...But she IS jealous.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m struggling to navigate my wife Sara’s reactions to encountering people that I dated in the past. She and I met in our 30s, so we both have histories. She has a few long-term relationships in her past and that’s pretty much it, whereas I dated more people casually for a few months or so at a time. I know who her past boyfriends are and really don’t care, she picked me. I’ll share some examples.

At one point, my best friend Adam and his then-girlfriend Anna set me up with one of Anna’s best friends. It went fine, we casually dated for a few months, and then we parted amicably when she moved away. We did not stay in contact. By the time Adam and Anna got married, about three years later, I was dating Sara. I was a groomsman, and Anna’s friend was a bridesmaid. I mentioned to Sara that the bridesmaid and I dated briefly, and she became upset. The bridesmaid and I had minimal interaction during the wedding weekend, we said hello at the rehearsal dinner, I introduced her to Sara, and we caught up briefly, with Sara part of the conversation, for about five minutes. We spent no time alone together, didn’t walk down the aisle next to each other, nothing. Sara was still sulky all weekend.

A few years later, after Sara and I were married, we were going to a friend’s birthday party. I thought it was possible that a woman I went on three or four dates 10-plus years ago would be there based upon whose party it was, but I was not sure. I did not say anything to Sara. Again, this is not someone I am in contact with, not someone that I ever think about; it’s just a person from my past who lives in the same city we do. After we left, Sara mentioned speaking to the woman I dated briefly, and I told her about it. She was mad that I “lied” to her and felt embarrassed and asked how many people at the party knew and were talking about her. I disagreed with her reaction—I didn’t “lie,” I just didn’t proactively coach her that this woman would possibly be there. And by the time I saw her, Sara had already talked to her.

This is about to happen again. We should be getting a save the date to a wedding any day now. A woman I dated in college (again, very briefly!) is absolutely going to be there. I would like to be honest ahead of time, but I am already exhausted about the six months of discussions that are going to lead up to this wedding. I’ve told Sara that it is not a big deal, that it would be weird if I had no dating history, that I was a gigantic commitment-phobe before we met and it is a sign of how much I love her that she was the one I chose to commit to, that I think it speaks well of me that I can say hello and exchange pleasantries with people I dated and they don’t feel the need to stab me. Sara normally isn’t a jealous person, and my life is a pretty open book. After the birthday party, I handed over my phone (which she has the password for!) and told her to go nuts, there’s nothing in there. She lasted five minutes before asking how many different text threads about fantasy football one person can have. I think deep down she knows she’s being unreasonable, but she just can’t control how she feels in the moment. Any suggestions?

—The List Isn’t That Long, I Swear

banana468

I think you need to be more proactive.  Talk to her and ask her what she wants to know. Tell her that when you go to events for people from before you met her there might be people in attendance you dated before you met her.

But ask her what she really needs to know here and let her know that while you want to ensure she's comfortable you feel on guard every time you're attending an event that should be happy.

mrsconn23

Sara's are awesome and should never be threatened by their romantic partner's past because they know their partner is with someone so much better now.  I should know. 

Anyway, this is absolutely ridic on her part...BUT LW you've gone through a few rounds of this.  SO, I think you need to ASK her, "Hey, how can we fix this because I don't want to attend a party, wedding, or other event and be concerned you'll be upset by someone who may be there. What do you think you need from me?" And then listen to what she says. 

Yes, this may be mostly 'her' issue, but if you love her and want this to work...you need to have a conversation about it before the next invitation arrives. 

This is a communication issue.  Communicate when it's not a heightened situation. Jeepers. 

VarunaTT

The issue isn't her jealousy, it's her actions.  People get jealous, it happens.  

I think I would talk to Sara about you know she feels jealous and that she can't help it.  So in the future, you'll make sure to tell her (if you even remember) if there's someone in your dating past there.  But her goal is to not react badly to that. Figure out, okay, we can have X conversations about it.  

I know this seems silly, but it's the only way to deal with it.  I get very jealous, but I know how to handle it.  I remember I had to tell one of exH's girlfriends, who he hadn't even dated, that I was unreasonably jealous of her, it was totally my issue, it wasn't logical, and that I might have to just step out every now and then to handle it because I didn't to take it out on anyone.  She was very gracious, and was exH, and we all just gave each other some space/grace about it.  Because none of us made a big deal, it faded pretty quickly and she became someone I enjoyed from exH's past.  We even were part of her wedding a few years later.  This is just going to take some emotional intelligence and awareness.

levioosa

I literally cannot fathom getting this worked up about an ex, let alone not even a real ex, just some person that you went on a couple of dates with! She needs to chill tf out. Unless LW is burying the lead about some deserved insecurities she has based on his past behavior, she needs to learn how to let it go. 

short+sassy

Agree with you all about Sara's actions and the best way for the LW to handle them.

But I have to give Sara some props for not spending more than 5 minutes on the phone search and concluding it with an amused, "How many threads do you need to HAVE about fantasy football?"