Wedding Woes

If the kids are being loved and taken care of, there's nothing to say.

Dear Prudence,

I always knew my mom wanted more children, but she and my late father only had me. My dad died my senior year in high school and my mom took it very, very hard—especially since I was going out of state for school. So when she started dating “Paul,” I was happy even if it felt fast to me (they got married six months after dating).

Paul has two children that he is estranged from. Both got into drugs and did time in prison. Paul and my mom have had temporary custody of two of his grandchildren. My mom is over the moon because the kids have started calling her mommy. She refers to them as my siblings and pushes me to video chat with them.

This feels like a red flag to me. Even if it looks like the mother isn’t going to get her act together, my mother isn’t their mother, adoptive or otherwise right now. But my mother is going all in. I don’t want her to get hurt or hurt these kids if they have to leave. I just can’t find the right words. Can you help me?

—All In

Re: If the kids are being loved and taken care of, there's nothing to say.

  • Leave it alone.  
  • I understand the LW's concern.  But they are also downplaying the mother's role.  She isn't some random girlfriend.  She's the step-grandmother of these children.  They love her and feel close enough to her to call her "mommy".

    Everyone should be rooting for their mother to get off drugs, get out of prison, and be in a position to take custody of her children back.  Though that may not happen.

    But even if it does, she will still almost certainly be in the children's lives.
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  • You could gently ask her about guardianship or custody arrangements. Typically there's some sort of court placement even when the kids are with the grandparents. She may have more rights than you think. 

    It might also help to start thinking of these kids as your mother's grandkids rather than just Paul's. The timeline isn't really clear here, but I'm reading it that it's been at least a few years since mom married Paul. 
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