Talk to him about the future! It's OK!

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I (mid-20s) have been with my partner for over a year, and friends for longer. I’m smitten with him, but also feel so nicely comfortable, appreciated, and loved with him—more so than anyone. He feels similarly. As our lives become more enmeshed, I find myself thinking more and more about a potential future: marriage, maybe kids, the whole shebang. But it is not something we’re ready for, which I know and emphatically agree with. But I can’t help but fantasize about this potential future with him, and I want to stop. I believe that I am thinking too far ahead, becoming so focused on this potential future that I’m rushing the present, being a touch naive, and setting myself up for disappointment now and then.

I am a rational person, but have before been distracted by daydreams. While I would not be married at all costs, I’m familiar with the sting of wanting something that another does not, realize that my emotions can get the better of me, and recently realized that some kind of partnership like this does mean a lot to me. I love my partner. I do see a future and want to see a future together. When the time is right, I’d like these things with him. I just want to stop obsessing over it now. Any advice on how to do that?

charlotte989875

Have a conversation with him. Talk to him about what he sees for his life (is it marriage, kids), not in a “want to get married to me” kind of way but in a general sense. Figure out if you’re on the same page broadly. Because if you’re not you want to know now. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

Have a conversation with him. Talk to him about what he sees for his life (is it marriage, kids), not in a “want to get married to me” kind of way but in a general sense. Figure out if you’re on the same page broadly. Because if you’re not you want to know now. 

Definitely!  Hopefully they have already had this general conversation.

As for the obsessing on it, the LW should try a mental rubber band.  When they realize they are thinking about it again, "snap" themselves back to reality.  Have a bean dip phrase for themselves.  Like, "That would be nice if it happens someday.  I know it's too soon, " and immediately start thinking about something else.  If they keep rinsing/repeating that pattern, they should start thinking less about it with time.

banana468

Have the discussion!

In two weeks it'll be 20 years that I turned to DH and said, "Well I think I like you as more than a friend but I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now so can we see where this goes?"    That lead to more discussions of staying together, do we think we want the same things and then ultimately marriage.  

If you're going to have a relationship that works you need to talk about it. 

downtondiva

charlotte989875 said:

Have a conversation with him. Talk to him about what he sees for his life (is it marriage, kids), not in a “want to get married to me” kind of way but in a general sense. Figure out if you’re on the same page broadly. Because if you’re not you want to know now. 

Exactly. Being in your mid 20s and dating your partner for over a year, I'd say it's perfectly reasonable to want to know where your partner sees their life going and how that aligns with your own goals. There are certain things in a long-term relationship or marriage that you can't just agree to disagree on - you need a partner who wants the same things you want. Open the floor up for these discussions and take it from there.