• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Texas-Houston

Bridesmaid issue (long post)

So I have a dilema with one of my bridesmaids. She has an 18 year old daughter and my bridesmaid has asked me if she can come "hang out" with us on the day of the wedding. I hated to say no so I kind of said yes. As I got to thinking about it (and after I mentioned it to my MOH) I'm really not sure why her daughter needs to hang with us. All she's probably going to do is text message all day. I am paying for my bridesmaids to have their hair and makeup done (including my mom and grandmother), so I hate for her to watch all of us and her be excluded. I also worry about it being crowded in the bridal space at the venue. I know other family members are going to be coming in and out - there's no way to prevent that thanks to my mom and her weird wedding ways.

One more issue I have with my bridesmaid is that she said "oh, I don't know if my son will want to come or not". So when we started our guest list (before I asked her to be a bridesmaid), we only had her and her husband on the list. I never offered an invitation to her daughter or son. I'm concerned because he's a bit of a troublemaker (he's 20) and I don't want them to get into a family fight in the middle of my reception! Our guest list is also getting pretty tight especially since I can't get my mom to quit inviting people just by word of mouth before asking me first.

So, should I tell my bridesmaid that I thought it over and maybe it wouldn't be best for her daughter to come spend the day with us? Before this, she had planned on coming with her dad to the ceremony and reception.

I'd appreciate my fellow knotties advice :-)

Re: Bridesmaid issue (long post)

  • akg0053akg0053 member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, it sounds like you have multiple issues going on here.

    First, assuming your mom isn't paying for the wedding and it is you and/or your FI that is paying for your wedding, you MUST stand up for yourself and put a stop to your mom inviting a ton of extra people. If your mom is the one paying for it, then she doesn't need to ask you first. She might want to as a courtesy, but she doesn't have to. Additionally, if you are worried about space in the bridal area, you need to tell your mom that space is at a premium and therefore people can't just be parading in and out of there and stop that before she even starts. 

    Secondly, you needed to have been firm about the guest list regarding your bridesmaid and her daughter from the beginning. Simple as that. If she wasn't invited to the wedding from the beginning (you specifically said it was only your bridesmaid and her husband that was originally invited), then there would be no reason for her to go hang out while you guys were getting ready. Since hindsight is 20/20, and since you already told your bridesmaid that it would be ok to bring her, it's really rude to go back and say no to that now unless you and this bridesmaid have a super close relationship where that wouldn't p!ss her off royally. 

    Third, if the daughter is effectively invited, then it's even more rude to exclude the son. The reason why I'm  saying she is effectively invited is because if she goes to hang out with you guys when you're getting ready, then chances are she will probably go to the wedding because what is she going to do? Hang out with you then go home before the wedding starts? That's just really quite strange. Therefore, to basically allow the daughter to participate in wedding events, but then tell the son that he can't come at all, is super rude.

    Just about the best thing you can do is say "you know bridesmaid, I was thinking about it and are you sure your daughter won't feel left out while we all get our hair and make up done, and she won't be getting hers done? Do you think she would have more fun hanging out at a friends house instead of being stuck with us all day long?" and go from there and see what she says. Either way, if she decides to bring her, you did tell her it was ok.

    Now, if the daughter does come, it is still possible that the 20 year old son will find something else to do for the evening and may not even want to come to the wedding. Again though, to basically invite the daughter but not the son is very rude.
    118 image
    Not caring about missing RSVPs because there aren't any rocks!
  • sweet__peasweet__pea member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]Honestly, it sounds like you have multiple issues going on here. First, assuming your mom isn't paying for the wedding and it is you and/or your FI that is paying for your wedding, you MUST stand up for yourself and put a stop to your mom inviting a ton of extra people. If your mom is the one paying for it, then she doesn't need to ask you first. She might want to as a courtesy, but she doesn't have to. Additionally, if you are worried about space in the bridal area, you need to tell your mom that space is at a premium and therefore people can't just be parading in and out of there and stop that before she even starts.  Secondly, you needed to have been firm about the guest list regarding your bridesmaid and her daughter from the beginning. Simple as that. If she wasn't invited to the wedding from the beginning (you specifically said it was only your bridesmaid and her husband that was originally invited), then there would be no reason for her to go hang out while you guys were getting ready. Since hindsight is 20/20, and since you already told your bridesmaid that it would be ok to bring her, it's really rude to go back and say no to that now unless you and this bridesmaid have a super close relationship where that wouldn't p!ss her off royally.  Third, if the daughter is effectively invited, then it's even more rude to exclude the son. The reason why I'm  saying she is effectively invited because if she goes to hang out with you guys when you're getting ready, then chances are she will probably go to the wedding because what is she going to do? Hang out with you then go home before the wedding starts? That's just really quite strange. Therefore, to basically allow the daughter to participate in wedding events, but then tell the son that he can't come at all, is super rude. Just about the best thing you can do is say "you know bridesmaid, I was thinking about it and are you sure your daughter won't feel left out while we all get our hair and make up done, and she won't be getting hers done? Do you think she would have more fun hanging out at a friends house instead of being stuck with us all day long?" and go from there and see what she says. Either way, if she decides to bring her, you did tell her it was ok. Now, if the daughter does come, it is still possible that the 20 year old son will find something else to do for the evening and may not even want to come to the wedding. Again though, to basically invite the daughter but not the son is very rude.
    [/QUOTE]

