Don't dwell on the past, just go forward with more intention.
Dear Prudence,
I have realized in recent years that a lot of my family has chosen fun things at the expense of my and others’ comfort. My mom will sometimes talk me into volunteering under the guise of “that’s what you do for people you care about,” only to back out at the last minute to do something more fun, leaving the task to be harder for me than it would have been. My sister is constantly flitting from place to place and expects us to take care of things she couldn’t because she’s gone. This last time, she left her dog with my mother. My mom expects me to help out with the very anxious dog and decided to leave me with him to go on a vacation. I had tentative plans for that weekend too, and when I mentioned that to my mother, all she said was “this is what you do for the family.”
The situation is complicated by the fact that I live with my mom; but I’m working on moving out, so I’m not looking for advice on that relationship. Once I leave, I can more easily set the boundaries I’ve wanted for years. My issue is that I think I’ve internalized the “fun above all else” tendency too. I have missed things that were somewhat important to friends because I decided I wanted to do something more fun (one was a friend’s wedding). I often put off confirming plans unless it’s something super fun. I try not to miss things that are important anymore, but if something more fun comes up, I will probably leave early. Some of my friends have made comments in passing about this, but I just don’t always like doing the things my friends like. My very close friends are much more introverted than me. I like going out on the weekends. If one of my close friends was ever truly in trouble, I’m always there, but I’m now starting to feel bad that I’m also not socially there for some of my friends. At the same time, you only live once, and I don’t want to regret going out while I still can. Can you give me some kind of perspective on the issue?
—Not Such a Good Friend
Re: Don't dwell on the past, just go forward with more intention.
Seek a therapist. But I'd start but learning when to say no and also to maintain your commitments that you feel comfortable making.
So...you don't like how a pattern in your family makes you feel, but you're unwilling to stop it in yourself?
LW, get a grip. Make your choices, own them, and deal with consequences. Make better choices (like supporting the folx you call friends) and there won't be consequences.
They are also deluding themselves to say "if one of my friends was truly in trouble" they'd be there. While not "trouble", their one friend got married and they bailed out...probably at the last minute...because something more "fun" came along.
If they want to be a shitty person like their family, then own it. But already realize the people they know are saying the same things about them. And unlike family, will be more likely to disappear from their life because they're tired of dealing with a shitty friend.
your family isn’t the problem LW- you’re the same as them. Therapy, self-reflection, figure out why you’re so afraid of missing out on something “more fun” when you’re missing out on important things in your friends lives.