4 partners in the world

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

My girlfriend and I are queer. She quit her job because it was taking a toll on her mental health and I encouraged her because I make quite a bit of money at my job. That was nine months ago. Since then, my girlfriend has just taken to lying around the house and scrolling on social media. She doesn’t help with any of the housework and only walks our dog once in the afternoon (I take him out in the morning). I feel more like a single mother than a supportive partner. I am shouldering everything and getting my girlfriend to take out the trash or put up the dishes is like pulling teeth. She is talking to a therapist online, but I am at my breaking point here. We had a huge fight where she talked about wanting to stay home when we have kids. I told her if she couldn’t handle our home now, how would she deal with a baby? She locked me out of the bedroom and started to cry. I love her to death but things haven’t gotten better. They have only gotten worse. What do we do here?

—Got to Give

charlotte989875

Okay you were wrong for saying she should be handling the house, unless you both explicitly agreed that part of her quitting was taking on more/all of the household chores. Maybe you think it’s obvious but there should have been a conversation. 

That said you don’t have to stay with anyone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re in a partnership! If you’re feeling like her mother and not her partner, and she’s not interested or able to change, then it might be time to think about moving out. Talk with her. Tell her how you’re feeling. Listen to what she says, but if she’s perfectly happy with how things are and you’re not the relationship may have run it’s course. 

levioosa

I think it really depends on conversations they had in the beginning, and conversations they've had now. For example, H has been home since December. He was truly in a state of crisis then, so I gave him a couple months and didn't ask much. Now, he was incredibly productive at home because he has ADHD and is incapable of chill, but it wasn't until March? maybe April? That I had a conversation with him about things that would be helpful if he's at home. Of course, he isn't someone who is capable of sitting in one place on their phone without also doing other productive things (researching new home insurance, research for school, etc) and even then he can only sit for like an hour max, so this might be a very different view if H was at home scrolling on his phone all day while the house was a mess. 

short+sassy

I do not understand people who do this.  The LW needs to have a CTJ talk with their partner, but it needs to be after they have both calmed down.

I fully understand their anger because their partner is being incredibly selfish.  But the LW needs to put that aside for this conversation.  Talk about how they feel overburdened and that they need to discuss the division of responsibilities.  Without blaming, ask their partner about their mental health.  Maybe that is still a factor.

The LW should also think about what it is she wants before having this conversation.  Is she okay with the partner not working, as long as they take on more household chores and errands?  Or do they want their partner to start looking for a job?

The baby issue I'm sure wasn't said as nicely as it could have been.  But the LW is 100% right.  If their partner can't even manage to do basic household tasks, then they can't take on the huge amount of work that comes with a baby.

STARMOON44

You dump her. She’s a lazy entitled mooch and she’ll never change.