I'd never let her see or speak to him alone again, IF I let her see him.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I lost my husband when I was six months pregnant. Whatever good will my in-laws had for me evaporated when I decided to move back home and have my baby with my family around. My mother-in-law accused me of being a coward and “stealing” her only grandson. It got worse when I met and married an old high school friend the next year. He was raising his daughter and her half-sister alone because the mother was unstable and the other father was in prison. We found solace and support in each other. My in-laws couldn’t understand or forgive that.

My son is four now. It has been teeth-clenching to try and keep a positive relationship with his grandmother and extended family. We finally got to a point where they would drive down to take him for an unsupervised weekend. My son seemed happy and healthy, until he started acting out. He started having tantrums if he had to share with his brother and sister and saying they aren’t his “real” family. He started nightmares where I would “go away” and he had nowhere to live. No matter how my husband and I reassured him, this behavior continued … until the dam broke.

Apparently, his grandmother has been telling my son that he is going to come live with his real family if anything happens to me.

I immediately stopped all the calls and visits. I told my ex MIL exactly why and she cried saying I was blowing up for no reason and she just wanted to see her grand baby. I told her we would visit starting phone calls again in three months. I don’t know what to do. Even thinking about it makes me furious. My husband thinks we need to wait until the adoptions of the kids go through. We are waiting on the courts to terminate the rights of his ex and it has been slow going. My mother thinks we should be careful about considering cutting off my son’s paternal family because he will grow up and met them someday. I need an outside perspective please.

—Cut Off

banana468

Any conversations with the paternal grandmother need to be supervised if and when that happens.  

She's a toxic person who needs her own therapy to deal with the loss of her son and until she behaves appropriately she's going to be kept at a distance. 

VarunaTT

I know that grandparents are finally being given rights, so I think LW needs to consult with an attorney about how to handle this before she makes any other decisions.  It's unlikely she can keep the child completely away from his paternal grandparents, but there can be supervised visits and such.  She might, unfortunately, have to play a game until the adoption goes through.  But I didn't know that a deceased spouse still had to have their rights terminated.

ETA:  Okay, I misread that.  I'd fast track the son's adoption here.

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

I know that grandparents are finally being given rights, so I think LW needs to consult with an attorney about how to handle this before she makes any other decisions.  It's unlikely she can keep the child completely away from his paternal grandparents, but there can be supervised visits and such.  She might, unfortunately, have to play a game until the adoption goes through.  But I didn't know that a deceased spouse still had to have their rights terminated.

ETA:  Okay, I misread that.  I'd fast track the son's adoption here.

Even if the spouse is deceased, they could still try to get rights if they can prove they are spending regular time with him. LW should talk to their adoption attorney about it and also get this on record with him as 'evidence' as to why she wants to limit contact for now (or forever).  Furthermore, if LW has anything in writing with former MIL attacking her for 'stealing' (eyes rolling out of my head) the kid, that will also help.  I do think cutting her off completely is a risk, but it could be mitigated if there is supporting information for why LW is taking said measures. 

ei34

The paternal grandparents getting custodial rights could be a moot point, even with the adoption stuff taking forever, bc LW’s got her own family that she’s close with, emotionally and geographically, that she could name as guardian in a worst case scenario type thing.  That’s why she moved away after her H died in the first place, to be near her own family.  

I’m not surprised MIL is grieving but supervised visits for sure, considering her history.

mrsconn23

ei34 said:

The paternal grandparents getting custodial rights could be a moot point, even with the adoption stuff taking forever, bc LW’s got her own family that she’s close with, emotionally and geographically, that she could name as guardian in a worst case scenario type thing.  That’s why she moved away after her H died in the first place, to be near her own family.  

I’m not surprised MIL is grieving but supervised visits for sure, considering her history.

It wouldn't be custody, just visitation.  In my state, if one parent is absent or dead, the grandparents can still petition to have scheduled visits with their grandkid(s) if they can prove they were seeing them on a regular basis/had involvement in their lives.  It happened with the kiddo's best friend. 

ei34

mrsconn23 said:

show previous quotes

ei34 said:

The paternal grandparents getting custodial rights could be a moot point, even with the adoption stuff taking forever, bc LW’s got her own family that she’s close with, emotionally and geographically, that she could name as guardian in a worst case scenario type thing.  That’s why she moved away after her H died in the first place, to be near her own family.  

I’m not surprised MIL is grieving but supervised visits for sure, considering her history.

It wouldn't be custody, just visitation.  In my state, if one parent is absent or dead, the grandparents can still petition to have scheduled visits with their grandkid(s) if they can prove they were seeing them on a regular basis/had involvement in their lives.  It happened with the kiddo's best friend. 

Gotcha.  Even then, I stand by visitation being okay and long as it’s formally supervised. And like, twice a year.  Then LW can’t be hit with a “you purposely kept us apart” but the ILs also in no way deserve alone time with this poor kid.

levioosa

Ooh this makes me furious. Because of her own fucked up reality dear old grandma has possibly created lifelong attachment issues for this kid. Fuck her. I’d get son into therapy and then probably never would let her see him again. 

MyNameIsNot

Talk to the lawyer doing the other kids' adoption, but I'd lean toward a step-parent adoption (which is fairly simple when bio dad is dead) and cutting all contact. Grandma is toxic and she's not doing any good for the kid.