    Ditto what she said.
  • edited December 2011

    I have a feeling that the daughter won't be able to "hang" with us for 6 hrs before the ceremony, but we'll see. As for her son, I don't even know him. He just moved back to Houston about a year ago. FI and I just worry about them having a family fight at our reception, but I forgot that we'll have security there!

    And as for my mom doing the word of mouth invites.....my dad is going to remind her of the extra cost the SHE will have to figure out how to pay for. We're mostly splitting the wedding costs. I don't care if a parent (or parents) are footing 100% of the cost, the bride should always have a say so in who or who not to invite. An example....my mom wants to invite the lady who babysat me when I was 6 months old. My mom has discovered Facebook and it's not a good thing!

    We're on a tight budget and it keeps getting tighter every day so adding more guests is stressing me out.



  • erolliserollis member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    That is good that your dad is taking control and reminding your mom about how extra people equal extra money.

    About the bridesmaid. I agree with AK on that one. Invite the entire family. Plus the daughter may not be with the mom but with the dad most of the day. Ya never know.
    Planning Bio
  • akg0053akg0053 member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Bridesmaid issue (long post):
    [QUOTE]I have a feeling that the daughter won't be able to "hang" with us for 6 hrs before the ceremony, but we'll see. As for her son, I don't even know him. He just moved back to Houston about a year ago. FI and I just worry about them having a family fight at our reception, but I forgot that we'll have security there! And as for my mom doing the word of mouth invites.....my dad is going to remind her of the extra cost the SHE will have to figure out how to pay for. We're mostly splitting the wedding costs. I don't care if a parent (or parents) are footing 100% of the cost, the bride should always have a say so in who or who not to invite. An example....my mom wants to invite the lady who babysat me when I was 6 months old. My mom has discovered Facebook and it's not a good thing! We're on a tight budget and it keeps getting tighter every day so adding more guests is stressing me out.
    Posted by abramlett79[/QUOTE]
    No. If the parents are paying 100% of the bill, the parents get to add people if they want. Period. That's how it works when other people pay for stuff. Once again, they might run it by a bride as a courtesy, but the bride does not have the absolute right to demand that parents run extra guests by her if she is not the one paying for said extra guests. 
    In your case, since you are splitting it, she needs to quit doing that or else she needs to assume payment of them 100%. I'm glad your dad is doing what he can to stop this. 
    Again, regardless as to whether or not the daughter will be able to hang out with you guys, telling your bridesmaid no after you already said she would be allowed to is rude. Not inviting the son when you know she has one is also rude, even if you don't know him that well. If you were worried about guest issues, a simple "we will have to see" response to your bridesmaid about her daughter from the beginning so you could think it over probably would have been the best course of action, but again, hindsight is 20/20. 
    118 image
    Not caring about missing RSVPs because there aren't any rocks!
  • lmasters15lmasters15 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If the budget is tight and the guest list is maxed out...maybe just mention it to your bridesmaid.  Maybe she will get the hint.  I know it's not the most polite gesture in the world, but if it saves money and lessens stress...it may be worth it.  I know I wouldn't want to worry about a troublemaker at my wedding.  And if you don't want an 18 year old texting in your bridal suite, don't have one.  I know, I know...I'm rude.  But it's your day, you should have the focus on you and be surrounded by people who love you and are there for you.  My opinion.  Just trying to help :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards