Comparison is the thief of joy. (Also, therapy)

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I know this is going to sound absurd, but I could use some advice around an issue with my best friend of 25 years. We’re both in our late 20s—I live alone and my friend Sarah lives with her husband. Every single time I go to her apartment it is completely spotless—she’s very minimalistic and her place is extremely clean and beautifully decorated. I know that I’m very messy. Every time I go to her place I feel terrible about myself. I know she doesn’t clean in preparation every time I come over because we live 10 minutes away from each other and both drop by last minute frequently. Sarah is a lovely person—she never comments on the mess at my apartment and comes over regularly.

This is solidly a “me” problem. I have moderate anxiety and ADHD, which I know contributes to my messiness. But what makes me feel even worse is that Sarah is significantly more mentally ill than I am. She has a severe form of bipolar and has been in and out of the hospital over the years, mainly due to psychosis episodes. And yet she keeps her place so clean! It’s not even just the neatness—she tells me a lot that her bipolar forces her to live a healthy lifestyle—she works full time, goes to the gym regularly, and just overall seems like more of an adult than I am. She’s done nothing wrong but I’m starting to get pretty resentful and have avoided visiting her lately. How do I get over this? It feels really irrational but I just feel bad every time I visit.

—Messy Mary

charlotte989875

This is a you problem, so try not to take it out on her. And also a little therapy as to why it bothers you so much. She’s not cleaning her house at you. 

banana468

Talk to a home organizer.  See what you can purge.  But the tidiness could be Sarah's own issues too.   Sometimes the way to deal with the mess is to not have the stuff to make the mess. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

This is a you problem, so try not to take it out on her. And also a little therapy as to why it bothers you so much. She’s not cleaning her house at you. 

LMAO at this!

I also agree with @banana468.  It's possible the always meticulous house is a sign of her mental illness.  Even if it isn't, if the LW thinks of it that way it might make them feel better.

I had an ex-b/f whose mom was like that and she wasn't mentally well in a few ways.  It always seemed to me like her excessive cleanliness was a symptom of that.  For example, she would vigorously scrub at non-existent spots on the kitchen counter.  She was obsessed with turning off lights to "save electricity", even if you were only leaving the room for a few minutes.  But would run the tiniest loads of laundry I have ever seen.  Like one washcloth and one dish towel.

levioosa

Yes to the title. Also I bet the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Sarah might feel absolutely trapped and resentful that to keep herself from spiraling she has to keep everything so structured. Keeping things so rigid is also its own kind of struggle. Excessive cleaning could also be a sign of mental illness on its own. But she’s not doing it to make you feel bad. 

MyNameIsNot

Meticulous cleanliness and minimalism can be a symptom of her own mental illnesses. Or if you're in tech, we call it a feature, not a bug. Maybe this is her coping.

We don't all have to live the same way. Some of us want to live like Sarah, but plenty of others would find it stifling and suffocating. Being tidy is not a sign of maturity or adulthood. If you want to live that way, sure get an organizer, do some purging and talk to Sarah for tips. It sounds to me like you think you're supposed to live that way, more than you really want to.