Stop framing it as 'moving on' to her for starters.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

A couple of months ago, my friend “Sonia” lost her friend “Maxine,” who passed away from an aggressive illness. Sonia was understandably upset and has been supported in her grief by family and friends, including me. I didn’t really know Maxine, so I have done my best to be the outer circle in the “grief out/support in” model. However, Sonia does not seem to be moving through her grief at all, and I’m struggling to remain empathetic. Sonia is still taking long stretches of time off work, crying non-stop, posting about how hard it is just to make it through each day, etc. I realize grief is very personal and there’s no “right” duration or intensity, but deep down I guess I feel like it’s over the top. I get that Sonia feels how she feels, but even Maxine’s own spouse isn’t behaving like this!

Every time I interact with Sonia, the focus is on her own feelings.  Conversations about other things inevitably come back to how she’s upset and struggling and nobody understands. When I gently suggested that maybe Sonia should see a counselor in case there was something bigger at play, she reacted really badly. Today, a close family member told Sonia she “needs to move on.” Sonia immediately reached out to tell me about it, saying she couldn’t believe anyone would say something so heartless and cruel. I found it hard to know how to respond because the truth is that I agree—she DOES need to move on. I don’t want to be unsupportive when a friend is clearly in a lot of pain, but I’m starting to dread having to see or talk to Sonia. What should I do?

—All Griefed Out

charlotte989875

Well telling her to move on certainly isn’t it. 

There’s no timeline on grief, and everyone experiences it differently m. However if it’s impacting her ability to function day to day it does sound like it’s time to get some additional support. Maybe instead of counseling suggest a support group- where she will find people who understand what she’s going through. If she scoffs at that, and every interaction still is about her grief, you can step back. Tell her you love and support her and you want to be there for her, but you feel she may need a level of support you can’t provide. 

short+sassy

I'm seeing two mistakes here by the LW and Sonia's family member.

The LW didn't just say Sonia should see a counselor.  She qualified with "in case there is something bigger at play".  Which implies that Sonia's extreme grief isn't just about Maxine.  While that may be true, it's also implying that her feelings aren't valid.

I understand exactly what the family member was saying, but how they said it was detrimental.

I also think that's a great idea to suggest a support group.  Especially since Sonia is complaining about no one understanding her.  But leave out any words that imply her feelings aren't real or rational.

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

Well telling her to move on certainly isn’t it. 

There’s no timeline on grief, and everyone experiences it differently m. However if it’s impacting her ability to function day to day it does sound like it’s time to get some additional support. Maybe instead of counseling suggest a support group- where she will find people who understand what she’s going through. If she scoffs at that, and every interaction still is about her grief, you can step back. Tell her you love and support her and you want to be there for her, but you feel she may need a level of support you can’t provide. 

All of this.  There's no timeline for what Sonia is dealing with but if it's starting to impact her ability to function then it's time to tell her that you really recommend that she talk to someone who is skilled with dealing with situations like this as a profession and talking about it in therapy and working to move forward does not diminish the relationship that they  had.