Instead of dropping the reins, you should lead the horse(s) to water.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have been in my stepkids’ lives for a decade. They are currently 19 and 17. I am tired of being screamed at for overstepping, only to be screamed at for not stepping up enough. I am the one pulling the mental load for the entire family, including their mother. Doctor appointments, dental appointments, teacher meetings—I was the one with the notebook and the calendar, reminding everyone to get their butts in gear.

I reached my breaking point when my stepdaughter and her mother both blamed me for not reminding them (again) about the due date for an internship she wanted. My stepdaughter is academically brilliant but completely scatterbrained, just like her mother. I can’t tell you how many times her mother has forgotten her rent was due and gotten late fees. My stepdaughter is a legal adult. She is in college. Her brother is set to graduate this spring. I told my husband to stick a fork in me, I was done. I will be pleasant to my stepkids when I see them and give them a gift card on holidays. I will worry about the child we have together and that is it. Problems with schoolwork? Ask your father. Trouble with college applications? Ask their mother. Need a ride/a meal/someone to fix the shower? You have a phone, Google it yourself (neither of my stepkids drives or wants to use the bus system).

My husband is upset with me and says it will get better. It has been a decade. Nothing has changed. I don’t need my stepkids to love me like a mother, but a little gratitude would be nice. I have been civil, but only courteous to my stepkids. They seem confused about why I am telling them to help themselves to the kitchen instead of asking what they want for dinner or I don’t immediately jump up when they ask me for something. I told them both that the internship incident showed me I needed to respect their boundaries. Here is me respecting their boundaries. It is honestly a weight off my shoulders. I have started going to the gym again and going out with friends. My neighbor and I switch over afternoon childcare so I actually have free time now. This is causing me friction in my marriage. I am just tired. Please help!

—Mental Load

STARMOON44

You should have gotten a divorce years ago. The problem isn’t the kids. It’s the useless lump you married who refuses to parent them 

MyNameIsNot

This is a husband problem. 

mrsconn23

Everyone is wrong here.   LW needs to own their part in creating all of these monsters by not having 'boundaries' earlier. 

They decided to just throw their hands up, without even having a conversation with their H.  I think he deserved at least that.  And not a, "OMG if your kids ask for one more thing, I'm going to lose it!" conversation, but a "I can no longer take on (list of things) for your kids and ex-wife and I am going to start pushing back." conversation. 

Again, instead of using words, a situation built to the point of explosion.  

short+sassy

This reminds me of the letter last week with the young adult stepkids who drop by and expect the LW to whip up a homecooked and hot meal.

Similar advice to that one.  The H sucks and needs to step up now.  The LW has put up boundaries and needs to stick to them.  Her "heads up" that she was no longer the calendar queen and there would be no more reminders could have been done better.  But it's out there now and her life has drastically improved, so that is the good news.

Hopefully she can get her H on board.  Rinse and repeat something like, "Look.  I have had the thankless job over the years of managing everyone's calendar.  But your kids are old enough now to do this themselves and I'm out.  They need to sink or swim and if you don't want them to sink, then the calendar and reminders are now your job."

charlotte989875

Everyone is wrong here. Mostly the husband. But LW is going from doing 100% of all the things to refusing to do anything. Not saying they’re not justified, they probably are, but it’s also not surprising everyone is confused because you haven’t said anything in 10 years. 

Have a real, calm, conversation with your husband about all that you’re doing for the adult children. Then come up with a plan together on how to handle it. If he still expects you do it all without a real conversation- then throw up your hands and let them figure it out.