because asked him to clean off his muddy shoes before coming in. My husband feels helpless. He says we can’t send his son away but the professional help we are getting isn’t enough. He is getting into fights at school and I am worried what is going to happen when he is expelled and home with me all day. I am honestly thinking of packing up and moving out of state to my mother’s until my husband has this handled but I know it will be the end of my marriage. Help please.

—Afraid

VarunaTT

Well, it sucks that this is the end of your marriage, but you are concerned with more than just your safety, you have a total of 3 people to worry about their safety.  Your husband needs to be pursuing more professional expertise and talking to the counselors at school to figure out what to do.  

banana468

Tell your H that the 12 yo needs major help and he's about to be financing it and his second ex wife. 

mrsconn23

Get out before your kids become victims of his rage and your H's impotence regarding doing the right thing for his entire family.  If you have an escape, take it.  This is unfixable unless your H makes a 180 today and even then, I'd recommend staying with your mom until  stepson is either managed by your H and several professionals or out of the house in a facility that can actually help him. 

short+sassy

I have a bit more sympathy than you all for the H.  It doesn't sound like the H is being blase about this.  He absolutely realizes his son is a problem, but disagrees about sending his son away.  Which let's face it, isn't a cheap or easy solution either.

With all that said, I do agree that the LW needs to leave.  She shouldn't wait for the violence to be brought onto her or, even worse, a toddler or baby.

I know it's an UO, but some people can't be saved and that might be this child. 

There was a heartbreaking story that happened locally a few years ago and highlights the abysmal system we have in our country for mental health.  This woman's son heard voices, sometimes violent, since he was a child.  Therapy and medications didn't really help him.  As he got older and bigger, sometimes he would hurt his mother and sister.  And he would be wracked with guilt when he was "lucid" again.

He grew up and became an adult, but couldn't live on his own.  He wanted help.  HIs mother wanted help.  But she certainly couldn't afford to put him in a private psychiatric facility.  He was on a waiting list for years to be put in a public one.  But there are only a couple in the whole state.  Many times during a violent episode, he would be put in an emergency facility.  But after 72 hours, they had to return him to his mother.

The voices increasingly told him to burn the house down.  He warned his mother and therapist.  One day, he told his mother he couldn't stop himself anymore and he was going to burn the house down.  He told her to leave.  When she wouldn't, he physically forced her out of the door and locked it.  He set the house on fire and died.

Nobody doubted he needed to be put in a psychiatric hospital for his safety and the safety of others.  But there was just nowhere for him to go.

VarunaTT

I don't not have sympathy for the H, but LW has got to protect herself, a 3 year old, and a yet to be unborn child.

I have 2 sets of friend that have had to give up one of their kids to the state for similar situations.  It was devastating to both couples, but they had other children and themselves to protect and didn't have the resources to help the kids.  It is definitely a travesty in this country, that we still haven't replaced mental health resources.

banana468

I agree it's probably very hard on the dad who has to both work to provide for the family and also is the one biologically related to the child creating so many problems. 

But realistically the LW needs to talk to him about a plan.  And she needs to say that she's leaving right now which can be temporary or it will be permanent with a divorce needed.  The son may need to be in a care facility short term.  And dad needs to talk to doctors to get that fixed and understood.

This may be a situation with medication, more care, or another alternative plan but the H has to be aggressively on board.

CharmedPam

I’d be leaving military school brochures on the table for H