The cheese stands alone. LW, you are the cheese.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Recently, I invited my sister (Lana) and her family over for a large, social event. Without asking, Lana and my brother-in-law (Gary) drove off in my car and left their kids at my house. When they came back 1.5 hours later, I told them they needed to ask permission next time. Gary said he got my permission to both take the car and leave the kids with me. I stated that he had NOT asked, and my husband confirmed Gary didn’t ask him either. Lana apologized, we accepted, and Gary walked off without a word. Later, when Lana was in the restroom and my husband was outside, Gary called me a liar and an a**hole. I told him I wasn’t going to have this conversation with him, and I tried to walk away. He started yelling at me and blocked the doorway. One of my guests saw what was happening and intervened. I told Lana what happened, and she cut off the conversation immediately.

I haven’t heard from her since. Eventually, she’ll call and pretend nothing happened. This pattern has been going on for 15 years, and I’m 100 percent done. Gary will isolate and verbally harass me at family events or when I’m babysitting their kids. I’ve tolerated it to keep a relationship with my sister and niblings, but this recent event went too far. I told my parents that Gary was not welcome in my home, and I would not attend any family events if Gary was there (with the only exception being Christmas in my parents’ home). My parents were very supportive and understanding until I said I wouldn’t babysit for Lana anymore. Lana will notice, and I plan to be honest about why. My parents begged me to leave the reason unsaid. History has shown that Lana will villainize me and Gary’s behavior will not improve. Lana will undoubtedly cut me off if I maintain my boundaries. I’m honestly OK with that, but my parents have begged me to reconsider for their sake. They see no benefit in being honest because Lana and Gary won’t change, and it closes the door on any potential reconciliations. Are my parents, right? Is there no benefit to be gained by being honest? For the record, I am 100 percent certain that Gary is not abusing Lana or their kids.

—Honestly Will Burn It Down

ei34

I’m confused on the Lana not knowing why LW is done piece.  1) why does it matter and 2) how is it secret if Gary has been at this for 15 years?! Didn’t a guest just intervene at a recent party? Yelling isn’t quiet.  Completely stand with LW on the boundary by the way (and think that making an exception for Christmas at the parents’ home is overly kind), just curious as to why and how there’s a secret?

charlotte989875

Yah I also don’t get why it’s such a “secret”. Seems like everyone knows that Gary is TAH. You don’t need to point it out again but also follow through on your boundaries. Surely not babysitting anymore will be the bigger deal than the reason you’re not babysitting anymore no?

mrsconn23

They stole your car and he then berated you to the point that someone else had to step in?  And your sister blew it all off?  And now your parents want you to 'be cool' because Lana will cut you/them off?? 

It's hard being the only voice of reason, but at this point...it's time to go low to no contact with all of them.  

Also, how are you so sure he's not abusive to his wife and kids?  He's clearly fine being that way with you, so why would anyone else be spared? 

levioosa

This feels like the family is almost gaslighting LW. Of course everyone knows why. Someone taking my car without my permission would absolutely be the end of our relationship. Especially if it wasn't the first asshole move. 

MyNameIsNot

I would have called the police and CPS when Gary and Lara disappeared with my car and abandoned their kids. 

LW is being too nice here. 

Casadena

Is Lana ok? Someone who will go to this extent to defend or cover for a volatile jerk like Gary has my abuse alarm bells wringing. But that's not the question. Hold the line, don't babysit or whatever and don't see them socially. Leave the door open for your sister if she needs it.