You can't single Annie out without causing problems.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have three adult nieces. I struggled to stay connected to them since my sister died five years ago. I call, I text, I try to keep up with them on social media, but only “Annie” makes any real effort to stay connected to me. Her sisters will ignore me until it comes to spending money on them and their children. I know they have very busy lives, but a quick photo or text to say thank you or see the kids enjoying their toys doesn’t feel that much of an ask. I decided to cut back on the spending and just send Christmas cards instead of the usual gifts. This greatly upset my other two nieces and they called to complain about me ruining Christmas for their kids since they were having money troubles. Only Annie was gracious about it. Going forward I am only wanting to exchange gifts with Annie and put her alone in my will. I don’t want to cause any hard feelings among the girls, but I am tired of being taken advantage of here. What should I tell Annie?

—Only Aunt

charlotte989875

Eh, these are adult women who you can decide to send gifts to or not. I’m sure it will upset the other two but it’s not like you have a reciprocal relationship now. 

banana468

I don't think it's fair to leave it to Annie.  

But talk to the other nieces and be clear to them about how you're feeling. 

short+sassy

Of course it will cause hard feelings.  But the LW can certainly do what they want to and I understand why they feel the way they do.

Another option would be to bypass that generation and leave their estate split up equally to their grand nieces/nephews.

MyNameIsNot

They are adults. You can call Annie and let her know that you're only sending her a gift this year because you're not really in touch with her sisters anymore. Annie can keep it to herself if she has any sense.

The will is going to be a thing, but you'll be dead. Talk to an estate planning attorney; you might be able to do a trust or gift money during your lifetime without the sisters necessarily knowing, unless Annie wants to tell them.

short+sassy

MyNameIsNot said:

They are adults. You can call Annie and let her know that you're only sending her a gift this year because you're not really in touch with her sisters anymore. Annie can keep it to herself if she has any sense.

The will is going to be a thing, but you'll be dead. Talk to an estate planning attorney; you might be able to do a trust or gift money during your lifetime without the sisters necessarily knowing, unless Annie wants to tell them.

I'm sometimes really surprised at what people don't understand about estates and how important a will is.  I know very little about it myself, but feel like there is obvious stuff.

But the LW should definitely have a will if she doesn't want the two nieces to inherit.  Because if those are the closest relatives per heir order in her state. then those are the ladies equally inheriting her estate.

I have a friend who believes that if she dies without a will, the state will get her estate, since she doesn't have a spouse or children.  But she does have a father, sister, aunts, uncles, and tons of cousins.

I thought I was helping her by reassuring her this isn't how it works.  That it would probably be her father who inherited her estate and then her sister, if he was passed away.  She freaked out because apparently they are the last people she wants to leave anything to.  So then I stressed that made it even more important to have a will or they would.  But she kept insisting there is no way they could inherit anything from her because the state takes it, if there isn't a spouse or children.

I've given her the important info and what she chooses to do with it is up to her (shrug).  She's not a stupid person and has to know exactly what I am talking about in her heart of hearts.  But for whatever reason, she isn't ready to see an estate planner.  Death is a hard subject to think about.  Perhaps this illusion makes it easier for her to not feel rushed.