This situation almost happened in a bubble, you both need a break/pass.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I agreed that we didn’t want to have kids. But last year, we said yes when someone in his family needed us as foster parents. I’d like to think that I was an OK foster mom: I made her my first priority and understood that our life was going to be organized around her. It turned out that her mom was in active addiction during pregnancy so she had more medical needs and troubles than most babies. It was not a radical or transformative experience with love, empathy, and bonding. It was an anxious, sleepless slog for a kid who needed it.

I felt like my husband passed the hardest parts off to me: all of the nighttime care, the daycare problems, the more painful doctor appointments, or the annoying social services bureaucracy. We fought about it but it never really got better. We only had her for six months but it was the longest six months ever.

My husband was heartbroken when it was time but I mostly felt relief when it was safe for her to return to her birth mom. Our monthly visits are perfect for me. We’d been together for 15 years and married for a decade but I suddenly saw all these cracks and selfishness within my husband that I’d never seen before. I’m still angry with him and I don’t know what to do—our marriage is back to feeling sweet and balanced but I can’t forget this nightmare experience. Part of me says this is a clue for how he’ll treat me badly if we grow old together and part of me says it was an experience we’d never had before and will never have again. What do I do here?

—Open Eyes

banana468

I think you can open to your H about how you perceive the tasks you took on as parent.  Maybe these are gendered roles he assumed and maybe he's not aware.  But if you harbor this resentment you may need to come up with a time to clear the air and say that you have a feeling of relief because you assumed a lot of the physical and mental care that was more than you felt equipped to handle and felt that you did a lot of it solo. 

MyNameIsNot

This is a topic for couple's counseling. It was a short-lived thing, but it's possible that this is a bigger indicator of how he will be if you need care in the future. It's a well established fact that men are far more likely to leave sick wives than the other way around; it's worth exploring. It's also worth working through before you develop resentment.

I'd also want to have some real conversations now about potential future with this kid. It's terribly common for drug addicts to have relapses over the years. What happens if this kid needs fostering again in the future? Maybe it will be different when she isn't a baby, but a kid who can understand what is happening will bring a whole other set of special challenges that will primarily fall on you. 

mrsconn23

Going from childless to taking in a helpless newborn that has addiction issues without the benefit of a pregnancy period and y'all seeing and you feeling your body changing is a mindfuck for even for the most stable people.  Also, sleep deprivation is an absolute bitch.  It sounds to me like he almost...shut down a little and was paralyzed by not knowing what to do.  I'm not saying it's right, but it's an explanation.  

Furthermore, I don't care how progressive, communicative, compatible, etc. y'all were before the baby came into the picture, breaking out of those norms/roles and the mental load being shifted onto the woman is very hard to break.  Even harder when you're under immense stress. 

The difference with growing older and/or if something were to befall you before then, is that you have been together a long time and know each other.  If he's caring, respectful, and your relationship is 'balanced' without the presence of this child, then it's literally a situation that happened in a vacuum.  But if you're worried about how this was handled by him and/or you as a couple, seeking a therapist isn't the worst idea.  

levioosa

Yes to all of the above. I also think this an example of how some people are great with each other in a relationship and choose to be child free, and that’s the right decision for them. Putting aside how much of a mind fuck all of this was, it probably solidifies the fact that while they’re a great team normally, kids would not have been a good idea for them. Maybe it has bearing with future care implications, or maybe this is one of those times where clearly being a parental figure really doesn’t suit the couple well, but on their own the relationship is perfectly fine.