Need some second opinions....

shelbyfunseth

Soo... i am a very young bride.. I am 19 and about to finish my first year of college. My FH and i have been together for over 3 years, I love him more than words and my family absolutely adore him. I am technically not engaged yet because i dont have a ring and he has not proposed yet, but before he leff to go to the Air Force we had begun the planning process. We plan on actually getting engaged this summer when he is home on leave, we also dont plan on actually getting married for a couple years. My family is the type that hold me to very high standards and i feel as if i will either disappoint them when i tell or they will be fairly happy. My mother has always told me to wait to get married but i feel she could understand our situation. I love my family very much, we are all very close and all i want is for them to be happy for me, but i feel they will secretly disapprove and judge. Can someone give me some advice on how to tell my family? I feel like i should be excited to tell but i'm absolutely terrified. Am i overthinking it??

JLAyen8861

Oh, I am sorry you are going though all that.  I am not sure what to say but is that do not lie; be up front with everyone no secerts.  I know it is scary but just take a moment to think what you want and trust your gut, but be up front with everyone involved.  Hope that is at least something.  Sending good thoughts your way.

divinemsbee

You do need to talk to your family. Heck, sometimes my Mom worries I'm too young and I'm 28. You said that you aren't getting engaged until this summer, I would stop any planning you are doing until you feel as though you are actually engaged. Now, one doesn't have to have a ring to be engaged, but if you feel as though that's what will make it "official" then you need to just back off of it until that happens. No use worrying over something that's not occurred, sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, and all that jazz. I will tell you that while I knew that my FI and I were going to be engaged for over 6 months before it happened, and we'd talked about marriage a good bit before that, I didn't consider myself engaged or consider planning until there was a ring on my finger, and there's nothing wrong with that. There are girls on this board who started planning before there was an official ring, but there was an understanding that they would be married, and that's also cool, but it needs to be what you want.

You said you won't get married for a few years anyway, so there shouldn't be any great rush to get planning, I'm really planning in about 8 months, but some girls have done it in 4, and some who have had longer engagements wish they had shorter ones. If you guys are going to be together, then waiting for a little while won't hurt.  You can still be listed as his "person," for lack of a better term,  on most documents.

Assumptively your family knows that the two of you are serious. That's a start. I know all about wanting your family to be happy for you and wanting them to not judge. But here's the deal, you can only control your own feelings or actions, not the actions or feelings of others. Plus, it looks like you'll be giving them plenty of time to deal with it. It's okay to care what they think, but you also need to be able to stand up and tell them what you think. You are young. There's no denying that. I know a couple, dear friends of mine, who started dating at 15, got married at 22, and are now 28 with two kids and very happy. But who knows where life will take them, and they are the exceptions. 

To answer your real question: from the way you phrased things such as "I am technically not engaged yet because i dont have a ring and he has not proposed yet"  and "We plan on actually getting engaged this summer when he is home on leave," it doesn't sound like you feel you have anything to announce yet, by that I mean that you don't sound like it's time to call the family and get them involved in actual wedding planning. You might talk to your Mom and Dad and let them know that you guys are really serious and that you are seriously thinking about marriage, and, this is important, hear them out on any questions or concerns they may bring up. Then, once you feel as though you are engaged, with a ring or not, you can take it further. 

LetsHikeToday

If you are waiting a few years to get married, why get engaged so soon?

ggirl2001

Ditto Hike's question, and Ditto everything Mel said.

IMO, I would to get to married until you are done with school. That way, if your FI is staying in the military, you can move to be with him, and hopefully find a decent job. There is no need to even rush the engagement if you are planning to get married in a few years. You can definitely plan a wedding in 6 months or less. You can still save money w/o being engaged, and you can still be listed on all military related things for him without being engaged. 

calindi

It's wonderful you guys are so committed to each other and want to get married.  It's also admirable that you both want to wait a few years to have the wedding.

I do agree with others - what's the rush to get engaged and plan something you won't do for a few years yet?  Styles will change, your tastes will likely change, your friends will change, and your budget will change.  So you really shouldn't plan anything until around 18 months before your wedding at the most. 

Being engaged (and even married) won't make you guys miss each other less while he's gone for training, it won't make either of you more faithful (a cheater will cheat regardless of a ring), and it won't make him come home sooner.

So why not wait to get engaged?

