You either accept it or get a hotel.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been friends with a couple our entire married lives, about 25 years. When they bought their first house more than two decades ago, it was in an older part of town. Their house was small and crowded with beloved inherited pieces of furniture, books, and knick-knacks. It was also very dirty—greasy stove hood, mildew in the bathrooms, and dust and pet fur everywhere. I ascribed this to the older home having poor circulation and it being hard to keep up with the cleaning. These friends moved states five years ago.

We have visited them over long weekends in this newer home, which wasn’t as dirty, and I thought I had been correct about the old house being harder to keep clean. But now that they have been there for a while, this house is as dirty as their previous one. It has gotten to the point where we don’t want to stay with them, and we bring our own cleaning supplies for the bathroom to surreptitiously clean it. The best conversations always seem to happen spontaneously late at night and early in the morning, so staying in a hotel would lessen this closeness between our old friends. It is easier for us to travel to them, as they have a young teen and we are childless. Is there a way to gently help them keep their space clean, or do we have to give up on visiting them?

—Don’t Want to Sleep With Dust Bunnies

MyNameIsNot

Some people just aren't clean. Frankly, I'd be more concerned about eating there than using a dirty bathroom, but you do you. 

But you can change your mindset. I am a pretty clean person when we're at home, but when we camp, you just have to accept that dirt and filth is part of the experience. Maybe try to look at it like that. 

short+sassy

That was very generous of the LW to have chalked up the filthiness of the previous house to it being old, lol.  Air circulation can have some effect on how quickly things get dusty or mildewy again after cleaning.  But you can usually tell the difference between something that is rarely cleaned and some dust/fur that has settled into the last cleaning.  It also wouldn't matter for the stove hood.  Though at least the LW didn't mention the rest of the kitchen, so maybe it was okay overall.

Even for close friends, I don't think a cleaning talk will go over well.  It could mar the friendship and they aren't going to change their decades long cleaning habits, even if they totally agree with the LW.

Owning rentals, I have SEEN some things!  After one tenant moved out, there was a big splash of old, sticky soda adhered to one of the bedroom walls.  My guess is someone dropped a soda.  The liquid splattered on the wall.  But then instead of taking three minutes out of their day to wipe the soda off the wall, they just left it there!  A different tenant ruined the finish of the kitchen's backsplash because something acidic (probably tomato sauce) splattered on it and that wasn't wiped up either.

I've also been given back homes that didn't look like the tenant ever cleaned it.  But there's something about not even bothering to clean up a spill that really gets my goat.  It's zero effort and time, ffs!  WTF is wrong with some people?

mrsconn23

DH and I have learned a lot by staying in friend's homes.  One overarching thing we've learned, we prepare for guests like champs.  The dirtiest friends we have stayed with have the most means too. 

Anyway, my rule is that as long as the kitchen is being cleaned regularly and the bathroom is mostly wiped down, we're golden.  I can deal with someone else's clutter and dust.  

If LW can't suck it up, then it's time to get a hotel room.  You cannot tell someone how they need to maintain their house without it being super awkward. 

levioosa

short+sassy said:

That was very generous of the LW to have chalked up the filthiness of the previous house to it being old, lol.  Air circulation can have some effect on how quickly things get dusty or mildewy again after cleaning.  But you can usually tell the difference between something that is rarely cleaned and some dust/fur that has settled into the last cleaning.  It also wouldn't matter for the stove hood.  Though at least the LW didn't mention the rest of the kitchen, so maybe it was okay overall.

Even for close friends, I don't think a cleaning talk will go over well.  It could mar the friendship and they aren't going to change their decades long cleaning habits, even if they totally agree with the LW.

Owning rentals, I have SEEN some things!  After one tenant moved out, there was a big splash of old, sticky soda adhered to one of the bedroom walls.  My guess is someone dropped a soda.  The liquid splattered on the wall.  But then instead of taking three minutes out of their day to wipe the soda off the wall, they just left it there!  A different tenant ruined the finish of the kitchen's backsplash because something acidic (probably tomato sauce) splattered on it and that wasn't wiped up either.

