Shaken up

Casadena

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I had a wonderful, loving relationship for over 20 years. Then, quite suddenly, his behavior changed. He became increasingly paranoid, reactive, and strange, and had terrifying psychotic episodes in which he heard voices, convinced that I was planning to kill him and the children. It culminated in me locking myself in the bathroom with the kids and calling 911. He was finally diagnosed with a serious adrenal condition and is getting the treatment he needs in an inpatient facility.

My problem is that his parents drop by regularly, gaily talking about how wonderful it will be when he comes home. Will it? My children and I are in therapy, trying to deal with the shock of the man we love tearing up the house. My youngest wets the bed, and both of them have nightmares. The reality is that we may never be ready to accept him back in our lives, but it’s simply not the time to have that conversation. I’ve been testing variations of “We’re just focused on his recovery,” but that’s not shutting the conversation down, and I don’t know if I can keep avoiding it. Should I sit my in-laws down and talk them through the reality of the situation? Or do I keep deflecting until we are ready to make a decision? That day is approaching.

levioosa

Man this is so hard. Therapy for everyone, including your husband. And I think a really frank discussion with his medical team, the case management and social worker. If the medical opinion is that the complete 180 was solely due to a pathological and physiological condition that has now been corrected, then that should help with moving forward. If you're not ready to have him home, maybe he can go into transitional housing or live with his parents for awhile while everyone seeks therapy and rebuilds from the trauma. Are things like this rare? Yes, but they do happen and they are devastating to everyone involved when they do. 

This reminds me of that Grey's Anatomy episode where a woman drove off a bridge to kill herself and her kids, and Meredith felt there was something else going on. She ended up finding an endocrine tumor which was causing mood swings and hypoglycemic episodes. 

banana468

levioosa said:

Man this is so hard. Therapy for everyone, including your husband. And I think a really frank discussion with his medical team, the case management and social worker. If the medical opinion is that the complete 180 was solely due to a pathological and physiological condition that has now been corrected, then that should help with moving forward. If you're not ready to have him home, maybe he can go into transitional housing or live with his parents for awhile while everyone seeks therapy and rebuilds from the trauma. Are things like this rare? Yes, but they do happen and they are devastating to everyone involved when they do. 

This reminds me of that Grey's Anatomy episode where a woman drove off a bridge to kill herself and her kids, and Meredith felt there was something else going on. She ended up finding an endocrine tumor which was causing mood swings and hypoglycemic episodes. 

So much of this.  The behavior from the ILs makes me wonder if they're not really the most realistic people and are also sort of saying to the DIL, "This is  yours to deal with," which isn't fair IMO.

I totally agree that the LW needs to talk to his doctors and get a real opinion on what the next steps are for both the H's best care but also for the best situation for the family.  It doesn't mean she's abandoning him but from the way they're described the kids are still living in the house and likely minors.  They're staying put!  So what's the best situation for THEIR safety?

MyNameIsNot

I'd be really tempted to come back with a snarky quip about hoping everyone will be able to stay safe this time around, but that's probably not productive. 

It sounds like LW needs to be having some intense conversations with his care providers about what reintroduction should look like, but also about how they're presenting everything to friends and family. Maybe the easiest answer is to put a little space between LW and kids and the ILs. The kids need to know that they don't have to pretend everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows for other people, and I don't have a lot of faith that anything you say to ILs is going to make much of a difference.