As terrible as the situation is, you may need to pick a 'side'.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have two friends who had a DEVASTATING falling out following the death of our third friend when we were all in college. Context: Friend one was having a horrendous fight with a male friend, and he died of a tragic accident before they could resolve it. He got a girlfriend shortly before he died, and they took completely different sides in the conflict. Ever since he passed, our friend group has been frozen in our positions on who was right and who was wrong.

Question: Even though it’s years later, Friend one and Girlfriend can’t be in the same room as one another. I care about them both and they mean so much to me, but EVERY TIME I plan a gathering I have to manage the guest list. I want to let go of this and just invite them both and count on them to decide for themselves whether to come or just be civil with one another. But I worry that doing that will make both feel unsafe and worried during an event that should just be fun. Lately, I’ve been planning two separate birthday parties and separate events for people who took different sides on the issue. But it’s exhausting. I feel like if I stop, it would mean picking a side. What should I do?

—Can’t We All Just Get Along?

short+sassy

This whole letter and we don't get hear what the fight was about and the two sides?  I'm feeling short-changed!

I feel like this is a situation where the LW now has two separate sets of mutual friends.  They should just hang out with them separately, but definitely no more of this throwing separate events stuff.  That's ridiculous.

If it's mainly just the two people who don't get along, I'd either invite neither or just one or the other.  And if one/both of them is hurt by that, it's too bad.  They're the ones that can't let go of a conflict that happened years ago.

charlotte989875

This is exhausting. It’s fine to have separate friend groups that don’t generally mix but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. If LW wanted to host an event where all the people know each other that should be fine. 

I think the LWs solution of hosting one event and let them figure it out like adults is the right one. If they can’t be civil for a night when seated at opposite ends of the table they can decline to attend. 

You’re welcome to pick a side but without knowing what the fight was about it’s hard to know which one to pick.