Dear Prudence,
My youngest son (age 60) has been working in Germany off and on for the past 12 years. He’s been in a relationship with a German woman friend for about 10 years. I live in the States with my new wife of about three years. My son is making plans to retire somewhere. He and his friend came to visit us for several weeks. Before the visit, he cautioned me and my wife that his friend was “a little different.” My wife made a great effort to make the woman feel comfortable and hopefully feel as though she was a member of our family. It didn’t work! She made both my wife and I feel uncomfortable in our own home. She acted as if we were hosts of a B&B and repeatedly did things we considered rude and disrespectful.
Examples: 1) She often, without explanation, would decline to eat meals with us. Instead, she would sit in our living room reading or would stay in her bedroom doing whatever. She would secret food to their bedroom, moving the food to and from the bedroom while trying to hide it. We went out of our way to offer to provide/buy whatever food she might like to eat. She paid no attention to our offers. 2) She would frequently leave the house without comment for “walks.” 3) Our house has two water heaters. The heater supplying their end of the house had a problem. We offered to share our bath/shower as privately as possible. Alternatively, we offered to pay for lodging at any of the several local motels until the problem was fixed. Both ideas were rejected. She didn’t like the local motels because “their windows don’t open and they don’t have balconies.” She and my son left to find other lodgings without saying, “goodbye or go to hell!” They ended up getting accommodations in a city 90 minutes away. My son returned the next day to pick up personal items they’d left behind.
There’s more but you get the gist of our problem. When my son returned we had a sit-down talk with him (she wasn’t with him.) We told him his friend had “worn out her welcome” and we tried to explain why. He weakly defended her behavior. We insisted that we didn’t want to alienate him. They have return tickets to Germany next week. In the meanwhile, they’ve been bouncing around from one set of lodgings to another. They move primarily because she finds some problem with wherever they stay. I’d like to reach some type of “return to normal behavior.” My wife, however, feels deeply offended. My wife doubts that any form of apology would not result in any change in the woman’s behavior. I share her displeasure with this woman, but I don’t want to irretrievably damage my relationship with my son. Any suggestions/solutions?
—Some Folks Aren’t Good Guests