Military Fiance-Date for wedding

jennarenaepeters

I recently got engaged and would like to have a November 12, 2012 wedding but my fiance will be deployed until shortly before that. I am worried that he will be extended or something will change with the deployment and our plans will be ruined. What should I do?

firsttimersluck

Welcome to the military brides board, Jenn!

I think you answered your own question.
You don't have the ability to tell his command when he should and shouldn't be back from deployment, unfortunately, so all you can do is make sure to get military clauses in your vendor contracts if you are REALLY set on that date.
Military clauses allow you to not lose your money with those vendors should something military-related cause a delay in your wedding (such as this situation).
If you have a lot of people that would be planning to come in from out of town for your wedding, I suggest you pick a date later than that to make sure that they don't all spend a ton of money that is wasted, should your wedding need to be cancelled/moved.
GL!

SamiJoeB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-fiance-date-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:319b18b2-7cd5-433f-b2af-4fb9fbc14629Post:84541171-8d38-4dc9-b44f-451a6f87834e">Re: Military Fiance-Date for wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Welcome to the military brides board, Jenn! I think you answered your own question. You don't have the ability to tell his command when he should and shouldn't be back from deployment, unfortunately, so all you can do is make sure to get military clauses in your vendor contracts if you are REALLY set on that date. Military clauses allow you to not lose your money with those vendors should something military-related cause a delay in your wedding (such as this situation). If you have a lot of people that would be planning to come in from out of town for your wedding, I suggest you pick a date later than that to make sure that they don't all spend a ton of money that is wasted, should your wedding need to be cancelled/moved. GL!
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

I couldn't have said it better myself! Welcome!!

calindi

Hi and welcome! The ladies covered military clause pretty well. Also, you may want to pick a holiday weekend as it is more likely he (and military guests) will be able to get liberty to attend. Fourth of July, day after Thanksgiving, New Years are popular choices. I have friends who have done each of those with great success. Also, you should Google and familiarize yourself with OPSEC and PERSEC. It's about not revealing too much, about military operations or personal information, on public but most especially online. Remember the old "loose lips sink ships"? That kind of thing. So you should edit your original post and remove the month he's due to get back. It's not a ton of information, but it's about avoiding putting a bunch of little things out there so someone could put it all together and have too much information. It's not just for your own safety and your FI's, but also everyone in his unit, so it isn't really optional - learn it and follow it, for everyone's sake.

jennarenaepeters

Thank you! Good advice Also, my future mother in law keeps encouraging us to get married this December before he deploys, even if it is just at the local Courthouse because of military benefits. I can't decide if I want to do that or not. I want a big wedding with the reception and everything and time to plan it, but then again if something happened to him, legally I wouldn't have a say in anything unless I was his wife and the benefits would be nice but they aren't totally necessary for me. Im stuck and can't seem to make a decision.

BinxRose

Hi jenna, and welcome! FTL gave you great advice at the beginning! Just so you know, most ladies on this board sorta frown on doing the courthouse wedding and a vow renewal (also known as a Pretty Princess Day, or PPD) later. I understand your concerns about benefits and having a say if something happens while he's deployed. But remember, the day you marry you FI, whether in a courthouse just the two of you, or with all your friends in family, is your one wedding day. My FI and I could REALLY have used the benefits and extra BAH money, but we decided to just wait until April. We agreed that the day we become husband and wife, we want all of our family and friends with us. I am the only one of the group of wives from my FI's shop that is waiting. Every other woman did the courthouse marriage first then PPD later, and most of them regret it. One specifically told me that her PPD felt silly, that she had already been married for a while, and she was just wearing a poofy white dress for no reason. So I guess, you need to decide what is most important to you. But if you do decide to get married now and have a vow renewal later with family, be sure all of your guests know you are already married. You will catch a lot of flack from the ladies here, as well as your family and friends more than likely, if they find out the "wedding" they are attending is for an already married couple. Happy planning, and good luck! edit: spelling

BinxRose

We actually had a discussion the other day about expectations of vow renewals a few days ago if you'd like to check it out: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_vow-renewal-4

SamiJoeB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-fiance-date-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:319b18b2-7cd5-433f-b2af-4fb9fbc14629Post:3894efd8-56a6-403f-bb76-448bc55f42ce">Re: Military Fiance-Date for wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you! Good advice :)<strong> Also, my future mother in law keeps encouraging us to get married this December before he deploys, even if it is just at the local Courthouse because of military benefits.</strong> I can't decide if I want to do that or not. I want a big wedding with the reception and everything and time to plan it, but then again <strong><u>if something happened to him, legally I wouldn't have a say in anything unless I was his wife</u></strong> and the benefits would be nice but they aren't totally necessary for me. Im stuck and can't seem to make a decision.
Posted by jennarenaepeters[/QUOTE]

