Talk to your H?

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

It’s been seven years since we were with my family on Christmas Day. Two of those years we were hunkered down at home with a newborn/about to give birth. The other five years we have spent with my husband’s family. My father-in-law has been terminally ill for 12 years, and it’s a miracle that he has lived this long. We’ve truly thought that every year has been his last Christmas, but this year, I really think it’s his last. We will celebrate with them this year, which I am, of course, happy to do.

Given that next year, though, circumstances will most likely be different, I am wondering about how to get us into a rhythm of trading off visits to our families every other year. My sister and her kids will be visiting from overseas, so I really want to be with my family. It will most likely be my mother-in-law’s (and my brother-in-law and husband’s) first Christmas without their patriarch. What would you recommend I do in this scenario? I am seeing my mom’s memory starting to slip, and her handwriting is seeming off, so it feels like we don’t have that many more Christmases left with her in her right mind. I’m starting to feel resentful of time lost and the imbalance. I just want harmony and balance.

flantastic

I think you guys have already given too much weight to your H's family and the idea of his dad's "last" Christmas. Any Christmas could be any of our last, and you'd hate to have missed it more if you weren't expecting it. So talk to your H about how you can make sure you see both families.

Personally, I don't go anywhere, to either side of the family, on Christmas Day. That's at our house. Then we find time to see usually both sides of the family around Christmas, with priority given on timing to the family that didn't see us for Thanksgiving.

banana468

We do the same @flantastic.  I wanted to pick up hosting earlier than we did but once the kids were 2 and 6 it was at our house.  It made so much more sense than forcing small kiddos to drop their stuff and pack it in and the older they go the more questions about Santa came up.  Now, we host and those who want to come here.

I'll say IMO it's also time to start up with your family.  

short+sassy

I'm sure we all have our own definitions of what a "terminal" illness is.  But living for 12 years and counting after a diagnosis, is not mine.

The LW should feel resentful and stopped this "but it's his last Christmas (maybe)" a long time ago.  Most of the time, people don't know when it's the "last Christmas" for their family member.  Quite frankly, it's the NEXT holiday after a loved one has passed that is usually the hardest one.