Don't marry him.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been seeing a man who is nearly perfect for the past few months. The problem is I don’t find him attractive. At the same time, I’ve dated many jerks and realize he is a diamond. Aside from being intelligent and kind, he is also well-off, and I am an artist who is part-time employed at best. I’m 39, and a husband like him would allow me to pursue my artistic career and have children too, which I want. I feel affection for him but not romantic love—to be perfectly honest, if he hadn’t pursued me for a date with such zeal, I would have not given him the time of day. I’ve kept things casual but he wants to get more serious, even get married. I know my grandmother married for convenience, not love, and had a successful marriage that lasted 50 years. I’ve been seriously considering marrying this man, but when I told my best friend that I don’t really love him, she became very upset and essentially called me a gold digger.
I’m torn. On the one hand, I think we could be good companions and he would give me many of the things I crave, including stability and a family. But my friend says I would be preventing him from finding true love. I’ve been passionately in love before and I don’t know if that kind of love should be more important than long-term friendship and support. I also fear this opportunity won’t come up again. But I also don’t want to hurt him. Should I flat out refuse him if he brings up marriage again? Should I be practical and marry him?
—Love or Money
Re: Don't marry him.
I think LW needs to be real sure about what this person wants in their marriage and real sure they can provide that, b/c if they're treating it like a contract/business deal, then they have to pony up their stuffs too.
It shouldn't be all "taking" of course, but I'm not getting that impression. It sounds like they are emotionally compatible. She does like and care about him.
The only thing giving me pause is that she isn't attracted to him. But to me, that would depend on what "level" it is. If he repulses her and she can't stand to have him touch her, then no. Super bad idea to marry him. But if she's attracted enough that she can be affectionate and have sex with him, they could have a happy marriage. Even if it isn't a Disney fairy tale.
But LW, you need to lay this all out for him in very clear terms. If you can't do that, you need to walk away. You can't pretend to be in love with him to get what you want.
WTG on the friend for being honest - wonder if they're single and potentially a better prospect than LW... LW needs to give this man the dignity of being his greatest cheerleader of all time to find someone who will love and appreciate him as an individual and not his bank account. The immaturity of wanting to be an artist but not doing art people willingly pay for so you can do the art you want speaks to will the LW to hold up her part of the arrangement. Is the guy even interested in kids?!?! His definition of getting serious and talking about marriage could be an entirely different viewpoint from LW's!!