Try to be understanding, but don't accept her lashing out

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s father sadly died a few weeks ago. My husband has a sister, they’ve always been close, and I have always had a great relationship with her. Since their father died, my husband’s sister is gripped by anger, which I understand, but my husband and I have become the targets of it.

She is lashing out at us both daily. We can’t do anything right. She is furious at us for continuing with daily life, but we have no choice in that, as we have two children under 8 and I care for my mother, who has a serious medical issue and disability. We have no choice but to carry on with the daily routine of caring for our children.

I am trying my best to cut her some slack. I lost my own father a couple of years ago, and whilst I know everyone experiences grief differently, I can remember all too well the pain of my own grief. But the way she is behaving toward us is incredibly hurtful and damaging, and I fear it will do irreparable damage to the relationship. What should we do? How can we begin to approach this with her? Does a person’s grief make it OK for them to hurt other people? My husband is grieving too, and this feels unfair and unjust.

—Sad, Hurt, and Wanting to Make Things Better

MyNameIsNot

After only a few weeks, I would give her some space and just walk away for a while. "Sorry you feel that way, but little Johnny still needs to go to school."

At some point H will have to confront her if she doesn't move past this anger phase, but most people do. She could probably also use some time with a grief counselor, but I doubt she's in a headspace to think about that while she's in this anger phase. 

short+sassy

Anger is one of the phases of grief, but I feel like that is usually at the deceased.

I understand cutting the sister a little bit of slack for how she is feeling, but that doesn't mean she gets carte blanche to treat people in such a hurtful way.  Especially her brother who is grieving as much as she is.

They need to have a CTJ talk with her.  That she can always lean on them for emotional support, but not when she is angry.  The daily lashing out needs to stop and they are no longer engaging in it.  They're grieving also and she's making this hard time worse, while also damaging the relationship they have with her.

Unfortunately, a talk like that will probably piss her off more.  But now they've set their boundaries and can cut off the conversation when she starts lashing out at them.

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

Anger is one of the phases of grief, but I feel like that is usually at the deceased.

I understand cutting the sister a little bit of slack for how she is feeling, but that doesn't mean she gets carte blanche to treat people in such a hurtful way.  Especially her brother who is grieving as much as she is.

They need to have a CTJ talk with her.  That she can always lean on them for emotional support, but not when she is angry.  The daily lashing out needs to stop and they are no longer engaging in it.  They're grieving also and she's making this hard time worse, while also damaging the relationship they have with her.

Unfortunately, a talk like that will probably piss her off more.  But now they've set their boundaries and can cut off the conversation when she starts lashing out at them.

Anger at other people and at the world in general is really normal. It's sort of being angry at the world for continuing to spin while your world is falling apart. It's not rational, but most of grieving isn't. 

banana468

Brother and maybe you need to have a CTJ with her.

"It feels like you're directing a lot of anger towards us for continuing to do the things we have to do for our kids and my mom.  We're open to listening to why that bothers you but we won't be part of discussions where we are insulted."

I'm wondering if sis is so depressed she's angry that others are going on - and she needs a good therapist.