What a terrible situation, but saying no was the right thing.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My ex got another woman pregnant while I was pregnant with our twins. I didn’t have any money, nor any family to turn to. So I grinned and accepted his apology until I could start work again and secretly save up money. He died when our twins were five. His death benefits were between all three kids but the life insurance was enough for me to escape and start a new life. This left bad blood between my mother-in-law and me. She accused me of stealing her grandchildren from her and being greedy. It led to estrangement where I would let the twins talk to her but not visit because she made threats of taking me to court over custody.

At that point, their half-sibling was not connected with us. My twins knew they existed but only have hazy memories of meeting them. I didn’t know that their grandmother had taken custody of the other child, as the mom is in jail. And now, their grandmother is dying. I had a caseworker call me to see if I could take temporary custody. I froze and said that wasn’t possible. Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to explain this to my twins. I don’t know where to start. Intellectually, I know that it would be a disaster to even think of getting involved in this mess, but the idea of this child in foster care gives me nightmares. What should I do?

—Impossible

VarunaTT

I think if I were in position to save a child from foster care, I'd do it, no matter what.

I'd say yes, and immediately find a therapist for us all.  So that the kids can work it out and handle their relationships and so that I knew how to handle/share my own feelings and deal with the inevitable questions that are going to arise.  There will be some help from caseworkers and such, on resources at least.  

The big question is what's after temporary and I feel like the therapist could be helpful in dealing with that as well.

MyNameIsNot

I think your initial instinct was right. Your first duty is to your twins. Bringing this child into the mix would be chaotic at best for them, and horrible for you. You are not obligated to fuck up your family. 

ei34

Incredibly sad but I’d lean towards no.  Not if taking in the half sibling would alter your own children’s personal peace. They’ve already been through a lot.

charlotte989875

I would meet the social worker. Here about the kid and what supports they have/have had. I’d meet the kid, see how it goes. 

But don’t make a massive decision, either way, off of one phone call.