I've also been given back homes that didn't look like the tenant ever cleaned it.  But there's something about not even bothering to clean up a spill that really gets my goat.  It's zero effort and time, ffs!  WTF is wrong with some people?

I didn't realize how bad it was until I moved out of my apartment and the landlord came in and visibly sighed a sigh of relief. "We've never had a tenant keep a place in such good condition! This is absolutely spotless! It's actually a shame we're remodeling this unit after you move out because it's move in ready for the next tenant." 

It's interesting because growing up I was taught to appreciate things, but to treat things borrowed from other people even better than things I owned. As an adult I realize that's not how most people view things. They'll take care of their own stuff, then be careless with other people's things. That seems so backwards to me. My dad stopped lending out tools because people would return them damaged and shrug. Meanwhile I borrowed a book from a friend and accidentally bent the cover pretty badly, so I repurchased it and gave the friend the new one. I treat my own things well, but I am absolutely mortified if I accidently damage something of a friend's. It baffles my mind how many people just...don't care and don't respect things. 

short+sassy

@levioosa, I'm the same way also!  I feel such a responsibility to make things right, if I caused damage/made a mistake.

To be fair, most of my tenants have returned their units back to me clean.  Then I give them the security deposit back asap.  Because now I owe someone money and it bugs me when I owe someone something!

MyNameIsNot

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

That was very generous of the LW to have chalked up the filthiness of the previous house to it being old, lol.  Air circulation can have some effect on how quickly things get dusty or mildewy again after cleaning.  But you can usually tell the difference between something that is rarely cleaned and some dust/fur that has settled into the last cleaning.  It also wouldn't matter for the stove hood.  Though at least the LW didn't mention the rest of the kitchen, so maybe it was okay overall.

Even for close friends, I don't think a cleaning talk will go over well.  It could mar the friendship and they aren't going to change their decades long cleaning habits, even if they totally agree with the LW.

Owning rentals, I have SEEN some things!  After one tenant moved out, there was a big splash of old, sticky soda adhered to one of the bedroom walls.  My guess is someone dropped a soda.  The liquid splattered on the wall.  But then instead of taking three minutes out of their day to wipe the soda off the wall, they just left it there!  A different tenant ruined the finish of the kitchen's backsplash because something acidic (probably tomato sauce) splattered on it and that wasn't wiped up either.

I've also been given back homes that didn't look like the tenant ever cleaned it.  But there's something about not even bothering to clean up a spill that really gets my goat.  It's zero effort and time, ffs!  WTF is wrong with some people?

I didn't realize how bad it was until I moved out of my apartment and the landlord came in and visibly sighed a sigh of relief. "We've never had a tenant keep a place in such good condition! This is absolutely spotless! It's actually a shame we're remodeling this unit after you move out because it's move in ready for the next tenant." 

It's interesting because growing up I was taught to appreciate things, but to treat things borrowed from other people even better than things I owned. As an adult I realize that's not how most people view things. They'll take care of their own stuff, then be careless with other people's things. That seems so backwards to me. My dad stopped lending out tools because people would return them damaged and shrug. Meanwhile I borrowed a book from a friend and accidentally bent the cover pretty badly, so I repurchased it and gave the friend the new one. I treat my own things well, but I am absolutely mortified if I accidently damage something of a friend's. It baffles my mind how many people just...don't care and don't respect things. 

Yes! I once spilled a cup of coffee on a book I'd borrowed from a friend, so I ordered her a new copy. She laughed and said didn't want it back because she never rereads anything. So now I have two copies of the same book, one coffee scented.

People like this is one of the annoyances that feed into H's problems with his sister. She has broken so many of his and our things, including some expensive things that she "borrowed" without asking. She has never even offered to repair or replace anything, which leaves him feeling really used. Her perspective is "it's family" so she's entitled to anything he owns.