FMIL Drama/Frustration/Rant

calindi

So FMIL sends FI an email today telling him that she's coming to Miami with her flavor-of-the-week for 4 days and will not have any time to see him (or me, but whatever.  At least I was mentioned, I guess?).  FI goes on to suggest breakfast, or lunch, or coffee, or anything - promising he won't get in her way (it breaks my heart to see him beg his Mom to spend time with him).  She says she doesn't know, she'll have to check with her boyfriend.  Ugh!

And then she tells FI that she's taking "the girls and Joe", meaning FI's 3 sisters and brother-in-law) and her granddaughter (FI's niece) to Cancun for Thanksgiving.  Um..... wtf?!!!  She's paying for all of them to go, and never invited FI.  What's more, FI is paying himself (er, I'm helping!) so he can go up to visit for those 5 days before Christmas.

I'm so angry, I could spit bullets!  FI told me that he wants me to let it go so it doesn't stress him out - for his own sanity, he has to forgive and forget, he has decided, or else he'd have no relationship with her at all.  So I'm here telling you ladies, since I have to smile for FI.  When really I want to pull her teeth out and tell her that she's no kind of mother!

KendallR10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_fmil-dramafrustrationrant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:0d869148-fef5-4ab5-922c-aecf1cc1d77aPost:50df274b-0d97-481b-a29b-808ca8023cb9">FMIL Drama/Frustration/Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]So FMIL sends FI an email today telling him that she's coming to Miami with her flavor-of-the-week for 4 days and will not have any time to see him (or me, but whatever.  At least I was mentioned, I guess?).  FI goes on to suggest breakfast, or lunch, or coffee, or anything - promising he won't get in her way (it breaks my heart to see him beg his Mom to spend time with him).  <strong>She says she doesn't know, she'll have to check with her boyfriend. </strong> Ugh! And then she tells FI that she's taking "the girls and Joe", meaning FI's 3 sisters and brother-in-law) and her granddaughter (FI's niece) to Cancun for Thanksgiving.  Um..... wtf?!!!  She's paying for all of them to go, and never invited FI.  What's more, FI is paying himself (er, I'm helping!) so he can go up to visit for those 5 days before Christmas. I'm so angry, I could spit bullets!  FI told me that he wants me to let it go so it doesn't stress him out - for his own sanity, he has to forgive and forget, he has decided, or else he'd have no relationship with her at all.  So I'm here telling you ladies, since I have to smile for FI.  When really I want to pull her teeth out and tell her that she's no kind of mother!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Out of all of this that pisses me off most. Is she not her own person can she not make her own decisions?

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crownsuperstar

C- I am so sorry.  It breaks my heart when I see H upset about things. It makes me want to go off on the person that caused it.  I really have no other words about this except to just breathe!  I find that I tell myself that a lot in the past few days. 

Oh and remember you can smile while thinking ugly thoughts.  I hope that helps.  My mother taught me that a long time ago. 

amh04

C - I'm so so sorry! That's absolutely horrible! I can't believe his own mother would do that (I dont know any back story - but why any mother would do that is beyond me!) How insane!!! I don't really know what to say but just to take a deep breath. I'm really sorry she is doing this to your FI.

calindi

Anne - there's no real back story except she sucks as a Mom.  She's always been self-involved.  She has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old, has gone through 4 husbands, had a live-in boyfriend for 8 years (on and off) who she was horrible to and finally broke up with him while he was out of town for business by moving all his things to the garage and telling him that he should have his daughter stop by and pick it up before trash day.  She bases her whole identity on the guy she's dating, but she also hates men and is very awkward about relationships in general.  She's not touchy-feely at all.

She just doesn't get FI, she has major issues with men in general.  FI has always been massively independent, and she just has never tried to include him in anything - partially because he distances himself and partially because she can't relate to men at all.  When FI was a child, she let his step-father beat up on him for years!  When FI got older and too big to beat up, his step-father moved on to his younger sister.  That's when FI put his step-father's head through a wall (drywall, not concrete, unfortunately).  Only then did his Mom kick out that husband.  So FI feels all this resentment that his Mom has never stood up for him but always his sisters. 