If you do insist on being engaged this summer, and you know your family won't react well, then just be confident and direct with your reasons.  Explain to them that you know you're young, but you guys are waiting a few years to get married, and your reasons for getting engaged.

iluvmytxrgr

I'm with the other ladies.  If you are waiting a few years to get married, why get engaged?  Being engaged doesn't change anything.  It doesn't mean you love each other any more than you do.  Why not promise to get engaged after a certain point?  Maybe say you'll move on to that when you reach your senior year and plan to get married after you graduate. 
If you decide to go ahead and get engaged, lay it all out on the table for your family.  Don't try to hide it.  That's rather childish.  Tell them your plans to wait a few years.  It will make them feel better about your choices. 

Beachy730

I'm with the other girls in that I don't understand getting engaged so soon when you are going to wait for a few years anyways.  Especially at only 19, and if you already think your family will disapprove.  Personally I think an engagement ring when you plan on waiting years is more like a promise ring.  At 19, why don't you just do a promise ring that you promise to get engaged down the road?

I have a cousin who got engaged less than a week after I did, which was 2 and a half years ago.  She still isn't married, and has no idea of a date yet.  When she first got engaged she was gung-ho wedding planning; touring venues, trying on dresses, picking out wedding party, etc.  She actually did all of that before I even did, and I got married about 9 months after we got engaged.  Our whole family thinks it's a big joke, and nobody takes them serious now about anything with the wedding.  Not saying that your family would be like that, but it's a possibility. 

shan87

I'll be a dissenter here... I see no problems having a longer engagement or you guys getting engaged this summer... granted that is if you are waiting until after graduation to get married. If I was your parent I would supportive as long as you both were not rushing the marriage. To me it's important to wait until after graduation/college because so much changes in life. You'll be transitioning to your first grown up job and he will be getting his assignment (pilot or otherwise) and perhaps going to more training.

My H is AF and went to the AFA I dk if that is where your BF is but if so, I'll say that many of the graduates get married during their 60 days leave after Graduation because it's promised leave and probably the only time during their career that they will ever have guaranteed leave. We didn't get married then, H wishes we did but nothing bad happened because we waited. To be honest he matured a ton during the time after graduation and when he proposed a year later. I don't know if we would still be married had we gotten married then. Some of the people we know that did get married during the 60 day leave are divorced now.

It's a personal choice, but I see no problems with or without getting engaged right now.

PM if you have more questions about AF life

tyleet87

I don't see a problem with getting engaged and waiting. There is no rush or hurry. In the mean time try saving as much money as you can because weddings aren't cheap! haha

firemedicrr

I am with shan and ty on this one. 

I think being engaged does change things. I don't think it changes the way you feel about each other, but I think it can make both of you and both of your families take the relationship a little more seriously. This isn't to say that it's not taken at all seriously if you are not engaged, but that does show a deeper level of commitment to everyone else about your relationship. I think it also can change your mentality about your relationship, especially when it's a LD relationship. I don't see anything wrong with getting engaged and telling people that you are waiting to get married until you are done with school.... several years down the road... however you want to phrase that. I also agree with Ty about saving if you'll be paying for the wedding yourselves (but then again, the cost is affected by what you and your BF want your wedding to be like). 

I would also recommend premarital counseling during the engagement (whever you decide to get engaged) and reading some books together about marriage. These are some of the best decisions my FI and I have made... and TBH, the only drawback I can see to a short engagement (when you're sure and both in a position in your relationship where you're ready to get married sooner rather than later) is that often you do not have adequate time for really good, in depth pre-marital counseling. 

amh04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_need-some-second-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:0f0cced2-758b-4019-bcf0-e60397e11153Post:321bf96b-1339-43f7-943f-bf7e801ba55a">Re: Need some second opinions....</a>:
[QUOTE]I am with shan and ty on this one.  I think being engaged does change things. I don't think it changes the way you feel about each other, but I think it can make both of you and both of your families take the relationship a little more seriously. This isn't to say that it's not taken at all seriously if you are not engaged, but that does show a deeper level of commitment to everyone else about your relationship. I think it also can change your mentality about your relationship, especially when it's a LD relationship. I don't see anything wrong with getting engaged and telling people that you are waiting to get married until you are done with school.... several years down the road... however you want to phrase that. I also agree with Ty about saving if you'll be paying for the wedding yourselves (but then again, the cost is affected by what you and your BF want your wedding to be like).  I would also recommend premarital counseling during the engagement (whever you decide to get engaged) and reading some books together about marriage. These are some of the best decisions my FI and I have made... and TBH, the only drawback I can see to a short engagement (when you're sure and both in a position in your relationship where you're ready to get married sooner rather than later) is that often you do not have adequate time for really good, in depth pre-marital counseling. 
Posted by firemedicrr[/QUOTE]