Ugh. I hate hate hate when people use the "benefits".  This is in no way a critique of you, your FI, or your FMIL, but what benefits are you looking for?  Money? Health Insurance? are those worth your family and friends not seeing you on your wedding day?  I mean, I could maybe understand if you didn't get along with your FIL's, but it seems like you do, so who wouldn't give you a say?  Besides, your FI can put you on his page 2 (Emergency Contacts), so that you are notified.  You can be the beneficiary for his SGLI if God forbid, something happened to your FI.  I'm hoping you wouldn't have to worry about any of this, but also that have to worry about fighting your FIL's over funeral arrangements or death gratuity.  His SGLI can go to any one.  When I was AD, half went to my H, $100,000 went to my parents, and then the other $100,000 was to go to my niece and nephew for college.  With my H's SGLI, I would get $375,000 and his father would get the remaining $25,000.   Perhaps you and your FI could go on base and talk to the JAG or Legal (I'm not sure what branch your FI is in..) and they can help him draft a living will.  HTH..

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-fiance-date-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:319b18b2-7cd5-433f-b2af-4fb9fbc14629Post:3894efd8-56a6-403f-bb76-448bc55f42ce">Re: Military Fiance-Date for wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you! Good advice :) Also, my future mother in law keeps encouraging us to get married this December before he deploys, even if it is just at the local Courthouse because of military benefits. I can't decide if I want to do that or not. I want a big wedding with the reception and everything and time to plan it, but then again if <strong><u>something happened to him, legally I wouldn't have a say in anything unless I was his wife</u></strong> and the benefits would be nice but they aren't totally necessary for me. Im stuck and can't seem to make a decision.
Posted by jennarenaepeters[/QUOTE]

Hey Jenn!
This is completely not true!!
H and I weren't married when he deployed last year, but we knew we were headed that way ;) So he put me on his Page 2 (your Fi will know what that means) as well as gave me a POA (power of attorny) and full control of everything in his will.
That gave me 100% full control if something were to happen to him, even thought I was "just the girlfriend" at the time ;)
Don't let people tell you that you need to get married early for "just the benefits"! That's not why you're marrying him, it's not much monetary difference, and you can still have control over him as long as he fills out the proper paperwork!
Let me know if you have more questions on this and I can tell you exactly what my H did to make that happen for us before he deployed.

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_military-fiance-date-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:319b18b2-7cd5-433f-b2af-4fb9fbc14629Post:3894efd8-56a6-403f-bb76-448bc55f42ce">Re: Military Fiance-Date for wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you! Good advice :) Also, my future mother in law keeps encouraging us to get married this December before he deploys, even if it is just at the local Courthouse because of military benefits. I can't decide if I want to do that or not. I want a big wedding with the reception and everything and time to plan it, but then again<strong><em><u> if something happened to him, legally I wouldn't have a say in anything unless I was his wife</u></em></strong> and the benefits would be nice but they aren't totally necessary for me. Im stuck and can't seem to make a decision.
Posted by jennarenaepeters[/QUOTE]
The bolded is not true at all.  All he has to do is fill out the paperwork.  He can add you to the notification list.  He can list you as the beneficiary of any of his death payouts, he can also list you as having say in plans for his funeral.  The only thing he can not do is have you receive his remains.  I know those are tough things to talk about, but it is a discussion you have to have before every deployment. 
If he is injured, you would be on the notification list to receive a phone call that he has been injured.  If he is able to call he can choose to call you.  The only issue you would have is getting to Germany, if he were to be sent there.  When my husband was shot, they sent him to Germany.  He requested to be sent on the MD ASAP and was in MD 2 days later.  I never had to go to Germany. 
In my opinion, it's silly to marry for benefits.  I suggest you wait until he returns from his deployment.  A short time after he returns, he will be grated leave.  You can marry and have your honeymoon durring that time.  As military couples, we aren't always afforded the luxury of a year or more of actually planning.  Sometimes, we are only given a window of a few months.  The best thing you can do is plan what you can.  Pick your dress, pick your colors, research vendors.  As soon as he knows what his leave dates will be, plan the rest.  Make sure all of your vendors include a military clause in case something changes.

calindi

Everything FTL said.  The JAG office at his base will have a simple form that you both fill out - one is a standard Power of Attorney, granting you control of his assets while he's deployed.  It also is an easy solution to have a joint bank account, if he's willing, so you can help pay his bills and handle any issues that come up.  There's an additional Power of Attorney form with more clauses, including medical Power of Attorney (so you could make medical decisions on his behalf should be unable to do so himself) and real estate (buy/sell/rent property in his name).  Seriously, the PoAs give you more power than a wife would have (unless she also has a PoA).

He can put you as the beneficiary on his life insurance policy, which means if something happens to him, you'd get the money.

So really, the only thing you CAN'T get (free of charge, mind you, for all of the above) is the health insurance.  And really, getting married early to get a few extra months of health insurance seems silly.  You probably have some through your parents, school, or job - if you're under 26 years old, you can be covered by your parents' insurance still, too, even if you aren't a student anymore.

Also, please do edit that original post - you just click "Edit" underneath it and then you can change things.  It shouldn't say the month your FI is supposed to return from deployment.  You could say something like,  "shortly before the wedding" rather than a specific month, ya know?