She came down to "visit" his first Thanksgiving at law school (I wasn't down here yet, and was home with my family for the holiday).  She paid for all her daughters and their boyfriends to come down and stay in a fancy hotel on South Beach.  FI lived 45 minutes away from South Beach at that point.  They saw him twice - once for dinner, where FI's Mom asked him to pay his own way even though she paid for everyone else, and once when she had him drive the 45 minutes up to her hotel to let her borrow the car for the day to take everyone snorkeling while they left him behind to study as there wasn't room in the car for him.  In his own f-ing car!

It just kills me that he keeps trying to have a relationship with her and she just keeps hurting him over and over and over.

LOLways

C, sorry for your FMIL troubles. She sounds rather like my dad's mom. My mom tried for years to try to make it work between grandma and my dad, and hoped that maybe things would be well between grandma and my mom. My mom spent years doing things like hosting Thanksgiving/Xmas dinner while heavily pregnant, and it was never reciprocated. It sounds like your FI is dealing with it like my dad did/does- by just ignoring it.

Obviously you aren't my mom, and your FMIL isn't my grandma, but I hope you don't make the mistake my mom did of getting too worked up about something she couldn't change. It's really hard to deal with, but my mom had to finally cut her losses and cease contact with grandma. Dad had done the same several years before. Maybe in the end it'll work out differently for your situation, but don't forget to remember what's really important! I wish my mom hadn't gotten so upset for so many years over it all, it would've been better for her health to not be stressing about that.

BinxRose

I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it...what a freaking twatwaffle! Reading this made me so angry and sad for your FI and want to give you both a hug, and then tell her off!

prettyirishgirl

oh I'm sorry - that woman sounds like a ***insert desired accessory word here***. I understand where FI is coming from wanting to forgive and forget (massive family drama), but i learned a long time ago that you cant control others and sometimes it just hits this point where it isn't worth the hurt it can cause you and all of the jumping through hoops to make people happy that will never be happy.. I hope you guys find some happy balance with her, but if that cant happen I really hope your FI and you can find a way to deal with it.

CAB1217

Oh Calindi, I can kind of relate. My dad's mom was the same way. She was AWFUL to him, and super self centered. Til the very end my dad stayed devoted to her, and he tried soooo hard to have a relationship with her. All she would do was repeatedly spit in his face. My mom and I have always had to just grin and bare it, and it was so hard. I am really sorry you're going to have to deal with this. Be strong for him!

Irishcurls

Ugh I can't even read all the responses. This is so heartbreaking. But here's the take home, which you obviously already know because you're on here with us--its still his mom and he will continue to beg and bend over backwards forever and ever and ever. Ugh, that is making me more sad.....but point is, clearly it's important to him to TRY to have some sort of relationship you know? And I'm sure he'd never cry to you about how hurt he is (though, I dont know him, I'm just generalizing) but I'm SURE it hurts him as much as it hurts you. You're doing the right thing by just supporting him and whatever time she can give him (bleh) IS important for him.....God I'm sick over sort of standing up for this woman. How disgusting can you get??? It's your son forfucksake. Sorry for your FI Calindi!!! 

calindi

Thanks guys! I needed others to be mad, too. I'm so pissed. I think I kinda figured out where FI is coming from - he can't stay mad himself because he would not be able to have any relationship with his Mom at all. However, he tells me so I can be mad and indignant on his behalf, which is something new for him. No one has ever been on his side and stood up for him, and here I am spitting bullets and ready to attack. So to some extent, me being mad is its own solution, if that makes any sense. It makes him feel loved and cared about, which he has never felt with his Mom. His sisters defend her, too. I can get that and be that person for him. I am going to have to learn to smile at her, though, and pretend I don't think she's an abject failure as a human being.

SamiJoeB

C- I you!!

tyleet87

I know exactly the kind of person you are describing. I'm sorry that that person is someone so close to you and your FI.

I've had issues with my FMIL but for the exact opposite reason. She is WAY too close to her boys and it drives me up the wall! She's always in their business and has opinions about EVERYTHING. I get so angry sometimes but honestly after reading your post it's made me realize that I'm ok with having this issue.

I'm new here but I do want to say I am sorry you are going through that, and your FI.