Basically all of this - I don't see a problem with you guys getting engaged, Heck it isn't any of our choices. I think your parents will respect you for wanting to wait to get married until you are done with school.

ggirl2001

If she is terrified to tell her parents, then I don't think she will be happy about the engagement. To me that speaks volumes. I wouldn't want to be engaged and be scared to tell my parents. I would want to feel comfortable that they will support me no matter what. Especially since it appears she values their opinions. My parents would flip if I got engaged at 19 and wouldn't understand why I just wouldn't wait until after college. I'm guessing her parents are the same way.

tyleet87

Well most parents are. But if they are as sure of your boyfriend as you are then there really isn't a reason to be scared to tell them. Especially since you will be waiting a few more years to actually get married.

calindi

Ladies, here is why I think it's a good idea for her to wait...

1)  She titled the post "Need some second opinons..." which to me means she wants someone to play devils advocate and show her other perspectives.  It doesn't exactly sound like someone who is set in her plans.

2)  She identifies herself as "a very young bride" - which means to me that she thinks she's a very young bride, and I don't know anyone who would identify themselves that way if they honestly felt they were old enough to get married.  She's clearly insecure about her age, whether it means she doesn't feel ready to get married or is afraid of people judging her.

3)  She goes on to emphasize how young she is - 19, about to finish first year of college, as if trying to convince us she's "very young".  We all know from experience most brides who are 19 who really really really think they're old enough come in here going, "I'm more mature than most people my age" and "you don't know me and what I've been through."  This is the exact opposite.  Granted, in my mind it makes her more mature than those who try to defend themselves so brashly, but it also indicates she feels too young and is hesitant.

4)  She talks about how her family holds her to a 'high standard', which obviously means they expect her to wait to get married.

If she wants them all to be excited for her, and she knows this news won't be the most joyous, then I don't know why they don't do a promise ring now, tell their families that they're "engaged to be engaged" or however they want to phrase it (I really don't care or judge that - I think it's unnecessary for most people, but since they want to wait a few years anyway, it will allow them to have a 'big engagement' when they're actually ready to plan the wedding).  Chances are, if they love him as much as you say, they'll be thrilled that you guys are thinking about getting engaged and being seriously commited to each other, without the pressure of announcing a formal engagement.


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_need-some-second-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:0f0cced2-758b-4019-bcf0-e60397e11153Post:455738fe-554c-4460-9454-889521d296b6">Need some second opinions....</a>:
[QUOTE]Soo...<strong> i am a very young bride.. I am 19 and about to finish my first year of college</strong>. My FH and i have been together for over 3 years, I love him more than words and my family absolutely adore him. I am technically not engaged yet because i dont have a ring and he has not proposed yet, but before he leff to go to the Air Force we had begun the planning process. We plan on actually getting engaged this summer when he is home on leave, we also dont plan on actually getting married for a couple years. My family is the type that hold me to very high standards and <strong>i feel as if i will either disappoint them when i tell or they will be fairly happy. My mother has always told me to wait to get married but i feel she could understand our situation.</strong> I love my family very much, we are all very close and all i want is for them to be happy for me, but<strong> i feel they will secretly disapprove and judge</strong>. Can someone give me some advice on how to tell my family? I feel like i should be excited to tell but i'm absolutely terrified. Am i overthinking it??
Posted by shelbyfunseth[/QUOTE]

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_need-some-second-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:0f0cced2-758b-4019-bcf0-e60397e11153Post:ac29b717-306f-4a20-9a62-0681263cdda2">Re: Need some second opinions....</a>:
[QUOTE]If she is terrified to tell her parents, then I don't think she will be happy about the engagement. To me that speaks volumes. I wouldn't want to be engaged and be scared to tell my parents. I would want to feel comfortable that they will support me no matter what. Especially since it appears she values their opinions. My parents would flip if I got engaged at 19 and wouldn't understand why I just wouldn't wait until after college. I'm guessing her parents are the same way.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto.  </div><div>
</div><div>Especially for her mom "always telling her to wait to get married," I don't see mom jumping for joy over this.  </div><div>
</div><div>OP what I don't get is what makes your situation so difficult that you think they will suddenly understand?  Especially because being engaged isn't going to change the situation at all with the military.  </div>